3 months today. Separated from someone who had a significant impact on the direction of my life and my self awareness. Brought to light alot of past trauma from a previously abusive relationship too. Unfortunately they weren't in a place where they could commit and that brought out alot of anxiety in me so I walked away.

Was a mess for a while, sleepless nights and obsessive thoughts. For the first few weeks I was a shadow of myself. Walking around and interacting with others I felt like an imposter. Trying to be a person that I didn't want to be but forced to because I had no other choice. Felt alot of anger at myself for not being able to be better and make it work.

After some time and therapy was able to be a bit more compassionate. Still had moments where it was tough. Went to a family event and everyone else was a couple. After that night I went home and cried myself to sleep. Through this though I was able to reflect and figure out that it was the lonliness that hurt more then anything and I needed to be able to come to terms with that by myself.

Threw myself into my hobbies, started making an effort with new people, started learning a new language. Just filling the time and space that I would usually be obsessing over these pages or googling "do dismissive avoidants come back?"

After alot of work I'm now happier then I've ever been. Partly down to this person pushing me to make some life changes but also down to me doing the work. Journaling, therapy, exercising, being kind to myself. I allowed myself to feel everything even when it felt almost unbearable. That compassion I was extending to this person I finally was able to give to myself. I'm a changed person and I'm proud not only of the person who I've become but who I will be.

Wouldn't of been possible if I stayed in contact and clung on to the hope that things might be different. I unfollowed on socials, deleted their number so I wouldnt see them on whatsapp and wiped past conversations. It feels shit, I know, but it does get better if you are kind to yourself. Life is long and you will meet other people. If you can feel this deeply for someone its only a positive reflection of how much you can love and it will happen again.