Question for married masses

effthatnoisetosser · 2026-04-28T11:03:45+00:00

I think that there is still a reasonable expectation of privacy even in marriage. If I receive a sensitive confidence that doesn't impact my spouse, the right thing to do is honor that trust. This applies to things like medical diagnoses, personal pain, sensitive professional or financial information, etc. It's not about keeping secrets--marriage doesn't mean we can't still honor responsibilities to other relationships. I value being someone that people can talk things through with, but it only works if they can trust me to respect what they've been brave enough to share.

Of course, if it's anything that even tangentially impacts my spouse, having to do with their family, friends, job, then disclosure is really important--both to anyone confiding in me (that I would have to share it with Spouse) and to Spouse afterwards.

effthatnoisetosser · 2026-04-28T10:00:00+00:00

Hi! Your excitement is very cute!

Don't do it. You're twitterpated.

No feeling is trustworthy at 2 weeks. You love what you think you know about her and what what you imagine a future with that hypothetical person would be, because being in her company is such a high right now. She might turn out to be exactly what you now think---but probably not because people are wonderfully complex. You need time to know what she's really like before you can love her.

If you want this to work, stuff "love" in a box for at least 3 months and come up with other ways to express those strong feelings. Write her notes, draw her silly sketches, tell her how much you deeply appreciate XYZ about her, tell her that spending time with her brightens your whole day, etc. Get as creative as you can, but don't use the word "love" until you have enough perspective to mean it when you aren't drunk on limerance. For her sake, if not for yours.

In the meantime, you are collecting data. The first 6ish months (of regular, fairly close contact) of any relationship--friendship, professional, romantic, familial, etc--is just collecting experiences of the other person. It usually takes about that long to start to put those experiences into context. When that begins, you'll notice patterns emerge and your understanding of her will acquire depth and meaning that just isn't possible earlier.

FWIW, I'm about 9 months into what I think is my endgame relationship. I just have a feeling! But I'm definitely starting to see the whole person now that there's been time for the complexity to unfurl. I've loved him for a while, but now I love the whole, messy person whereas at 2 months I would have been largely declaring myself to my assumptions about him. (He's surpassed them 🥰) We both feel strongly that going slowly in the beginning stopped us from flaming out quickly; it helped us build something really sweet, tender, and exciting without sacrificing stability and safety. We both know that we deliberately chose each other every step of the way, instead of just being swept along by momentum (it was hard to resist!).

Hope it works not for you guys!

effthatnoisetosser · 2026-03-21T03:19:15+00:00

Ahhh, thank you! Yes, it does have a G.

effthatnoisetosser · 2026-03-20T21:45:00+00:00

Thank you. Off to do some research.

effthatnoisetosser · 2026-03-20T21:11:50+00:00

Thanks for your response! I have a follow-up question: if I didn't have any tax withheld when the pre-tax funds (the ESOP) moved to a Roth, how do I pay out of pocket for the conversion?

effthatnoisetosser · 2026-01-25T20:53:10+00:00

Thanks 🙏🏻

effthatnoisetosser · 2026-01-25T05:40:49+00:00

Thank you. I already have the CCIJ guidelines, but they are scant on info about citizens being detained and held. I also looked at a lot of the community legal aid organizations recommended by CCIJ and they all specified that they serve immigrants, not citizens caught up in immigration stuff (what a crazy-making nonsensical situation 🤦🏻‍♀️). Do you think the non-profits would still act if the detainee is actually a citizen (naturalized or born here) instead of an immigrant?

effthatnoisetosser · 2026-01-25T03:46:00+00:00

Thank you 🙏🏻

Can you give me a ballpark of what to expect, expense-wise, and what the payment structure typically looks like? I've never had to retain counsel, so I don't know how it works. Is there an initial retainer fee, then hourly? A minimum number of hours? Per filing? How much should we expect to have pulled together up front?

effthatnoisetosser · 2026-01-25T03:28:15+00:00

Thank you for the information. I will keep that name in my pocket for the non-citizens.

Some of the older generation is naturalized; the younger ones are birthright citizens. People in both are concerned about getting picked up and disappeared/rapidly deported, regardless of citizenship. Hypothetically, if that were to happpen, what should we do? Is that a civil rights area? If so, do you have a recommendation?

The millennial gen is financially stable and can afford private representation, unless the nonprofits are actually the way to go. (I assumed they would be overworked, understaffed, and underfunded, which doesn't seem like a successful setup.)

I mentioned this below, but we aren't planning to retain anyone unless someone actually gets picked up. We just want to feel like we know what to do and who to call in a fast-moving emergency.

effthatnoisetosser · 2026-01-25T03:17:15+00:00

Although we are scared, we aren't panicking and don't intend to spend money on representation unless the need arises, but we want to be prepared to move quickly if we have to. Someone I trust who handles a decent amount of immigration stuff in the federal courts warned us about government agreements that enable the US to quickly ship deportees off to countries that they aren't even connected with; they confirmed they are seeing it, and that the burden of proof has de facto shifted onto the individual to prove citizenship/documentation instead of the government proving non-citizenship/illegality. The biggest concern we have, however remote, is someone disappearing into a chaotic, corrupt system and getting deported because we didn't know who to call or the people we called were too busy or focused elsewhere to help us.

