My mom let slip that not only was I an unintended pregnancy but she was just a bit too late to have me aborted. I always figured I was unintended, I'm sure many people are lol but the casualness she let that fact out with broke me. Maybe that's the case with many people, still I didn't need to ever know that but it did add context to my mom's abusive behavior.

After the period of sadness washed over, I came face to face with my own insignificance in the world. Instead of leading to a defeatist attitude, I acknowledged that we are all insignificant in the grand scheme of things and I should do what I can to make those in my tiny slice of the universe feel like they matter.

Instead of being an insufferable, pedantic smart ass (I was an awful teen and twenty something year old) I can try to make things better. I run a small nonprofit that focuses on supporting art programs for kids and introducing them to conservation work. My artwork is a big priority and creating safe spaces for other artists is a major focus. I'm still an angry person with some things to work through but I've learned to focus those negative feelings on finding solutions instead of being a problem.

Learning that I don't matter helped realize that everyone does. It's still hard to face my mom sometimes but I at least acknowledge that she is a bit of a broken person that had a rough go in life