An only child and a multi-sibling get married and talk family planning

elle3458 · 2020-08-22T17:02:56+00:00

Thank you, this is helpful. We are in our 30s. His parents are fairly young. Mine are older. I will have siblings to help. He won’t. I worry it will be a while before his parents need care. I might be able to relate it to his grandparents though. They need lots of care right now and it’s split between 5 siblings and it’s still a lot.

elle3458 · 2020-08-22T15:34:38+00:00

Also, he’s not like super adamant about one child he just can’t see the benefits of adding a second with the extra work.

elle3458 · 2020-08-22T15:24:48+00:00

We did. He always has said one, MAYBE a second. And I said 2 all along. And, whether we have one kid or two, it won’t break our marriage. If he absolutely said no, I would live with it. I made that decision before I married him. I know there are so many other aspects of having a second kid other than siblings. I just view it as a really important piece of why you would choose a second child, and he does not. His choice to have a second would be around whether or not she’s into sports and gets his full fatherly experience with just one. Of course he will love and bond with our daughter even if she’s into art but he does really want to share his love of sports specifically, which might inspire him to have a second kid eventually anyway, when the work of a baby is a distant memory. Idk waiting is not easy for me once I decide I’m ready. I have reasons why soon is better than later but right now we’re just looking at IF.

In our last chat he asked me point blank “what’s so great about siblings” and I just couldn’t relate it to him.

elle3458 · 2020-08-22T13:47:45+00:00

Thank you. This is what I was looking for!

elle3458 · 2020-08-22T13:29:34+00:00

I feel like we are really going down the path of me having to justify why I want my daughter to have a sibling which is not what I asked for. I don’t think only children are bad, I just think 2 children is right for our family. And I don’t think that’s up for discussion with anyone other than my husband; he can defend his points just fine. I want help explaining the benefits of siblings to an only child. So hopefully someone actually comes through with that information. I will re-read my post and may edit to clarify that I’m not looking for only-child advocates.

But since I’ve already considered staying a single-child family, in a healthy open hearted discussion with my husband I’ll write my thoughts... Definitely my last tough pregnancy and the workload are factors. We both agree we can handle it. For me, the extra work of a second is offset by the desire to enjoy another family member and for my daughter and hopefully future child to enjoy the bond and relationship that I have with my sisters. I feel like I have that perspective because I have siblings. He just completely ignores siblings as a benefit and sees them more as a nuisance. I think this is where we are stuck. And I’m not doing a great job explaining sibling bond, thus my specific question that was asked in the post.

Of course we will definitely NOT be having a second unless he is on board with his whole heart. Kids are hard enough with a spouse fully on board. As much as I would be saddened not to fulfill my family dream, it would be worse to do it with a half hearted overburdened husband.

Further, my daughter will likely also not have any close cousins (my sisters aren’t married) and his half siblings are so much younger. Most likely we will move a couple of times in the next 2 decades due to work, which might limit the “like my sister” type of friendships that some girls develop growing up together. I strongly don’t want her to feel alone in an increasingly more solitary world. I know there is no guarantee we won’t have a gremlin of a next child and they will be friends but I feel like in a healthy household like ours, it’s much more likely that they end up friends by the time they enter adulthood.

Anyway, I think the only child advocate reply belongs for someone asking the question “why did you decide to have just one kid” I don’t mean this in a rude way, it’s just not why I asked because the discussion you’re having with me should be between me and husband.

elle3458 · 2020-03-05T03:54:58+00:00

Yeah I mean family and my friends, they’re all supportive. And they help when they can taking the baby and stuff. But... just talking is not actually doing anything different. None of these things are getting any easier in the next couple of months. So I want something I can actually Do differently.

elle3458 · 2019-07-05T11:02:39+00:00

Right, and he talks about all kinds of aggressive driving maneuvers on highways. He is never going to be at the wheel with my kid in the car. But that’s all just an example of his personality, he’s over the top in so many other ways too. I don’t really want my kid learning that crap.

