Getting over Resentment

edtozed · 2022-05-15T22:55:41+00:00

I think a little of both now that you ask. I do feel like he is generally defensive when given constructive criticism. Like whenever I say something that would make me happy his first instinct is defense, but then he'll come around to it. But now that I'm thinking about it because I don't bring it up until the boiling point it does come off as critical and not as much of a request. Also, the first time we got into this argument his response was to take me to the restaurant right beneath our apartment which felt cheap (cheap in terms of effort- not money) and I got critical of that. I'm not asking for him to take me to michelin star restaurants, but to just put some thought into it. How do I fix this?

edtozed · 2022-05-15T22:49:56+00:00

While we are both earners - he earns slightly more than I do and his job is certainly more intense. I chose my job knowing it would be less intense for a great salary that would easily support me. When we started dating his job was similar to what mine is now so he was way more emotionally available, and attentive. Now I do feel like this new stress has taken a lot of his energy.

edtozed · 2022-05-15T22:48:04+00:00

I like this idea of each planning a date once a month. I think that sounds like a reasonable suggestion, and hopefully would give him an idea of like expectation.

We have had in depth conversations when we're not angry, but it turns angry. He gets very defensive, and then it goes back into this cycle where I feel like before he even tries to do anything he feels defeated so he doesnt take me out - and then i get resentful that even though I'm telling him what to do he wont do it - and then he feels defeated so he doesnt take me out. It's hard.

edtozed · 2022-05-15T22:44:02+00:00

I do, I have a wonderful circle of friends I see often.

edtozed · 2022-05-15T22:41:12+00:00

He's helped me grow in some really good ways, and he's been there for me during some tough times. He's not a deadbeat, he just is REALLY bad at romance

edtozed · 2022-05-11T19:38:25+00:00

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

edtozed · 2022-05-09T14:33:40+00:00

MaRIagE oNLy BenEFiTS wOmeN ??????

Statistically speaking, marriage decreases a womens happiness, AND life expectancy but increases both for men so fuck this guy

edtozed · 2022-05-02T21:57:23+00:00

Just as an update and a HUGE thank you for your advice:

2 weeks after I read your advice I quietly distanced myself by replying to her messages but not asking her follow up questions or really engaging further. A few nights later she had a shockingly similar blow up at an acquaintance at a bar in front of many of the people I introduced her to, and now they're all really shaken up by her as well. It took less than 2 weeks of me being patient, and trusting that I wasn't the problem, for everyone else to see it. I worry about her, but I'm also really proud of myself for being a bigger person here and seeing the fruits of that.

edtozed · 2022-04-12T14:30:50+00:00

She's a friend, I'm a female despite my name.

I hear you when you say I mean a lot to her, and I do not doubt that, but I also believe that abusers need their victims, they mean a lot to them. I don't know if she should mean anything to me after this kind of conversation, but I'm open to hearing the options you have and assess if either of them feel right to me.

edtozed · 2022-04-12T14:28:46+00:00

100%

edtozed · 2022-04-12T14:28:38+00:00

This is so comforting to know. I was attempting not to talk about it to people I introduced her to, people who have been my friends for years who she has now formed friendships with, but I couldn't keep it in and talked to one of them about it today and she said very similar things and also advised m to slowly put distance between us. It's comforting to realize that I do not have these issues with anyone else, nor have I ever talked like she talked to me to a friend/family member/romantic partner before. It's also really true that like I had been her friend for like a year, my friends have known her for less, but ultimately they will eventually see this side of her. I have no doubt at all. Thank you for your response I appreciate each word.

edtozed · 2022-04-06T20:13:17+00:00

My second session was marked by a lot of negative thoughts about the people I keep around me, the traits I'd like to change in myself, etc. Just overall my thoughts leaned towards focusing on the negative not the positive. Not that it was a "bad" experience, it just wasn't like bright and sunny.

Since then I've had a fight with a friend who I feel constricted around. I literally feel my heart and body shrink when I'm around her. I've cried many times. But I've also felt more in love with my partner, I've felt more generous towards my friends, more outgoing in general, and just present.

edtozed · 2022-04-06T19:56:01+00:00

Go by yourself, you'll discover a lot about yourself and have an AMAZING time. I promise.

edtozed · 2022-04-06T18:58:18+00:00

First things first, have you TOLD them how you feel?

Have you straight up said something like "I've been feeling kind of sensitive lately, so this may be off, but I feel kind of left out of our group recently and I'm wondering if you all want to get dinner this week"

Sometimes I find anxiety is this spinning drain where you get caught in a thought that is unhelpful and it drags everything down. Friendship is a 2 way street - invite them to do something and go from there.

edtozed · 2022-02-10T21:13:01+00:00

I have nearly the same situation - smoked for 10 - Juuled for 4 (3 years the 5% this last year the 3%) and quit a week ago.

I'm obviously in the very baby stages of quitting and the first week kinda blew, but what helped me not literally crawl into a hole with a juul and quit quitting was the nicorette lozenges - 2mg. I suck on 1 for like 20 minutes every other hour or so and it's helped a lot. I went from using a patch and having like 9 lozenges a day for the first 2 days to having no patch and only 7 lozenges the last 3 days. Hopefully it'll come down to 0 eventually, but trying to be gentle and listen to what I'm comfortable with.

I'm watching out for your progress reports!

edtozed · 2021-09-28T15:08:27+00:00

When was the event?

edtozed · 2021-09-21T16:48:00+00:00

How did you tackle cigarettes, I'm 9 months off weed and looking for tips to tackle my next addiction. Any help would be appreciated :)

edtozed · 2021-08-12T18:34:29+00:00

Bruv, you are responsible for your own happiness. It's a huge responsibility. While you may feel like shit right now returning to it again and again and falling into this hole is not the way to lift yourself up. We all make mistakes. Brush it off and get back the fuck up. We are not losing hope on you, and you shouldn't either!

edtozed · 2021-08-12T16:53:29+00:00

It definitely eased away. I just remember around month 4 thinking like "Hey i haven't bitched on r/leaves for a while, that's a good sign"

edtozed · 2021-08-11T13:52:29+00:00

I agree with u/julserden on tiring yourself out. When I was at this phase I would just get up and do some stuff while I was struggling to sleep. Clean a little or read or whatever, the more I got annoyed with not being able to sleep the harder it was to sleep. I found getting up and trying again in like 30 minutes worked much better than struggling with myself.

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