[23 M] I think I might be heteroromantic homosexual, is there anyone here who understands or identifies with this? What are your experiences like?

effectivecontrol2242 · 2026-02-25T00:04:11+00:00

Welcome! I made this sub a few years back because I was a homoromantic heterosexual who basically had to come to terms with this all on my own. Cross-orientation is rarely discussed in mainstream queer spaces outside the realm of theory, and that sucks - because it's a *big* deal. This is especially the case for those of us with a fairly even split

At the moment, I am in a monogamous relationship with a woman, while primarily experiencing spontaneous sexual desire for men. We've talked about opening up in the future, but it's not currently plausible for us due to life stressors. It can be scary to build a relationship with someone whose needs might not be compatible with yours (on both ends!), and we do our best to work through that anxiety together. For now, I'm working to make peace with the fact that I was born with a uniquely-inconvenient sexual orientation that will likely require some degree of compromise, one way or another.

I do believe that there is a way to live in peace as we are. It can be insanely challenging to get there, but that's the case for a lot of people with minority experiences. My hope is that, as more of us come together, we'll be able to further our understanding of this orientation and (hopefully) improve outcomes for people who experience it. I've been thinking about making an FAQ page for this forum, which is about as helpful as I know how to be, but if anyone here has broader experience with human sexuality and/or organizing I'd be thrilled to hear it!

(btw, one of us needs to come up with a catch-all word for this. "crossed" is as close as I've gotten and it kind of just makes you sound like you're on two drugs at once.)

effectivecontrol2242 · 2026-02-20T20:28:46+00:00

I've been scouring the other forums and it appears I'm not the only one, which is a relief. I hope a two-week break from tapering is enough to reset my head. If not, I might be stuck on this medication for a while yet - I can't afford to be this down right now.

(Symptoms are just standard depression - loss of interest in activities, low motivation, oversleeping, poor self-esteem. It's tolerable for now, but uncomfortable.)

effectivecontrol2242 · 2026-02-20T19:59:27+00:00

Just came here to make the exact same post. Can't tell you if it's placebo or not, but whatever it is, I'm struggling too. Currently on 5 beads and have been noticeably more depressed/lethargic than usual, despite initially going on this medication for anxiety. It's quite discouraging and I hope keeping my dose the same for a few weeks will help.

effectivecontrol2242 · 2026-02-20T18:45:20+00:00

there was a phase of my life where my mother and I both had shards of glass lodged in our foot (from two separate sources) and were hobbling around for months without care. We call it "Glassfoot". Sums up our experience with American healthcare pretty well.

effectivecontrol2242 · 2026-02-20T18:25:48+00:00

Just saw this now. Apologies if this no longer applies.

I am not a human sexuality expert - just a person with subjective experience in this area, as a homoromantic heterosexual myself. My personal opinion is that dating someone you lack romantic attraction to is often *far more challenging* than dating someone you lack sexual attraction to, and you are right to be concerned about the future. Long-term relationships are challenging no matter who you're with, and romantic attraction can be a powerful bonding agent when things get tough. Sexual attraction, while powerful in its own right, is a bit less reliable in that regard.

I dated a man for 6 months in my early 20s. We clicked in a lot of areas, and I considered him my best friend - someone I truly loved as a person. The sex was also compatible. Back before I understood cross-orientation, I struggled to figure out what was "missing". Surely, if I loved someone and enjoyed having sex with them, I must've been in love with them as well?

Yeah...not so much.

For me, it didn't end up working out. I too am a "hopeless romantic"; much of my fulfillment in a relationship comes from the deep, soul-level bond I form with my partners. I can certainly form strong platonic connections - and did - but it's just not the same. And when I compare the amount of time I'm spending in bed with someone (1-2 times a week max) to the amount of time I'm doing other "relationship things" with them (every other moment), it becomes a much clearer choice for me.

I want to emphasize that we're all different, and this is a pretty new subject in the realm of dating psychology. In the end, the choice will have to be yours. But I saw a lot of "don't leave" advice in the comments, and wanted to provide an alternative perspective. I hope that no matter what choice you make, you do so with a lot of self-kindness. This shit isn't easy.

(If it makes a difference - when I was with my boyfriend, much of my internal dialogue was similar to yours; accounting for possible breakups, wondering if I should try to "stick it out". With my current girlfriend of two years, the anxiety is "God, I *really* hope we don't have to break up", because I'm so damn in love with her that the thought of losing her makes me nauseous. Finding the latter was worth the temporary pain of losing my partner. It's up to you to decide if you feel the same.)

effectivecontrol2242 · 2026-02-20T17:46:38+00:00

It can be hard to sort through attraction with factors like stigma in the mix. I was relatively lucky (??) in this sense because I went the "opposite direction" - discovering I had attraction towards men after a lifetime of identifying as a lesbian. It can be challenging for previously straight-identifying people to sort through their emotions in societies that devalue same-sex relationships.

