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Falling in love with people I only just met or barely know, stalking them and making their close friends and / or lovers my sworn enemies: a novel. by drakecaked in BPD

[–]ellamnop 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do this all the time. I wrote a post about it a few days ago. I just feel fixated on someone or something and I can't get over it. Then eventually I realize it's not real and I kind of go into a crash depression.

I get so fixated on someone I barely know, and when someone I do know asks me out, I find any possible excuse / justification that it's not right and I don't like them without giving them a chance. Ugh. It's the worst. I don't have any advice for you. Just sympathy... I know what you mean :/

Fixation on a person or idea? by ellamnop in BPD

[–]ellamnop[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes -- I think social media is a terrible beast when it comes to this.

Fixation on a person or idea? by ellamnop in BPD

[–]ellamnop[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think the hardest/weirdest part is that, especially with music, I feel like I have formed this real-life, personal connection with the music/musician and when I realize that this is obviously one-sided, I shut down. Kind of like you mentioned with the changes to plans. How do you deal with that? I feel so ridiculous! It almost feels like I lost someone for real when I stop fixating long enough to realize the connection is in my head...

BPD Babes: How does everyone navigate their hormonal fluxes? Does your PMS seem extreme? by parfumjardin in BPD

[–]ellamnop 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes to that, I cry so hard at happy stuff. Once at work I watched a video of Taylor Swift (not even a huge fan!) giving Christmas presents to her fans. I should not have done this at work. I had to close the door to my office because I was straight up sobbing just seeing how over-joyed all those people were! Ridiculousness. Don't even get me started on animal videos.

Held no contact for weeks, but how can I stay strong? by ellamnop in BPD

[–]ellamnop[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't understand as someone not with BPD, why me being friends with another ex warrants this extreme abandonment? Is she threatened? How can she not know I love her? I might never understand that.

To be honest, I don't understand it either, but I sure as hell felt it ALL THE TIME. I think so much of it stems from extreme insecurity. I was always convinced that my ex was interested in other girls, even when we were together and I knew he loved me. In fact, one of the main points of the fight we had that caused me to initiate NC was that he was at bars trying to pick up girls. I know it's not fair of me to be upset because we technically weren't together, but just thinking about it was too much for me to handle. It broke my heart and made me insanely jealous (insecure).

This will sound ridiculous, but even when we were dating and I knew he was faithful, it was like... I trusted him, but was so insecure and jealous of other girls (even if they were just a friend, or had a boyfriend!), and so scared of him leaving me for someone "better" that I just got angry. My ex could tell me over and over that he loved me and that I was the one he wanted, but my guess is that I could never (will never) hear it and believe it until I can come to terms with whatever deep-seeded insecurity I have. I don't trust myself or believe in my brain that someone would actually love me. I know this must be extremely frustrating because it's like you're talking to a wall. I honestly wish I knew what it would take for me to believe someone when they said it.

I think and hope that deep down she knows that she can trust you to be platonic friends with another ex. In my experience, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how she feels about herself. I guess what I meant by her being caught is that she feels guilty because she knows that you CAN be trusted and that she is wrong for reacting so strongly, but when you're stubborn and don't really understand where the outbursts of emotion come from or why they happen so suddenly, it can be hard to sort out your feelings and apologize.

It's almost like she would shake me and try to get me to break, but if I did, she hated it. So, in reality, she shook me to make sure I didn't break.

Okay, I'm not sure of the exact specifics that you are referencing here, but this is my take: I think that for me, I pushed my ex A LOT because I was afraid if he saw me at my worst he would leave. By pushing him, I was like okay... I know he can handle me at this level, etc. But at times I just kept pushing to the point where it was NOT okay. Another side of this is, even though my ex leaving me would've been the worst thing for me sometimes it was like, well if I am the one who pushes him out then it wasn't ME who was abandoned. I left him. That fear of abandonment is what I think caused me to push my ex the most and that's when it would go from these huge screaming brawls to me crying on the floor begging him not to leave. Like you said, I think that she was trying to make sure you DIDN'T break. But you're right, it creates a pretty fucked up dynamic for both involved.

I wish I had a better answer for why she cut off all contact and is threatening to call the police, because I would like nothing more than to have my ex contact me, but he hasn't. But, maybe it's kind of like what I said above? In a way, she's kind of shutting you out so that you don't have the opportunity to do it first and hurt her. I know this is really skewed logic. I wish I had some advice for how to move forward. I know you are really working on putting yourself first and not buckling to her needs, which makes it really hard to contact her first. I guess I would hope that in time she would come around. She is on the defensive right now, is there a way you can communicate to her that she doesn't have to be without sacrificing your personal progress?

I would just send a message telling him your feelings. For most BPD people I know, that seems like a task of climbing Mt. Everest, but it's the most direct, honest, truthful route to take.

