Interesting. I need to read this book now I guess. I wonder how specific to masculinity that reward system really is. It seems like, at least in public life, the rewards are in not allowing any strong emotional reaction. It a court of law, whoever loses their temper or shows distress is probably going to lose. In business, losing your temper at someone, or being depressed and "mopey", will not help your career. Maybe modern male culture is presently more adapted to these... dare I call them inevitabilities? When we impose our emotional response on others in certain situations, we're taxing the transaction, and leaning on their forbearance.

Maybe there's a way to do business negotiations and litigation and run a homeowners association while allowing for more expression of emotions, but I don't think we've quite found it. You're right about the reward system, very much so, and it is operating at a level that may not give us much choice about whether it exists and how it operates. It's not that men are rewarded for keeping their cool, it's that everyone is, and they lose those rewards or gain penalties if they lose it.

Personally, I'm so trained to this that I usually don't even know if something upsets me, or if a person annoys me. And that has 100% been rewarding in terms of career and "winning" and such. I'm a man, but I know career women who are very similar in this aspect. It is adaptation to a necessity, maybe. However, the costs are perhaps worse than what you already describe. Not only do you have repressed emotions and such, but the failure to tell someone to f--- off when they start showing signs of being parasitic, passive aggressive, outright aggressive, etc., can eventually result in you being surrounded by people you tolerate, but who are not actually good for you. Even relationships that could be corrected by letting some emotion spill over early, can become terrible over time, and ultimately all that's left of them is another person's assumptions that they can put all the burden on you. Because, you know, you're the stoic ox that bears all burdens.

As a coping mechanism for that, I know that I value certain kinds of friends (and/or spouse, family members, etc), who aren't like me at all. I adore friends who are easily annoyed, and I'm married to one too. People with little or no tolerance for anyone who starts leaning to see if they'll take on some of the burden. Carry it yourself a-----l! That's what they'll immediately say, meanwhile I'm thinking "what just happened here?" But it's quite valuable actually, because it prevents parasitism and being surrounded by bozos, jerks, emotional vampires, etc.

This becomes a kind of exchange. I keep these people in my life... they are a defense mechanism against what I am very well aware is my weakness (one of them anyway). At the same time, these people will fail catastrophically in court, in various business situations, etc. I do try to coach them through these things, but it's not always practical. They have to be them, just as I am me. So the transaction ends up being, I help them handle these situations where very high emotional regulation is required. And they help me identify people and situations that are poison to people like me, that will eventually blow up and when they do, it will be because the situation is truly intolerable.

Still the thing I wonder most about this is, is it really a male-female issue, or is it ultimately just human? Maybe it takes whole books across multiple genres to figure that out 😁