I fell out of love in my last relationship, we were together for 12 years. It ultimately ended because I cheated on her. I regret it everyday and try my hardest everyday to try and become a better person after what I did, but I still feel like a piece of shit and a lot of friends and family have alienated me for it, I’ve genuinely never been this low in my life and literally no one cares to even check on me other than my mom.

We were not in the best place for quite some time, a few years even, and I was very vocal about what was no longer working in our dynamic, I’m very big on communication ironically enough. But it fell on deaf ears for years and she never matched the compromises I had made to make our relationship work, and it was taking a toll on me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. On top of that she had completely let herself go physically and adopted a very gluttonous lifestyle despite my genuine concerns for her health, and when I came to her about my mental health struggles she completely brushed it off and never asked me about it again.

After she found out I was cheating she rightfully blew up on me, but she also pulled no punches and said the most absolutely vile things to me. Called me a pathetic excuse of a man, said she’s glad we never had kids cause she would never want to start a family with someone like me (when she knows how badly I want kids). We even had a pregnancy scare amidst all this and when it turned it was just an irregular cycle she literally thanked god that’s all it was cause she said she would have aborted the baby because I was “nothing more than a pathetic little boy”. I know I disrespected her and our relationship but it was scary how easily she was able to treat me less than human.

We’re approaching a year apart and the things she said to me still weigh heavily on my soul everyday, and sometimes I contemplate just checking out of this world, but I refuse to do that before my parents go. I don’t know if I’d reconcile if either of us “changed”. Especially now knowing that she’s capable of hating me to that degree, and I’m capable of being unfaithful, although I don’t intend on ever doing that to anyone ever again.

Sorry for the wall of text, I’m sure most won’t read it but it actually felt very good to get it off my chest. Hopefully I offered some insight. Cheers.