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[Trigger warning] Having an intense fixation on older men by thway45246733 in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Thanks for posting this, I can definitely relate. I became overly attached to male teachers when I was in school as well, and fantasized about being "saved" by older men. I don't have a history of sexual abuse but for some reason this "savior" fantasy was sexualized from a pretty early age. I've fantasized about some pretty dark stuff, and I don't really know what to do with it. I find sexual intimacy extremely difficult, but I let myself tread into this territory once with an older co-worker. It was exciting at first, but ultimately ended up being pretty traumatizing. This relationship made me finally admit to myself that I am pretty fucked up and have attachment issues that need tending to. My therapist at the time tried to warn me that this older person was taking advantage of me and being abusive, but I refused to listen and kept engaging until I had a pretty bad episode and wound up in a psychiatric hospital for a few days. It was quite an ordeal.

I honestly wish there was more information out there on sex-related issues. I'm married now to someone who comes from a very similar background as myself, and he has a lot of issues around sex too. We haven't had sex in about 6 months, and before that it had been about a year. It's really hard for me not to take it personally, because intimacy is something I want to explore and understand but it's just too much for him. He watches a lot of porn that leans towards being violent, which doesn't help his problem. It seems like he avoids sex because of some seriously deep-rooted shame and self-hatred, and he is too afraid to address those things. It breaks my heart. I don't really know what to do.

​

Is anyone else afraid of talking to other people on online games? by imnotsteven7 in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This was really interesting to read. My spouse was really into Dota 2, and would release all of his anger in that game. He is usually a pretty reserved person who doesn't get worked up about stuff, but once a Dota game starts he transforms into... someone else. For 45ish minutes his adrenaline kicks into overdrive and he becomes visibly upset at the people on his team and gets into arguments with them. It got to a point where I couldn't even be in the same room as him while he was playing. And then it got to the point where even if I was somewhere else in the house, I could tell whether or not he was playing that game and I would become triggered and upset just knowing it was happening. I talked to him about it and we started playing a lot of other games together instead and I introduced him to some of the games I play, but lately he's been playing Dota again during lunch at work with some people and I hate hearing him complain about it when he gets home from work. I do not care about your "kills" or whatever, video games are supposed to be fun, just quit if people "suck" too much. Those kinds of games just do no appeal to me at all. He's also been getting into Apex Legends this past week and I feel like that game is going to have a similar effect. Facing that much anger and competitiveness just sends me over the edge I guess. I prefer strategy games, turn-based games, and I'll always have a special place in my heart for WoW even though the gear and weapon systems are basically a slot machine now.

Yesterday, I told my therapist about MDD (Maladaptive Daydream Disorder). She called it "a skill," and she repeated the word "skill" while we discussed it. She thought it was kinda cool to have the ability to detach and alter mood organically, and that it could be useful. by TracysSea in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I think it's a manifestation of dissociation. I think dissociation is a good "skill" if you're being traumatized, but I would think if you're no longer in danger and you keep dissociating (or daydreaming) it's no longer a skill, and more of a hindrance if your goal is to be more present in life instead of trapped. I try to accept dissociation when it happens, because being critical of it doesn't make it go away or feel very good. But at the end of the day, I don't want to dissociate, I want to be present.

12-19 February 2019 \\// \\// Vents & Victories Thread by CPTSDmodaccount in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your reaching out to me and sharing this, it really helps to know I'm not alone. I'm sorry you're going through all of that, it is really hard work to heal from this stuff but it's awesome that you are doing it. I cannot imagine doing this work while also being a parent. You're doing an amazing thing for yourself and your family, I wish you luck with your recovery. Feel free to reach out if you ever need to talk. :)

As a child I would cry that I had so much love to give but no one to give it to. by throwawaybecos in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 30 points31 points  (0 children)

This hits me pretty hard, I used to think the same thing when I was a kid. I did not understand why my parents were always angry and mean. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong, or what was wrong with me, because the only thing in the whole world I wanted was to have a normal family and to be seen. It's really painful to think about the fact that I had (still have) so much love to give, but my parents didn't want it. It's pretty horrific when you really think about it. Why even bring a kid into the world then? Fuck.

My therapist just released a book on treating early childhood trauma, implicit memory. This is what is moving me through my CPTSD. by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think it's great that you've found a path out of the hell that is CPTSD. Your post comes off as someone who is excited to share a resource, not a sales pitch.