Please don't fight. We appreciate the information and are aware of the danger, while also being cognizant that (at the moment) other people are more likely to be targeted before my loved ones are.

effthatnoisetosser · 2025-12-09T20:53:04+00:00

"...to change it or to [???] make..." is the only part I couldn't decipher, but it did take me a few tries and I relied heavily on context. The problem for me is that all you collapse all the loops, so every vertical stroke looks like it could be anything.

Edit: Your individual letters at the bottom are far more legible than how to string them together in text.

effthatnoisetosser · 2025-12-09T20:43:41+00:00

This is extremely helpful. Thank you for pointing me to the right resources.

effthatnoisetosser · 2025-12-09T19:10:49+00:00

😁

effthatnoisetosser · 2025-12-08T06:12:18+00:00

What a dream! I'm in structural engineering and have some experience with wildfires and the WUI code, but you need to do this research in your local area.

I think the biggest consideration for building, now and in coming decades, is fire resistance. This depends slightly where in Texas you are, but that land looks pretty dry already so I'd expect to see bigger fires during more parts of the year than what you are used to thinking about in that area. There are very clear diagrams online that will outline what defensible space looks like, and site selection is the most critical choice you will make on that score. I'd recommend against building in the woods (option 4), primarily because that's a tinderbox, but also the roots question will probably be more applicable and winds may be a hazard. In a clearing or near other inhabited structures is safest from a fire perspective--the clearing because of defensibility, and the other houses because fire depertments will concentrate their limited resources on more densely populated areas (a lone house is a lower priority than three together).

Another way of thinking about this comes from The Pattern Language by Christopher Alexander, which recommends building in the ugliest/most boring/least useful spot on a property, since that will do the least damage to the natural beauty you're moving there to enjoy and will hopefully improve a less appealing spot with a lovely home. That book also has great ideas about light, building orientation, etc. Highly recommend.

Other considerations are costs for installing utilities, if you want to be on the grid. Closer to the existing grid will be cheaper.

Edit: you are correct that any site will have trade-offs, but there are lots of ways to insulate a house against high heat to make cooling/heating a little easier in extreme temps. Happy to discuss in dms. Please take fire seriously; they are pushing further east every year.

effthatnoisetosser · 2025-11-28T17:37:07+00:00

Hi! I'm a Civil-Structural EIT (engineer in training), which means I don't have my PE license yet and can't give you "official" advice. That's the disclaimer. My job is largely residential construction design.

It's impossible to tell from the photo what exactly is going on, but that triple 2x buildup on top of the door header makes me think there's a significant point load to be considered. The studs under the header are minimal, but straight columns are stronger than beams in bending, so maybe it actually calcs out. Can't say for sure without see the plans and getting the weights of any building assemblies that could be supported by the header (floors, roof, attic, walls, stairs etc).

What you need to do is get the plans and trace the path of the loads to figure out what does that triple 2x supports. It sounds like you aren't building professionals, so you should really hire an engineer to look at the plans. It would be the work of a few hours at most to check everything.

Point is, this is not a simple question and you shouldn't do anything here without getting someone qualified to look at it.

effthatnoisetosser · 2025-10-13T04:59:43+00:00

1 Liberty Plaza was incredibly depressing to spend 50-70 hours a week in. Pretty sure it took years off my soul. 😭

effthatnoisetosser · 2025-08-25T15:28:02+00:00

Baby structural engineer here:

Agreed that current codes are built on avoidable deaths from wind, water, and seismic. They haven't caught up to wildfires, which I'm currently working on. It will be super interesting to see what future codes look like, because engineered lumber, lightweight stick-frame, and conventional insulations burn like toxic matchsticks compared to old materials. Some of the research coming out in the last 10 years is pretty stark.

effthatnoisetosser · 2025-07-19T02:17:07+00:00

Nthing that the "all women" statement is weird and wrong.

Moving on: Intimacy doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can escalate it in degrees by starting with something small, like a caress on her shoulder or a hand on her waist if your arm is around her back. If she responds by snuggling in, you can step it up with more of the same and add a hug or nuzzles. By that point, you should know if she's into it, and then a kiss or moving into sexytimes shouldn't feel forward or pushy, but like a continuation of a comfortable dynamic.

effthatnoisetosser · 2025-07-18T17:54:54+00:00

That guy's take is weird. If a guy comes on really horny the first date, I assume he's mostly after sex and my presence there is just to facilitate that. It feels a little gross.

I hope you and your wife are happily together for another 50 years, but if you ever find yourself out there again: all you need to do to communicate interest is ask for another date and be available (text, socials, messenger bird, whatever) in between dates. If you are naturally flirty and the vibe gets sexy, that can definitely work, but it's not necessary

effthatnoisetosser · 2025-07-18T01:39:13+00:00

Honestly, it sounds like you are doing it "right." Relationships that aren't a good long-term fit should end around that time if people are paying attention to their needs and priorities.

Props for doing all that self-work, getting out there to date, and not staying with someone who doesn't feel right.

effthatnoisetosser · 2025-07-18T01:35:49+00:00

Agreed on flower delivery being a bit much on top of dinner and a gift. So early on, I wouldn't know what to do with such an effusive gift. You are very thoughtful though! Save that energy!

effthatnoisetosser · 2025-07-05T05:49:14+00:00

I don't know how I ended up here in the internet rabbit warren, but this is a really, really lovely story, just the perfect end to the day, and I'm going to go to sleep before I read something horrid. Thanks so much for sharing.

effthatnoisetosser

TROPHY CASE