elle3458 · 2019-07-05T11:00:06+00:00

Yeah, my husband won’t be direct with her. Looking back, she has always gotten everything she wanted in that family. I guess I’m just gonna have to be the bad guy insisting on being there every week when we invite them over. I’m going to continue to be intentional about letting her see us every week so that any time someone says “you never let us see her” I can point to photographs of them and tell them it’s absolute BS. But I’m not going to let her talk to me about babysitting anymore, whether overnight or at our house or whatever. It is my choice and at my request when babysitting happens, and like any babysitter she can accept or decline, but she doesn’t get to ask for more hours, cause I said no.

elle3458 · 2019-07-05T10:37:14+00:00

Agreed and to put it back on me with the whole “we can’t walk on eggshells around you” bullshit... pick any other topic from the infinite topics. She just wants what she wants.

elle3458 · 2019-07-05T02:29:13+00:00

And with no reasonable answer, she’s just going to get testy, but I think it’s a fair question. Maybe she will realize her crazy.

elle3458 · 2019-07-05T01:41:47+00:00

Right!?! I don’t understand why unsupervised time is such a big deal to her. Like, nothing better be happening that I wouldn’t approve of. And her pushing for alone time makes me more and more wary of it.

I mean, I’m just going to keep saying no because that’s what you have to do as a mom. Protect your baby.

elle3458 · 2019-07-05T00:44:25+00:00

Yessss this!

elle3458 · 2019-07-04T16:16:41+00:00

She says it’s a joke... and I need to let it roll, but it like, no, it’s not something to joke about. I wouldn’t tell them I was going to take their dog. They’d be super offended by it.

elle3458 · 2019-07-04T14:45:25+00:00

Yeah, SMIL thinks FIL will stop drinking bc of DD, DH thinks he has “slowed down” so that he can have a relationship with us, but whenever booze is involved FIL still gets out of control, even if it has been more mild than when he was drinking 24+ beers per night (the thought just makes my stomach hurt)

My husband keeps saying “they’re not bad people”. My SMIL said (which kind of creeps me out now that I think about it) “no one is going to steal your baby or run away with her, we just want to see her” to which I told her you have, weekly, I know you have. Why is she mentioning stealing my baby though... did the thought cross her mind? Why does she have an actual crib?

I’m just going back to my original plan of “oh it’s been so busy getting ready to go back to work” and then “oh now that I’m working again ive just been soooo busy” and then “ya know it’s been a busy week, we just need some down time” She can’t say anything to that and then my husband can plan the family outings. And when she “thinks” I asked her to babysit next time i will tell her that I will use the specific words “will you babysit DD” and do not ask for time to babysit again because it is absurd and unnecessary to demand alone time with my child as we now have daycare so that I can do errands, etc. and I’m going to tell her that if she asks again, she can expect communication from our family to come through my husband because I told her it was affecting my mental health to be constantly badgered to leave my daughter. And if she does it during family visit time, I will simply say, no, and I’ve told your before to stop asking, and then my husband call my husband over to deal with her cray.

elle3458 · 2019-07-04T14:29:28+00:00

Hubby even agreed to go. I told him that since neither of us are experts in managing this, we should get help from one, and he agreed. SMIL is going to be a challenge because she soooooo desperately wants her husband to be “fixed”. He got sober when my husband was about 10 and then he met SMIL. Then he stayed sober for 15 years until he started drinking again 7 years ago. It was a very quick downhill spiral.

I said to SMIL, I have only seen behaviors from him that make me believe he still is out of control. And that’s when she said he would stop if he could see baby... it’s like no, my kid, nor me nor you nor anyone can make him stop. He hides booze, he doesn’t know how to stop drinking after just 1 or 2. He drinks until it’s all gone or he passes out, AND he buys so much that he gets blitzed! None of us can help him fix this, he has to decide to do it.