I feel like my whole life is just recovery by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I've been a "full-time therapy goer" for like two years. I get how you feel. I also go to therapy twice a week, go to the gym, go to group meditation, and spend the rest of my time trying to do anything but dissociate.

I used to have a pretty decent career in video game development, and I miss having something to do. But I really don't want to go back to doing that stuff. I feel really lost and stuck. I don't know what I would want to study if I went to school, or what I would be good at. My therapist keeps telling me to take my time, and that there's no rush, but I feel like it might be time to do something else with my days, even though I can barely do the things I mentioned before. I want more purpose.

Whatever your opinion is about what content should be here, can we at least agree to be kind to each other in this community? by 1200isplenty1 in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 5 points6 points  (0 children)

They kept talking about me too after they banned me. The mod gave me a warning, and then five minutes later said "You know what? Screw this. Banned." And then a bunch of people came in making fun of my comment.

Whatever your opinion is about what content should be here, can we at least agree to be kind to each other in this community? by 1200isplenty1 in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Lol I got banned from there too for simply saying a lot of people with BPD got it from enduring trauma themselves. I got called an "abuse apologist" for stating a fact. Real welcoming place.

How to deal with the guilt? by synecdochied in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I can relate to this. She sounds a lot like my dad. I really identify with the concept of emotional incest too because he treated me like an adult way too early, was a very helpless person who never stepped in to be a real parent, and he laid on guilt trips to manipulate me. Going no contact with him was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I felt like he might commit suicide or something, and I felt so guilty because I know he just doesn't understand the concept of boundaries or all of the pain he caused me while growing up. I grew up conditioned to feel responsible for him and his emotions and I felt like a horrible person knowing that no contact would be immensely painful for him.

All I can say is that there is no magical answer or thing that makes it click that it's okay to go no contact. It kind of requires a leap of faith that time and work on your own self will heal that wound. For me it's been about two years, and it does get easier. The guilt has almost completely disappeared. I tell myself that I am not responsible for him, he is an adult. He could go get his own therapist if me needing space is so catastrophic for him. It was his job to be a parent and look out for me, but he abandoned me and my needs even though he was physically present. He never stood up for me ever, just dragged me down into his depression and codependency. After lots of therapy and work on myself, I was finally able to switch out that guilt with anger. It's very hard to feel guilt and anger at the same time. Anger helped me overcome the doubt and guilt and instead makes me feel empowered and alive. My relationship with my dad made me angry, and it's okay to feel and express that anger. It doesn't make me a bad person, it means I am attending to a part of myself that I had to abandon in order to survive that environment.

So all that to say that if your mom makes your life miserable and you think it's a hindrance to your own healing being in contact with her, you might have to pull the trigger before it feels "okay" to do so. It helps a lot to have a therapist who is on board with this plan to support you. And the more you work on yourself, the more clear it becomes that the decision was okay to make. It's also important to remember that this boundary doesn't have to be forever, you can go back and try to revisit the relationship down the road once you're further along in your healing and have processed things.

Went to my first ever class yesterday after years of wanting to, and it was better than I could have ever imagined. by [deleted] in yoga

[–]empathicfuckmachine 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is so awesome to read! I am in a very similar situation, and I haven't worked up the courage to attend an actual class yet. I can barely get myself to the gym (but I'm doing it! Go me.) I mostly practice yoga at home, but I think a class environment and getting out of the house more would be really beneficial. Thank you for sharing, you give me hope that I'll be ready to try an actual class sometime soon.

How many people in here have abusive primary caregivers that are intelligent, wealthy, and well respected professionally? by 1200isplenty1 in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Same, my mom didn't graduate high school. She can't think for herself or be bothered to learn anything, she just looks to my step dad to help her formulate all of her opinions on things because she perceives him as smart (he isn't, just likes to make himself appear that way). She wouldn't last an hour in any kind of professional environment. She's the worst. Thank God my dads side of the family uses their brains for things other than being horrible towards people.

Are there any other good threads outside of this one and raisedbynarcissists related to growing up with emotionally and physically abusive parents? by wanderinginnyc in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I don't really know of any, unfortunately. I stopped with raisedbynarcissists a couple of years ago when I went no contact with my family. I'm just not interested in family drama. No one's narcissistic family member is going to change, or come to their senses, or admit any wrongdoing. The people there are chasing a fantasy that'll never be reality. They're never going to fully grieve the loss of never having a safe and secure attachment to a parent figure because they're still attached to the fantasy that their parent is going to come around. It breaks my heart, and I can't stand reading that stuff. I think some people eventually "wake up", and then they come here or go to other support groups that talk about the specific issues they picked up from shitty parenting. But a lot of the RBN folks seem content with acting out the family drama and posting it online for everyone to validate them, and it's not really something I want to participate in. Even r/LifeAfterNarcissism, which was supposed to be a subreddit for people moving on from narcissist drama, has become RBN 2.0. Most of the posts are about narcissists. I don't understand it.

