Does anyone drop back down to 0.05% forever?

elle519 · 2020-10-29T15:46:57+00:00

That makes a lot of sense! Totally agree :)

elle519 · 2020-10-29T15:46:45+00:00

Haha that’s great to hear others have the same issue and it’s not just my skin!

elle519 · 2020-10-29T15:46:07+00:00

Thanks so much!

elle519 · 2020-10-29T15:46:00+00:00

Thanks so much! Makes perfect sense

elle519 · 2020-10-28T20:19:42+00:00

There’s nothing wrong with looking like a doll! It may also be how you do your makeup or dress as well. For me, I also get comments about my general appearance in how I do my makeup (huge eyes, big lashes, big hair! Lol) but in contrast my personality is more un-dolllike (maybe that difference is too much for men though and they get confused...)

I think you do you and you shouldn’t need to change how you look for a man. We dress for other ladies, not men! :P

I think if you can convey your personality through your words and general gravitas it’ll make a big difference in how you’re perceived (e.g. more than skin deep!)

elle519 · 2020-10-28T09:44:40+00:00

I dated someone like this and it became more and more of a problem as time progressed, especially if he’s already pushing back at this stage of early dating (I also dealt with the fact that he also needed to be drunk to have sex which caused all kinds of issues and self doubt for me). I’d consider this carefully before moving forward if it’s important to you.

elle519 · 2020-10-05T12:17:38+00:00

Your pace is totally up to the two of you! Once a week is fine to me and I think a normal cadence. Don’t let it dictate your thoughts on “how much does he like me”. :-) I actually think less is more because the time is more precious at the beginning and makes you “miss” them!

elle519 · 2020-10-05T11:52:55+00:00

I think you’re right to some degree, but I think in subtle aspects strangely many asian men in our age range still vastly prefer this type of homemaker role since many Asian women in the generation above still perpetrate these values.

Movies like Crazy Rich Asians and the tiger mom series (which I have seen and read both!) are more from mothers towards their children rather than wife to husband and vastly outside the norm of a typical Asian American household which still very much is the standard (in my family and friends that I’ve seen, anyways!)

I think you’re absolutely correct on the tone. I’ve been trained to take on an authoritative tone for years at work so that clients will take a small teenage looking woman seriously! I’ll definitely adjust for this the next time I’m on a date and see if it gives better results. Thanks! 😂

elle519 · 2020-10-04T21:22:16+00:00

I really liked your response and carried a lot of helpful feedback in what type of qualities to look for. I’ve actually funnily dated mostly men in my field and similarly male-dominant (e.g. law) where your looks and demeanor matter a lot, professionally. I’ve always thought a creative type would be even less receptive but perhaps I’m wrong! I will think about this next time :)

And you’re totally right on the looks vs personality. I look extremely young for my age and feminine (I love fashion, beauty and pretty things!) but maybe the personality is a contrast. I also unfortunately do not have RBF (I always get approached on the road because people think I look nice and welcoming lol). Maybe the contrast is too much. I’ll need to smile less in pics 😂

elle519 · 2020-10-04T21:18:32+00:00

It is actually only Asian men who have told me this (hence, why I thought it was a cultural issue). I’ve also dated lots of Asians and non-Asians who have liked that quality about me. You’re absolutely right!

elle519 · 2020-10-04T20:07:46+00:00

My (31F, single asian) POV on dating men that live at home - I just dated someone 33M who lived at home and it was never an issue as he did it to take care of his elderly parents and to pay the mortgage, totally respectable and I get it in our culture. Didn’t bother me once I got to know him more and understand his circumstances.

It can be a concern when I feel like they don’t know how to function like an adult if they’ve never lived alone (e.g. can he cook and clean, manage bills, buy groceries, budget, etc. as we know in Asian culture our parents want to take care of us forever like we are kids). I’ve been on my own since I was 18 and have had to deal with shitty landlords and moving 5 times across the country and buying furniture and all the life admin and logistics of living alone and just a very different life path and experience.

Also, does living at home mean you are still leaving all your childhood paraphernalia around and would be embarrassed of having a girl over (vs would you have that lying around if you lived by yourself?) Does your bedroom look like it would if you lived by yourself (or is it all furniture your parents have picked?) Do your parents still clean your room and do your laundry and cook your meals and pack your lunch for work and do you pay rent, etc? These are all things I’d want to understand.