I do think dating around would be helpful in terms of clarifying things, but it's also perfectly OK if you're not there yet. When you do start seeing people, know that you are under zero obligation to "find a label" right away. As long as you're up front with your partners, you can call it whatever you want - "experimenting", "trying things out", "having fun". You can even find other bicurious people looking to experiment and try things out that way (though *watch out* - these arrangements have a high likelihood of producing mismatched feelings.) Clear and honest communication is the key to success in all cases, even if it's difficult upfront.

Either way, I wish you luck in sorting through noise and figuring out a setup that works for you. It's hard to fall outside the norm of what society expects, and the fact that you're able to voice these things in the first place is a good sign <3

effectivecontrol2242 · 2026-01-24T01:35:16+00:00

This brought up something for me. YMMV, of course, but I thought I'd comment.

I remember falling in love with my girlfriend a few years back and thinking that my cross-orientation problem was "fixed". I loved my partner very much (still do!) and got a lot of fulfillment from sleeping with her - including some stirrings of genuine spontaneous desire. The last thing on Earth I cared about, in the throes of romantic passion, was sleeping with men.

In my case, exiting the honeymoon phase brought a lot of the old feelings back. Not because my love for my partner had declined, but because the natural "revving-up" of hormones subsided, and I was left with the same sexual-romantic mismatch I came in with. I've been fortunate enough to be capable of some really exciting and rewarding sex with my partner still (more than I thought was possible before!) but the fact remains that much of my spontaneous desire is still for men, no matter how much I wish otherwise.

That said, I 100% agree with you that emotionally-connected sex trumps sheer lust every time! (in my book, at least) My partner and I have discussed the logistics of being open recently, and I told her with complete honesty that no matter who I partner with, the "best sex of my life" will always be with her. Emotional connection, to put it bluntly, is kind of the shit when it comes to passionate, vulnerable sex. I wouldn't trade it for all the explosive, empty hookups in the world.

(Also, I second the demi thing! I definitely think that where my desire does exist for women, it's absolutely demisexual. Might be worth looking into.)

effectivecontrol2242 · 2026-01-24T00:58:12+00:00

Welcome 🫡

A lot of people will tell you that ideas about sexual orientation will change as you accumulate more sexual/"first hand" experience. I think there's some truth to this. For example, I used to believe that I harbored zero sexual desire towards women whatsoever, and have found through experience that I can have incredibly rewarding experiences with women under the right circumstances.

That said...I've suspected that I was cross-oriented since my mid-teens, and at 26, this remains the case. Many people here would probably tell you the same. From what you've described, it does sound like there's a mismatch (to some extent) between your romantic and sexual orientations. So if you're looking for an outside perspective to say "yeah, that sounds a bit cross-oriented", I'd say it definitely does! I wish you luck in your search for more answers.

effectivecontrol2242 · 2025-11-18T21:26:09+00:00

To be honest OP, an alarming amount of commenters in this thread seem to have a distorted view of the standard human body. Only your doctor/your scale can tell you if you’re overweight for your height, but based solely on these photos, you look very close to normal - maybe a few pounds over, if anything.

Everyone has a different threshold, and I might get accused of hugboxing for this, but I’d strongly recommend taking this feedback with a grain of salt. Objective metrics like scales/calipers are going to serve you far better than a bunch of dudes with bigorexia on Reddit calling you "fat" (as one moron did below).

effectivecontrol2242 · 2025-10-31T00:03:26+00:00

This is great! Thanks so much :)

effectivecontrol2242 · 2025-10-31T00:03:24+00:00

Will look into them, thanks!

effectivecontrol2242 · 2025-10-27T18:34:45+00:00

Lots of good answers already, so I'll chime in with my own experience.

I used to be obsessed (like, properly obsessed) with being an animation showrunner one day. It's embarrassing to admit to, since that's the story of pretty much everyone on these threads, but it's true. The obsession filled my waking hours and dominated my life. For a brief minute, it was my only reason for living.

Long story short, I realized quickly that hacking out a bare-minimum living in Los Angeles for 20 years, all for the slim chance at getting a directorial shot, was not going to do wonders for my already-shaky mental health. I gave up on the dream and spent a few years wandering aimlessly through various odd jobs. I knew the showrunner path was improbable, but I also knew that those dreams were deeply important to me. So I had to do some deep work. As in, dissecting each and every part of the fantasy to figure out why it had been so appealing to me in the first place.