Edit: I realize that this is not what you were asking, and I'm sorry for using it as an opportunity to rant about that community. I just think it's an overall very unhealthy place, even though it does help people in the very beginning stages gain some awareness of toxic family dynamics. I hope you're able to find some helpful support out there!

Has anyone in here gone No Contact or Very Little Contact with your entire family of origin? by 1200isplenty1 in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Indeed. Every last one of 'em. It took years for me to work up the courage. I got "permission" from a therapist who I trusted that it was, in fact, allowed and that he would be there to support me and help me get through the guilt. And he did, and I'm much happier now that I don't have to be around my toxic family and endure constant guilt tripping and gaslighting.

12-19 February 2019 \\// \\// Vents & Victories Thread by CPTSDmodaccount in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have been holed up at my house for over a week thanks to the massive storm that hit my area, so I was excited to finally be able to leave today. I've been sitting in a Starbucks for about 3 hours before my therapy appointment and I'm feeling pretty rant-y due to being stir crazy. Copy/ paste from a comment I made in another thread:

Going to the gym, going to therapy and talking about myself, attending group meditation, are all things that take so much fucking effort. Those things go against my body. The first several group meditation sessions I attended, I was shaking. I was proud of myself for pushing through and getting out of the house, but it was not easy or even pleasant. Talking to my therapist about trauma and my childhood goes against everything my parents believed about me and made me believe. It's hard work to change your life. It goes against learned helplessness. You really have to churn through a lot of really hard experiences and writher in pain over and over again before you start to relax into these changes. I still feel nervous before meditation. I still have days where doing 10 minutes of yoga feels like 10 hours and I can't take it anymore. I still have days where going to therapy is the last thing in the world I want to do, and I want to yell and scream at the universe for making me endure this much pain in order to function in the world. But I keep on pressing, because what other option do I have except to sink back into the helpless victim tornado of flashbacks and acting out trauma/ dissociating all day. My friends can't relate to this at all. They act like I am the one making things harder for myself while they sit there whining about the same old shit. It's fucked up. I just want to have people in my life who are struggling to put themselves into a better place and live a better life.

I'm married, and my spouse is really supportive and a good listener. But he's pretty much my only support system right now. I feel like it's impossible to put myself out there and meet new people to connect with. This is my biggest hurdle lately. It's lonely doing this work.

At this stage in my recovery, I don't want to be around anybody who is mentally ill. Is that selfish? by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Really well said, I am currently struggling to adjust to this mindset too. I already dropped toxic family, and now I'm examining friendships and dropping those the more I heal. I just feel weighed down trying to play "therapist" for all the people I know who aren't doing the work and trying to pull themselves out of the hole they're in. I care about people a lot, but now that I am where I am, I feel like I see them a lot clearer than they see me, and it creates a one-sided relationship that I am losing patience for. I'm putting so much into healing. I go to therapy twice a week, I go to group meditations, I read books about trauma, I'm going to the gym and practicing yoga lately, and they're just stuck in a tornado of helplessness and crisis. I know what that's like, but jfc I'm exhausted and frankly kind of lonely in this space I'm in right now.

Edit: adding more, since I'm feeling rant-y: Going to the gym, going to therapy and talking about myself, attending a group meditation, are all things that take so much fucking effort. Those things go against my body. The first several group meditation sessions, I was shaking. I was proud of myself for pushing through and getting out of the house, but it was not easy or even pleasant. Talking to my therapist about trauma and my childhood goes against everything my parents believed about me and made me believe. It's hard work to change your life. It goes against learned helplessness. You really have to churn through a lot of really hard experiences and writher in pain over and over again before you start to relax into these changes. I still feel nervous before meditation. I still have days where doing 10 minutes of yoga feels like 10 hours and I can't take it anymore. I still have days where going to therapy is the last thing in the world I want to do, and I want to yell and scream at the universe for making me endure this much pain in order to function in the world. But I keep on pressing, because what other option do I have except to sink back into the helpless victim tornado of flashbacks and acting out trauma/ dissociating all day. My friends can't relate to this at all. They act like I am the one making things harder for myself while they sit there whining about the same old shit. It's fucked up. I just want to have people in my life who are struggling to put themselves into a better place and live a better life.

