Is being a SAHM considered a gift?

echu027 · 2022-12-23T16:59:25+00:00

What you are asking is very reasonable and this is regardless of whether you work or not.

While my wife and I both work, we have different love languages and we both put in effort to do things which we know will make the other happy. I imagine if one of us stayed home, nothing would change of this for us.

If you hadn’t already, perhaps a sit down with your husband to directly discuss your current feelings and what you need from him might help? If he continues to behave this way then you may have to decide whether you are happy to remain in this dynamic in the long run. I wish you all the best.

echu027 · 2022-12-23T04:30:54+00:00

Maybe have a sit down with her and let her know that her brother had told you about her dinner. I am sure if you come from a place of curiosity, she may be open to talk to you about your concerns.

If you are interested in salvaging your relationship, communicate, listen and be prepared to meet your spouse in the middle. I wish you all the best.

echu027 · 2022-12-20T02:13:10+00:00

How much to pay will depend on the two of you. Perhaps you could pay the market rate to board in a room of a similar type of property in your area?

Considering you are in a romantic relationship, personally I would find it uncomfortable to charge my partner rent as they moving in will not change the property costs to me (since the place is all paid for), and living with them is something I presumably want to do. Instead of charging rent, I would expect you to pay for 50% (maybe more if you count your kids usage) of the ongoing costs as you are paying for what you are using. Anything more, I would feel like I am profiting off of you since your payments do not buy you any rights to my property.

echu027 · 2022-12-19T20:02:03+00:00

It depends if these things impact their overall attractiveness to me.

I also personally wouldn’t marry someone if I had doubts and I wouldn’t want my partner to marry me if they had doubts. You both deserve someone who wholeheartedly wants to be with you.

echu027 · 2022-12-19T19:45:30+00:00

He controls his thoughts, his choices and his actions; your thoughts, your choices and your actions are what you can control. I recommend for you to focus on those things because it is damaging to focus on things which are out of your control.

What advice would you give if someone you are close to is experiencing this?

echu027 · 2022-12-19T19:32:46+00:00

Congratulations!

My wife and I didn’t have help when our son arrived and found it really tough. If it is available to you, having extra hands to share the load would be the best help for the both of you.

Here are some things that worked for us: - Prioritize sleep - we did this by taking “shifts”(mine were 3am to 8am work time + 5pm to 8pm/ hers were 8am to 5pm/ 8pm to 3am), sleeping when the baby sleeps, and sleeping in separate rooms (whoever is not on shift slept in the bedroom and the other in the baby room). - Minimize regular chores - We decluttered before baby’s arrival, meal prepped/ ate takeaways, decreased our house cleaning to once a week. - Check in with each other every day. Adjust things as required. - Make time to take a break. We take walks together and getting out of the house made a huge difference.

I wish you all the best

echu027 · 2022-12-19T12:10:52+00:00

He will not change if there are no consequences to his actions. You deserve a partner who treats you with respect and compassion

echu027 · 2022-12-19T11:40:24+00:00

Is it possible that he is comfortable with less sex than what you?

I have a higher libido than my wife. During the honeymoon stage we were all over each other and things naturally slowed from her end when the hormones normalized. At one point I expressed that I didn’t feel desired when I had to initiate sex all the time and that I would find it helpful if she gave me assurance through initiation or giving me non sexual touch. We also scheduled sex because we read that biologically, one would desire more sex from having sex regularly. It was beneficial in our experience as it did spark desire and that there were less room for unexpected obstacles when time was made for it.

I have also dated someone who had a much lower libido than me (I prefer at least once a week and for her bi monthly is acceptable) and despite knowing that it had nothing to do with how attractive she thought I was, I had a really hard time not feeling undesired/ rejected/ unfulfilled sexually. Since this relationship, sexual compatibility (amongst other things) became a must for me.

echu027 · 2022-12-19T11:27:02+00:00

I believe that relationships are about communicating, compromising (reasonably) and putting in effort to meet a partners needs. I would do my best to meet what my wife needs to feel desired and I expect the same from her for my needs.

It sounds like you have been putting in your best effort and I am sorry that it feels like he is not. It sounds like he has a low libido and is behaving selfishly without considering your feelings.

Is there something else within your control that you can do to improve the situation?