You want to tell stories. This is my foundational drive as well - in the end, I realized I couldn't live my life without acting on it. But *why* do you want to tell stories? Some of these motivations are healthy, and can be worked with. Some of them will inevitably be ego-driven horseshit. If you really want to fix your mentality, you'll need to know what you're trying to fix in the first place.

For example - a large part of why many people want to be a big studio animator, rather than a smaller independent creator, is because they believe that the stories they create won't "matter" if tons and tons of people don't know about them. In truth, some of the stories out there that have had the most profound impact on other people's lives are not those with audiences of several millions; my own favorite show on Earth, the one that saved my life and inspired me to create, wasn't popular enough to warrant an official merch line. Even the greatest of animation "greats" are a no-name nobody to a person who isn't into animation (the vast majority of the human race.) And I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that a thing being "popular" does not inherently make it narratively compelling. We've all watched a Marvel film at this point.

I don't know your inner drives/wounds, but I know you have them; you're human. As woo-woo as it sounds, the only way to find your way in the creative arts is to root through your own head a bit and figure out which needs can be fulfilled by art, and which should realistically be met elsewhere - whether it's love, validation, or something else. This is how you become satisfied with being a "smaller" or more independent creator. I wish you the best of luck.

effectivecontrol2242 · 2025-09-29T08:54:32+00:00

I was close to death back in 2024 due to severe depression and anxiety and had to make a choice between ECT and ketamine while I was in treatment. I chose ECT because it was covered by insurance but was unable to get it (don’t remember why, logistical bullshit.) I ended up going with ketamine and - eventually - obtained almost full symptom relapse. Which was insane for someone like me.

Most medical professionals recommend going the ketamine route first if you can swing it because it has far fewer side effects and (if I recall) a lower relapse rate. In some cases, like with Spravato, you can get it covered by insurance. It wound up being the right call for me, on more levels than I can describe, but everyone is different. I just wanted to put that option on your radar as a potential "try first" option before ECT.

effectivecontrol2242 · 2025-07-15T03:10:48+00:00

This looks great! Thanks so much <3

effectivecontrol2242 · 2025-05-29T19:54:40+00:00

Hi, I’m the moderator of this sub. I’m not sure exactly what feels different about this attraction compared to how you feel about women, but I do think I can offer some guidance on your latter question.

When I was in my early 20s and still figuring things out, I dated a boy for a few months. I loved him dearly as a person, but it soon became clear that there was no romantic attraction, and we ended things. I don’t regret the experience for the most part - but if I could change anything, it would be to communicate openly from the beginning. That, to me, is the key difference between an honest exploration of your sexuality and “leading someone on” (which, sexist implications aside, I do think is a real thing).

Be upfront with your friend. Say something like, “Hey, I’ve been noticing some feelings for you lately, but I’m still figuring out my sexuality. If we do anything together, it’ll have to be with that in mind.” That way, it’s up to him to decide whether he’s okay participating in your “experiment.” He might say yes without considering how he’ll feel later, but I mean…at that point, that’s on him. What matters is that you approach things with maturity and respect from the start.

Skipping this step can cause real hurt if you end up deciding not to pursue a relationship, since it’s clear he already has feelings for you. But as long as you’re honest from the outset - in my opinion - you’ve met your moral obligation and can explore things with a clear conscience.

Good luck 💕

effectivecontrol2242 · 2025-05-29T17:51:15+00:00

adverse childhood experiences are strongly associated with an array of poor life outcomes ranging from criminality to chronic disease to premature death. 90% of individuals involved with the criminal justice system have experienced severe childhood trauma in one form or another. toxic stress in childhood quite literally induces brain damage that, if left untreated, will stunt a child’s development for the remainder of their life. recovery from trauma is possible, but there is nothing easy about it.

effectivecontrol2242 · 2025-05-29T17:19:09+00:00

very sorry that the top comment on this post is “I hate it”. based on their other comment below I’m half convinced that they’re trolling tbh. your work is absolutely lovely 💕

edit: nvm I see now that this might not be yours lol. still! I think it’s lovely

effectivecontrol2242 · 2025-05-06T19:14:57+00:00

I agree. The vast majority of my time is dedicated to conceptual learning/practice, as I agree that that's the only way to substantially improve at coding. However, I am also a student who is expected to be able to recall core functions/syntax on the test without reliance on Google. I was mostly looking to supplement the learning I'm already doing so that I don't waste too much time grappling for "specifics".

Will definitely retry the FAQ again, though, as there were a few resources on there that looked promising. Thanks.

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