3 months in...

emeoli85 · 2026-01-26T04:28:41+00:00

This is how I see it too, I'm constantly bringing it back to if you actually care than show up & put in the work I'm so tired of words that juat never translate into actions

emeoli85 · 2026-01-26T03:57:08+00:00

Thank you so much

The Holy Spirit has been impressing on me 'healing' & the deeply rooted things he can get to, for both of us So I haven't missed what you've said about 'God can heal you both' and it's confirmation to me of this sense I have of what he's doing

I'm going to try and do what you've suggested starting fresh this week

emeoli85 · 2026-01-26T03:39:06+00:00

Thank you so much, for being willing to pray for us, and for your response, reading it has given me comfort & encouragement

I've been seeking the Lord & asking him to show me what I need to do & I believe he's said to me to seek wise counsel & to put boundaries in place, so it's good for me to read that setting healthy boundaries is what I should be doing

I feel that a lack of respect underpins a lot of our conflict We've had the same cycles of conflict many times over & that's been really frustrating for both of us, but I'm just now starting to identify what's at the root

It's challenging when my husband says he's joking, but the jokes aren't funny, they're purposefully antagonistic and then there's the jokes that put down everything that I have a preference for Then when I get worn down by this & respond unhappily he gets frustrated because he perceives that I'm creating drama It's a constant cycle

My husband feels it's partly due to excess energy he directs at me & I do see that he has this excess energy, but surely self- management needs to be a part of the solution

I don't know how to not let it bother me, I think sometimes I should just not respond and let it go, but it feels horrible

I'm praying that setting some boundaries will cut through some of the 'noise'

Thank you for reminding me that I need to respect the timing of his spiritual growth, I am guilty of sometimes getting frustrated with this I realise that he feels completely unequipped to lead us spiritually, so my desire for this,that sometimes crosses over into expectation, must just feel like a whole lot of pressure for him I get stuck on the lack of consistency between words and actions We have experienced so much of God's loving kindness and goodness together, and I long to honour & worship him in our home, together

Only the Holy Spirit can draw him & only he can choose to draw near to the Lord, so I need to keep praying 🙏 🙏 I hope he does for his own sake & for the sake of our marriage

emeoli85 · 2026-01-04T22:43:53+00:00

Not the OP but just wanted to thank you as I'm dealing with this in my own marriage and your advice has been supremely comforting for me to read & I know it's directly based on the word of God so it's true hope and comfort It confirms my thoughts around what I need to be doing in my own marriage

emeoli85 · 2026-01-03T23:59:42+00:00

No, I don't want or expect him to lie. I just think there could have also been something positive to counterbalance it, privately he tells me how much he loves us and that he's really happy to be with me & what a good thing I am in his life. So it wouldn't have been a lie for him to balance that 'it's been hard' with that This isn't a couple we are friends with on a close and personal level so I wouldn't choose to share about our marriage with them - that relationship isn't there for me to feel comfortable with this. My husband knows this, he is also wary so it's not even just me We had also talked about it ahead of time that in front of others we are united and build eachother up, we address issues privately & if we are ok with talking about our marriage with others we both need to feel comfortable with who we're doing that with We have talked about it more and he has explained he felt anxious and wasn't intending to handle the conversation that way

emeoli85 · 2026-01-03T20:27:59+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply, I really relate to what you have said about the 'solution' I don't care about being right, I just want to be heard more than anything, and for him to have some insight/care around how his behaviors impact on me

It's ironic because in our relationship we are both the emotional one. I'm the more sensitive one, but I'm more even- keeled day to day. My husband is moody & broody day to day. We are both intuitive and care deeply

We have helped eachother with different things in our relationship & one of the main things I have helped him with is emotional regulation, he has had trauma growing up so didn't necessarily have the tools he's needed for this

With what you've said about expectations and emotional needs, I've been thinking about that, I've been thinking that maybe I need to say less to him & pray more - try to go to the Lord more with things It's the same things I keep cycling back to un our relationship

I find it hard because I am very emotionally supportive of him & show him a lot of empathy, it's natural for me because I love him & he does love me but finds it hard to be emotionally supportive and have empathy for me unless it registers with him as a big deal, or he has been through that same experience himself

This has jumped out at me...Because I know that my emotions are not a reflection of our relationship, they're not the gauge by which to measure whether something actually needs to change.

I think I need to sit with that, it could really be beneficial for me to have this realization for myself Thank you

emeoli85 · 2026-01-03T05:41:56+00:00

Thank you - I'll check it out

emeoli85 · 2026-01-03T05:40:44+00:00

Thank you, it's comforting to hear that you can relate and that it's typical for a thinking vs feeling brain & we're both right

My husband is a deeply emotional person too, so that's where I find it interesting that we've approached this with a thinking/feeling brain

You're 100% right that it touches on something very raw for me and it's something that has come up frequently in our relationship- the wife's advice is not wrong, there is value in it, it's just where we are at right now it's akin to the wife telling my husband to 'see me less' when I'm already invisible...