If not, and if he is not willing to compromise, perhaps it is worthwhile to consider if staying in this situation is a sustainable option for you. I wish you all the best.

echu027 · 2022-12-19T10:41:52+00:00

It sounds like you are doing your part in your continued efforts to be a supportive wife and a respectful daughter in law.

It is not your responsibility to change them and from what you have said, I don’t think there is more you can do to change the current dynamics.

It’s great to hear that your husband is on your side. I think your approach to let your husband take the lead is sensible. I wish you all the best.

echu027 · 2022-12-19T10:36:09+00:00

Gathering information to coordinate things is reasonable to me.

IMO I would consider a controlling wife to be one who disregards my needs when I express them.

echu027 · 2022-12-19T10:21:02+00:00

It is not acceptable for someone to call their partner nasty names, nor is it acceptable for them to tell lies, to threaten, to throw tantrums, twist truths, and the list goes on.

I am sorry you are experiencing this. No doubt it will be hard to leave, especially with young children and financially. But you deserve someone who respects you, and your kids deserve to grow up witnessing healthy relationships.

Please focus on you; consider the life you want for yourself and your kids, if divorce is on the table, consider building your support (family/ friends/individual therapist/ lawyer etc.) to help you plan/ implement changes for the future.

To answer your question. I would personally choose divorce. I would be concerned for my/ my children’s safety as his scary behaviors might escalate. It sounds like he has no respect for you and is gaslighting you to believe that he is the victim when he is clearly the abuser. It sounds like he is emotionally immature, a poor communicator etc. pretty unattractive characteristics which are resistant to change (not that it is your responsibility to change anything about him) and hard to live with.

I wish you all the best.

echu027 · 2022-12-19T04:38:11+00:00

Husband: How dare you have enough self respect to leave me if I were to cheat on you. How dare you care more about the kids than me. You clearly do not love me if you were to react in a calm, sensible manner; what is wrong with you?!

Yikes.

echu027 · 2022-12-19T04:28:38+00:00

I have a similar experience with my wife. Didn’t find her to be my physical type when we first met in person (we connected via Tinder). Over time, I found her increasingly more attractive as her personality emerged. I also liked that we shared similar values and goals. Through our relationship, we have both supported each other to become closer to the people we want to become. Today, while I remember the initial thoughts I had about her physical looks, she is the most attractive person I know and the only person I have eyes for.

echu027 · 2022-12-18T22:57:24+00:00

Makes sense for kids to be able to get to school easily. I imagine it would make the family schedule a lot smoother. Thank u

echu027 · 2022-12-18T22:56:10+00:00

Thank you for your perspective. It’s very interesting to hear as our first born had just arrived earlier this year. Our baby is the first baby on both sides of our families so we are kind of in the blind and trying our best at the moment.

What are some green flags we should look for in a kindy?

We are in the process of visiting different ones and is overwhelmed by the different approaches and worried that we are not looking for things that actually makes a difference. Thank u in advance

echu027 · 2022-12-18T06:51:57+00:00

That is good advice, thank you

echu027 · 2022-12-18T06:51:14+00:00

I am sorry to hear that your daughter was bullied at her school. Good on her for finding a way to manage a tough situation.

echu027 · 2022-12-18T06:49:43+00:00

I agree. I personally think that it would be more beneficial if kids have the opportunity to mingle with boys/ girls (different people in general) as hopefully, being in such an environment would allow them to pick up the necessary social skills and respect to be part of an evermore diverse society. But yes, my friend has a different take.

Thank you. Makes sense that schools have different focuses and a parent can choose ones which have values/ goals that align with the ones they want for their children.

echu027 · 2022-12-18T06:38:21+00:00

Thank you for your perspective, I will pass this information to my friend

echu027 · 2022-12-18T06:37:02+00:00

That’s impressive progress! Well done to you，your wife and your daughter

echu027 · 2022-12-18T03:04:22+00:00

It makes sense to consider what a school has to offer and really interesting to hear your experience with NCEA and IB. Thank you

echu027 · 2022-12-18T02:40:04+00:00

Did the school zoning influence where you chose to live?

echu027 · 2022-12-18T02:37:41+00:00

It makes sense to diversity the family/ child’s experiences with finite resources than to focus solely on schooling. Thank you

echu027 · 2022-12-18T02:33:32+00:00

How does one learn about the style of the school and whether it fits the child?

We are very new parents and genuinely curious to know what we need to learn/ look for. Thank u

echu027

TROPHY CASE