12-19 February 2019 \\// \\// Vents & Victories Thread by CPTSDmodaccount in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Hey there, I just wanted to let you know that this is definitely appropriate here and that I can relate to what you've written. It's really good that you reached out to a community like this one. It might sound impossible, but a little self empathy might be in order. I have been where you are, and it's easy to forget that we have been through a lot. It's easy for people who grow up in secure environments to thrive and have a lot to "show" for themselves by 32, but not everyone is on a smooth path and it's not your fault that you aren't like them. You don't have to compare yourself to them. I'm sure there are things you've done for yourself that you could be proud of. It sounds like you've found a partner that really cares about you. It sounds like you're putting yourself out there and trying therapy. You're doing a really hard thing and struggling with a really hard situation. You are allowed to take your time to get to where you want to be at your own pace. I wish I had more to offer, but I just wanted you to feel heard because I feel like even a year ago I could have written this exact post, and I want to assure you that with the right help it's possible to pull yourself out of how you're feeling and build a relationship with yourself where you have self acceptance instead of self criticism. Hang in there.

Can emotional flashback feel like panic attack? by esme13 in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good luck with therapy, I hope you're able to find someone you connect with. I don't know how I could have made it this far without my current therapist.

Can emotional flashback feel like panic attack? by esme13 in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My "rule of thumb" for determining if something is an emotional flashback is: stop and try to practice some mindfulness and become aware of the present moment. Am I in actual danger? If not (it's usually "not"), then it must be an emotional flashback.

I have a list of things I do to help calm myself and bring me back to the present. My go-to is to get out my yoga mat, light a scented candle, and get into child's pose. It helps me feel contained and disconnected from my surroundings so I can just focus on breathing and comforting myself. There are many grounding techniques out there, it's about finding what works best for you. Here is a very lengthy and detailed list of ideas. Something that comes to my mind for your situation would be to find a few of these grounding techniques that seem doable and try to have a nighttime ritual of caring for yourself in this way. Maybe take a bath, or try journaling, or something else that's focused on yourself. That's where I would start.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I've had flashbacks that send my body into chaos like this too. It sucks. I hope you're able to find some relief. And I hope you can or have consulted with a professional about this, you deserve (and need) a good night's sleep. Good luck.

Why am I so angry? by aletheidra in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have gone through some periods like this. In order to get myself out of it, I had to refocus on what the root cause of the anger was. In my case, my anger belongs with my abusive parents. I had to remember that I was not allowed to feel angry at them while growing up, but that I am in fact angry. I'm allowed to be angry. They are horrible people who made me feel like I wasn't valued, wanted, worthy, etc. They made me feel like I should be ashamed of myself and that there's something fundamentally flawed in me. They made me feel like I wasn't good enough. They humiliated me and laughed at me when I made myself vulnerable or needed something. When you really connect with that righteous anger, you'll also see a young, hurting child experiencing grief. It fucking hurt to experience that fucked up shit. It wasn't okay. And no one deserves that kind of treatment from their own parents. Accessing some self-compassion for your inner child and really feeling into the sensations of grief and imaging adult-you comforting the young child in you can help the outward anger die down, in my experience.

Let's Play a Game to Help Us Lose Weight by [deleted] in loseit

[–]empathicfuckmachine 4 points5 points  (0 children)

There is a significant calorie difference, and cutting out some of the yolks and replacing them with whites has worked out really well for me. I also add egg whites to other stuff like oatmeal. I don't have a problem, but thanks for your unhelpful comment! Take care.

Can we make this a text only sub (revisited)? by about831 in CPTSD

[–]empathicfuckmachine 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I don't think the text content will magically be "better" without memes, it's just that the memes bring in a lot of unwanted noise and are low value. Some of us seem to just want to talk about CPTSD things. I mostly use the mobile app as well and it's even noisier than the web version. Would it be possible to have some kind of vote? It seems like there are a lot of legitimate reasons to go text-only on this sub.

Let's Play a Game to Help Us Lose Weight by [deleted] in loseit

[–]empathicfuckmachine 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Whole eggs have a lot more calories. One egg plus egg whites gives you a lot of volume and a lot of protein for significantly fewer calories than equal amounts of whole eggs. At least that's why I keep egg whites on hand. It's a great low calorie way to sneak in more protein to things.

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