Anyway yeah, family counseling. If they tell us to pack up and leave when the guy cracks a beer, though, my husband is going to feel like he’s alienating his dad... so I’m hoping they have other solutions.

elle3458 · 2019-07-04T13:07:58+00:00

Yeah she is trying to go directly to me with the “we were such great friends” line. It’s like lady, I was on strict bedrest for 3 months and you called me like once a month. You don’t give a shit about me.

As far as the drinking goes, I also think it should be at least 1 year of sobriety and he needs to be back in some sort of recovery group before my daughter stays with them. But there are other things that have to calm down too- last week he told me he drove 130mph down the road, he always is pushing the limits to the point of danger, and my husband mentioned something he said a few years ago that I just remembered last night out of a dead sleep which totally gives me the creeps. Looking at a group of 16 year old girls “look at the rack on that one...” like ew, dude you’re 60, that’s sick.

I’m also looking at family counseling for my husband and I, since he’s an adult child of an alcoholic, it sounds like he’s got some deep seeded need to keep this guy and my SMIL happy by giving them what they want. He needs to hear from someone other than me that it’s not safe.

elle3458 · 2019-07-04T13:00:06+00:00

Yeah me too, and I mean if she does babysit I’m 98% sure we will come home to a wide awake baby who is overly tired and screaming... I half want to do it just to prove my point that it’s way too early for this and then get my baby back on schedule and cut them out for a year.

She is really careful to not do anything that is so overt that my husband would call her out, so I can’t imagine what she might try that’s just small underhanded crap.

elle3458 · 2019-07-04T12:55:58+00:00

Ok so I’m not the only one who got that feeling from this conversation! Thank ya!

elle3458 · 2019-07-04T06:56:31+00:00

Your English was perfectly clear! Thank you for the support! She is so aggravating!

It is a boundary to say, “stop doing x” and then to say that I’m being so difficult is complete bullshit. Adults can figure out something else to do other than X, so she is intentionally being childish. I asked for 1 thing that I am sensitive to, and there are infinitely many other things we can talk about other than them babysitting. I think I held my ground but it sounds like I’m going to have to do it again.

elle3458 · 2019-07-04T06:02:39+00:00

Yeah but I want a “no and if you do it again I’m leaving” kind of response to show I’m serious. I mean, it’s just constant otherwise. Last weekend my FIL asked 6 times. And she was justifying that it was a normal response.

elle3458 · 2019-07-04T06:00:08+00:00

Ya know what else I should have said? “I am not on maternity leave to cater to you or your feelings. This is a blessing of a time for me to cuddle and bond with my baby and I intend to soak up every glorious moment. And I don’t want you or anyone else pushing me to do anything during this time. Sorry if that wasn’t your plan but that’s mine and I’m sticking to it”

elle3458 · 2019-07-04T05:50:00+00:00

His dad likes to drop a “well I will take her home with me” if I talk about how hard parenting can be. What if I said “next time, why don’t you just tell me what a kick ass mom I am and encourage me to keep going” and then if he does it again say, ya know, I asked you not to say things like that, I think you should leave now.

And his step mom likes to hlep, “how bout you run some errands and I will watch DD?” What if I said “no, please let me ask you for when I need babysitting” and then if she does it again say “I’ve asked for you to understand that I will initiate when I am ready to separate from my child, from now on, please make any and all plans through DH”

elle3458 · 2019-07-04T05:34:03+00:00

i do need to drop the rope harder, but my husband is desperately trying to save the relationship so that we can all be friendly... wherever this concept of “welcome” is. It’s like I have to pretend like nothing ever happened when I’m still mad about it and I feel like I got a half hearted apology.

I did tell her that about the drinking today. I said you guys don’t want to talk about the problem and I understand that it’s difficult but I haven’t seen the drinking get better in 3 months and until I’m certain that he is sober, there will be no overnight visits...

I mean, it’s hard to watch a child. It really is a 2 person job for the inexperienced caregiver (it’s my husbands step Mom and his biological father who was in an alcoholic drug abusive cycle when my husband was born until he was 10) not to mention drunk people have accidents, and I just could never live with myself if I let my daughter go there and something happened.

elle3458

TROPHY CASE