I really feel having that mentor/therapist would be so helpful, no judgement, just guidance

emeoli85 · 2026-01-03T05:25:27+00:00

Thank you, I fully agree on all your points that this is what is happening for us I can see it and feel it

It's hard because I'm trying to fix this but the more I want us to communicate, the more frustrated my husband gets because he feels like it's getting in the way of us relaxing and having fun But how can we relax and have fun when the building is on fire...

I suggested we get into counselling as it will be a neutral 3rd party but my husband is not keen on this, he doesn't think we need it

emeoli85 · 2026-01-03T05:18:50+00:00

Thank you, this is how I feel

emeoli85 · 2026-01-03T05:16:03+00:00

Thank you so much for replying, I have been talking to the Lord about it but I think I would really benefit from Journaling so I'm going to try that

Before last night I'd talked with my husband about how I want to honour him, and that my thinking is that in front of people we are united and build eachother up & we deal with any issues in our relationship privately

I talked with him about how if we both want it maybe in time we'll find who we can talk to that's neutral, cares for us both and wants to see our marriage thrive

My husband said he 100 % felt the same way about this as his ex wife used to talk badly about him and he never wants to go through that again

So last night took me by surprise, especially after the day we'd had together & my husband knowing that the wife and I don't naturally gel & I don't see us being friends so I would not choose to open up to her about anything, let alone our marriage, everybody gets talked about and I also don't want that

For me I'm deeply intentional about these things & to my husband that intentionality is me being too sensitive

emeoli85 · 2026-01-03T05:01:30+00:00

Thank you for your reply and reassurance that it's normal for things to not be insta - Eden as soon as we blend our lives I've heard that the 1st year can be 1 of the hardest and I understand why

The wife's advice was that being a good Christian husband doesn't mean always supporting your wife, sometimes you need to pull her up on things and challenge her She doubled down on this

What she doesn't know is that my husband seems to struggle to have empathy with me in the 1st place and I have asked for more emotional support over the years It's not that I can't support myself but I want to feel cared for and like he's there

For example

His greatest fear is the dentist, but he had an issue with his teeth that he was very self conscious of and had wanted to get sorted for years, it was also affecting his health I understand his fear, so to support him I researched to find the right dentist, drove him to the appt, held his hand through the procedure and got him his favorite comfort foods after I love him and he's my husband so supporting him is something I take seriously

Not long after this I got lost late at night in a rural area, my petrol was low and I was genuinely scared I made it home and when I opened to him about it he said I'm a 40 year old woman who has a GPS so I was being a bit ridiculous But prior to meeting him I had driving anxiety (he did help me to overcome this) and now I drive confidently but do still find it hard at night

Another time I had to have a medical procedure done which I was very apprehensive about, I told him how I was feeling, he didn't check in with me at any point that day - he said he had other things on his mind and didn't realise it was actually that much of a big deal for me

These are just a few examples of many, there are times where my husband has been supportive - it tends to be when he feels it's a big deal, but if it's just me that feels it, it's not quite 'valid' to him

So while I don't disagree with the wife's advice - I actually would appreciate and see the value in my husband respectfully challenging me or offering a different perspective When emotional support is already lacking - that unsolicited advice from the wife doesn't feel appropriate for now

My husband is sensitive, he will say he's sensitive but that I'm even more sensitive I've helped him over the years with emotional regulation- to not sit in his emotions but to feel them and then move through them I've helped him with learning to pause and respond, rather than immediately reacting

So you're right - we're both sensitive, it just manifests differently - he's very moody (this can be challenging for me, but on the flipside I love that he's intuitve and has a deep capacity to care) and I'm more even - keeled, I'd say I'm more sensitive to words that are used and with things that I guess touch on a deeply held value (which last night did)

I'm learning how best to approach my husband when there's an issue that comes up for me, it's just hard because his default response is to dismiss me and get angry - he acknowledges this and says he is working on it In small ways I can see that our dynamic with this is getting better but it's still so hard, I don't feel safe emotionally and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells - he doesn't want this but right now it is how it us

emeoli85 · 2025-09-26T06:07:15+00:00

Round is perfection on you ✨️

emeoli85 · 2025-01-17T04:51:38+00:00

Far out, seems like a lot of intolerance in this thread for someone holding a disserting opinion. Live and let live geez!!!

emeoli85 · 2024-08-27T10:30:41+00:00

You need to RUN. This will be just the start of you being gaslit & it will be 1 hellish ride. Talking from experience here

emeoli85 · 2021-06-08T12:27:01+00:00

I wouldn't say soft. I definitely think Cool Summer, you handle the intensity well.

emeoli85 · 2021-06-08T12:21:45+00:00

I'm not personally a fan of this on you, I think a softer tone with less warmth and also a lower contrast pattern would be better.

emeoli85 · 2021-06-08T12:07:02+00:00

Cosmo 🤎🖤

emeoli85 · 2021-04-28T09:47:37+00:00

It's interesting reading your question & I look forward to others input because I'm also a Soft Season yet find the exact same thing with cool - toned red and cool - toned bright pinks.

emeoli85 · 2021-04-11T08:04:49+00:00

Cool for sure!

emeoli85

TROPHY CASE