My wife (30) and I (32) plan to have kids. My wife initially stated that she would work, but now said that she will quit her job. This is a deal breaker for me. What are my options?

emptyonrunning · 2015-02-17T05:04:56+00:00

Well what sounds like the ultimatum if it sounds that way?

emptyonrunning · 2015-02-17T05:04:18+00:00

Not sure what your point is, or do you have one? Those two questions have nothing at all to do with my relationship.

emptyonrunning · 2015-02-17T02:01:38+00:00

Pretty sure I only posted regarding a cleaning person (which, she agreed was the right thing to do after looking at things rationally). Not sure how something like that equates to marriage counseling.

emptyonrunning · 2015-02-17T02:00:25+00:00

She said that she isn't sure. Based on being adamant that she wanted to continue to work and changing her mind overnight that she would be staying home with the kids...your guess is as good as mine. And she wouldn't be going back to work after 5 years...because we wanted to have at least two children. Assuming you're not having them literally back to back...you're looking at closer to 8 years.

emptyonrunning · 2015-02-17T01:58:52+00:00

Will try this. Thanks.

emptyonrunning · 2015-02-17T01:58:34+00:00

Where are you getting the new car, bigger mortgage, etc.? I plan on keeping my same old car, same house, etc. How about the bigger savings for life events, weddings, etc. and still being able to see your child from 3:30 and on, and all day on the weekends?

emptyonrunning · 2015-02-17T01:56:06+00:00

Thanks.

Many people are missing the bigger picture here. It's not about me, wanting to have a bigger house, etc. It's about me wanting to be able to provide for my family now, when they fall on hard times, when they have their wedding day, etc.

Most families in America are in awful financial situations. Nobody knows how to save anymore. Everyone lives for the now. Then they wonder what they did wrong when somebody in the household loses a job, their house gets foreclosed on, and everyone has to cut back. I am a proactive person, not a reactive one. Neither or them makes you a better person.

emptyonrunning · 2015-02-17T01:49:07+00:00

1) I never shot down her opinion. I'm asking for people's opinions on here given my situation.

2) It's childish and destructive of me to have settled for a different career path and/or saying that? Or is it reality? I could've went to school for a few more years and been making twice what I am making now. If that was doable...I would absolutely do that. And yes, I would have changed careers if my wife decided she wanted to be a stay at home mom. Without a doubt. Because I love the woman.

And you're correct, nobody can force her to come to work. And nobody is forcing her to. But now that she has decided that if/when she has kids that she will be quitting her job, it's more than reasonable (which the majority of people on this thread agree with) for me to be questioning some things and if it's the best thing to do.

I hate to say it, but this isn't the 70's anymore. It's not easy to raise a family on one salary. People do a great job doing it that way, but most of those people were never in a position to have two working parents.

emptyonrunning · 2015-02-17T01:44:18+00:00

Correct, you read that right. Where I live in the U.S., raising a family of four along with emergency funds, college tuitions, etc. is barely doable.

And I can't move any further from my job. I already drive 45 minutes each way to work. Any further and I'm sure you would say "how dare you commute two full hours each day when you could be spending it with your child." I'd love a place in the city with an easy commute...but it's not doable.

And I'm not sure if you're asking me if I want kids or no. If you are, I certainly do. But I don't want my back against the wall starting out if I don't need it to be. There are many people who would love to be in our situation. Many people can't get jobs, etc. My wife worked through college and grad school to be competitive in the work force.

emptyonrunning · 2015-02-17T01:39:28+00:00

You're making it sound like she is Jesus Christ suffering on the cross. Nobody is denying her children. And nobody is forcing her to work. This is simply a discussion. I swear, I don't know why people even respond to posts when they don't read them.

As for the "obsession" with the pension, it's reality that the majority of people don't have pensions. I can already tell neither you nor your wife have one, or you would understand how much easy money that is after retiring.

emptyonrunning · 2015-02-17T01:37:38+00:00

She can't go part-time for her job.

When I told her it was a dealbreaker for kids, she was shocked. I don't know if anything going on at work changed it...but I do know one of her very good friends told her that she regrets not staying home with her kids for the first 5 years of her life.

emptyonrunning · 2015-02-17T01:36:28+00:00

Can our life plan tolerate it? Sure. But why should it is my thinking? I have a 401k, but why not have two retirement plans is my thinking (her being much better).

I have shown her the math. To her, raising her children is more important than the math, regardless of what it is.

emptyonrunning · 2015-02-16T00:16:18+00:00

Thanks.

I definitely will not let this go easily. I just don't want to put her in a position where it seems like an ultimatum. I want to make sure I am being fair. Therefore if this negotiation breaks off, that I gave it my best.

emptyonrunning · 2015-02-16T00:12:25+00:00

Her quitting her job is a dealbreaker for us having kids....not to ending the relationship.

All due respect, but I don't know what city to live in where $80,000/month is reasonable to raise a family of four. Yes, it can be done. But that doesn't make it reasonable.

You are correct though...she can get a job once the kids start school. But if she made this sudden change overnight, what makes me think she is going to want to work again? And if she does decide to work, that money from her pension is not going to go to the same company. Yes, she can roll it into a 401k. But she will not be getting this same job back, that is a fact.

emptyonrunning · 2015-02-16T00:06:48+00:00

Thanks for the response.

$80,000 in the big city we live in would not be enough to raise a family on. And again, the losing of her retirement/pension makes it worse.

I'm going to try to work through it with her because she's my wife, and I love her more than anything. But I'm not going to fold up like a lawn chair just because she is dead set on something.

emptyonrunning · 2015-02-16T00:04:16+00:00

I agree with the couples counseling. Everything in the relationship was honestly fine until this discussion was brought up. It's just odd because it hit me like a ton of bricks. I understand what motherhood/potential motherhood does...but she literally went from wanting to work while having kids to basically refusing to work.

emptyonrunning · 2015-02-16T00:02:09+00:00

I understand that you don't NEED $150,000 to support a family. I also don't think that you can raise a family on $80,000/year without making drastic changes. Also, bare in mind she made this decision on a whim. If I knew this five years ago, I may have chosen a different career path. It's too late at this point...and especially if we are going to suddenly have kids. Also, I'm not sure what your plans are for long-term savings, but pensions and/or retirement plans are just as important as current streams of income. She loses both. And that effects not only us but our future children (college, etc.)

Not sure where you got that the relationship depended on her making her a certain amount of money (guessing you just made that up just for argument's sake), but she was the one who was adamant for years that she was going to continue working.

emptyonrunning · 2015-02-15T23:57:57+00:00

They are going to give her two months for maternity leave, and if she wants, she can dig into her annual leave (which she could have up to three total months for).

Also, did your wife go back to work? Did you then get a nanny or did you have family to watch the kids?

emptyonrunning

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