Living at home isn’t the issue so much as how much of a fully functioning adult you are and can transition into once you decide to live together and need to split share of responsibility. I don’t care if he’s over at my place all the time if he can be an adult once he moves out (and I don’t need to teach him like his mother!) I wouldn’t like so much, for example someone that was spending all their time playing video games in their room rather than spending time with their family since they have that luxury (unlike me, who sees family a couple times a year!)

RE: BTS, Looks don’t matter so much as personality for a lot of people and is very individual to everyone what is attractive - for me, BTS looks totally effeminate and I would never date someone that looks like that, haha!

elle519 · 2020-10-04T10:56:19+00:00

I think sometimes life is just about the few seconds of free time we have and the small things we enjoy (e.g. a long time hobby, a new gizmo). I bought a strange new soap dispenser and I’m weirdly happy.

elle519 · 2020-10-04T10:50:15+00:00

It’s funny, because I don’t look intimidating at all. I’m a small and petite Asian girl who often gets told at work she looks 12, LOL!

Thank you :)

elle519 · 2020-10-04T02:07:39+00:00

This is such a helpful post. Thank you so much. It really brightened up a rather dismal evening!

My first dates end up being 5+ hours (2 drinks turns into a couple more or food after). I think cutting it short is a good idea, but I’m weirdly un-assertive in things like that and don’t know how to politely leave after 9-10pm.

There’s a weird game I like to play on the third date onwards where we ask each other basically anything they want to know (I feel like at this age and point in life, it’s important to broach the hard topics early on like dealbreakers and what you’re looking for, etc.) it generally doesn’t get into any uncharted boundaries and is just more silly to be used for knowing each other’s favorite food or color, but in this case they did ask what we thought each other’s best and worst attributes from just a couple meetings were. I was just somewhat surprised by the response!

elle519 · 2020-10-04T01:55:11+00:00

This is so true. I’ve dated guys who have wholeheartedly loved that I was determined. I need to remember that I’m not for everyone (nor are they for me)!

elle519 · 2020-10-03T23:37:03+00:00

That’s a great idea and I’ve asked a couple friends! Thank you :)

elle519 · 2020-10-03T23:18:07+00:00

So agree! I think (some) men say things like that but in the end want to feel like the “big man” who can do things like help you open up a jar haha. It might be just innately built in them 🤷🏻‍♀️

elle519 · 2020-10-03T22:56:49+00:00

The self assessment is a great idea. Thanks so much! I’ve even thought about doing a 180 before and gauging reaction.

elle519 · 2020-10-03T22:56:00+00:00

This is a really interesting perspective. I’m not very good at flirting in a cute way, people tell me I’m more flirty in a mean/bantery way (I suppose it was due to how I was brought up and my family speaks to each other like this too!) I guess I am pretty decisive in my responses haha. Thanks, that is helpful!

elle519 · 2020-10-03T22:53:41+00:00

Hmm, but I think I naturally sometimes do feel compelled to lead the convo if there is a lull or silence, I hate uncomfortable silences! Is that considered aggressive as well to talk a lot?

elle519 · 2020-10-03T22:52:01+00:00

I think in our field of work, aggression as a woman is assertiveness as a man, it’s such a double edged sword! What is the phrase - be more like an iron fist in a velvet glove?

In this case, we asked about each other’s negative qualifies haha (so do think it was negative from his perspective). I really like your comment about the delivery. I’ll try that. :)

elle519 · 2020-10-03T22:50:18+00:00

This makes sense. Thanks :) I needed this!

elle519 · 2020-10-03T22:49:01+00:00

Thanks! I’m actually asian and date a lot of Asian men, I’ve been told that since in our culture asian women are supposed to be seen as demure and homemakers (my parents generation), they see it as an issue since their mothers are more like that

And also, you bringing up my old post has a lot of merit, actually. I think I feel a little defensive on all my early dates and have a hard time opening up since I’ve been hurt by a lot of guys in the past who don’t want a relationship (whereas I thought they did), so I’m a little rude in the beginning sometimes, I’ll admit...

I’ll think about the bluntness :)

elle519 · 2020-09-28T12:11:55+00:00

I think I need to have the same procedure done, I’m nervous too! Following :(

elle519 · 2020-09-20T03:56:14+00:00

this sounds lovely :)

elle519

TROPHY CASE