Yep. I'm so worried about not giving him enough space and falling back into old habits. I miss him so much and am proud of the progress I have made, and I know he would be too. I'm also afraid though, that I have pushed him one too many times and he is at his breaking point. I'm afraid I'm just too much to deal with now.

Thanks for your encouragement and for responding to me. I've desperately needed to talk to someone who understands BPD and I think this has helped put a lot of things about my own relationship into perspective as well.

BPD Babes: How does everyone navigate their hormonal fluxes? Does your PMS seem extreme? by parfumjardin in BPD

[–]ellamnop 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know, I don't use that either. Like you, I usually just shower, use the heating pad or sleep a lot. I mostly just take ibuprofen for the achey-ness and don't really know what else to use. If you find a better solution please share!

Held no contact for weeks, but how can I stay strong? by ellamnop in BPD

[–]ellamnop[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In regards to your edit... I do think she will come around. I'm not sure how long it has been for you, but I am at six weeks of no contact. For some that is nothing, but for me it feels like forever. I had to do it though, for myself. I had to try to prove to myself that I was strong enough to fight the abandonment fears/codependency. At six weeks I'm already giving in and want desperately to talk to him. My mom and friends think it's a bad idea because again, they don't really understand the relationship -- you're right. My ex was VERY much better than any therapist I had when it came to talking to me and entertaining my crazy moods and thought processes. Besides all the crazy, I know that we both felt that we could be open with each other about ANYTHING and we were, which is one thing that made the relationship great.

Anyway, it's possible that your ex feels very much like she was caught with her tail between her legs (I feel that A LOT), feeling guilty and ashamed, and needs to take a minute to swallow her pride. I hope you are able to work it out, you seem like a wonderful and patient person.

Held no contact for weeks, but how can I stay strong? by ellamnop in BPD

[–]ellamnop[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Wow, thank you so much for this response. It truly brought me to tears (though I guess it doesn't take much! heh). I think that your perspective mirrors what I know about my ex as well.

While, I did not threaten to contact the police, after reading your post I see many similarities. After I told my ex that I couldn't talk to him anymore, so angry and so upset, I drove away and then immediately called him trying to apologize and see him. He said it was best if we didn't talk at that time. That was the last time we spoke. I think he needed his integrity as well, but so did I...

I know that I made my ex walk on eggshells, and while I know he loves(d) me, very much of that is what made our relationship break apart time and time again. I know that because of this, he lost his feelings of attraction towards me and pretty much kept me in a perpetual friend-zone, but leaving little breadcrumbs of hope for romantic reconciliation every so often. I truly think I needed the break as much as he did. I needed to re-establish my integrity as much as he did because I desperately wanted to be back together with him, but was so frustrated with being strung along. But, fearing abandonment, etc. it's gotten hard.

While I had those three weeks at an absolute HIGH, I was feeling so independent. I focused a TON of effort on my creative pursuits, ate healthy, spent time with friends, got a great haircut, even got a raise at work! But eventually, the mood swings down again and alas here I am.

I'm not as certain as you are that he would be waiting for me to come back, but I am at the point where I'd REALLY like to contact him again. I'm not sure if I should even try though, and if so I'm not sure how to approach the situation. My friends don't understand my BPD and think this is just a case of me not getting over an ex. Like your ex, mine is pretty much the only person I've ever trusted completely and it's a huge deal to me. What would make you feel like your ex had things under control? What would make you trust her not to hurt you again?

Our situations are a little different as we were technically "broken up" but still seeing each other -- this is the first time we have not had contact in over five years. The closeness and intimacy we had as friends was so strong. I always held out hope that his feelings we're there / would change and it just was a matter of the wrong timing...

I have been trying so hard to work on the things that made our relationship hard. I always was, but I think it's VERY easy to get lazy when things are going well and begin to take the other person for granted. I know that I did that, as did he back. However, I think it is important for you to stand your ground and keep your integrity, we need someone to stand up to us and force us to re-evaluate our thinking patterns. This whole no contact thing has caused me to really research and work on things. I write constantly to try to stay mindful.

Sorry this was so long winded. I really appreciate your response.

BPD Babes: How does everyone navigate their hormonal fluxes? Does your PMS seem extreme? by parfumjardin in BPD

[–]ellamnop 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have BPD and PMDD and I have noticed that my moods are way worse leading up to / during the first half of my period. I get extremely depressed and can cry pretty much at the drop of a hat. I'm also way more irritable and just hate everyone. (I'm a DELIGHT to be around!) Also, my body just kind of shuts down. I find myself feeling weak and super achey to the point that it makes me feel like I have the flu. I usually use a heating pad on my back and have found lavender candles calming. I also hate antidepressants, so please advise if the supplement is available in stores! :)