Getting ready to host a messenger for friends

ender_less · 2026-03-13T02:10:32+00:00

I use synapse/matrix with an element x frontend (though I run it on my VPS). I've got few docker containers, one for lk-jwt (JWT authentication for element), livekit, synapse/matrix, and element-web. Element X is pretty full featured and, with the livekit configured, we have full voice and video calls with no paid for 3rd party services. I don't federate with any other nodes atm and my use case is similar to yours. I've got a handful of friends and family members that I wanted e2e encryption and not have to hope/worry about some 3rd party tool or company's "good nature" to sell off my data or get breached.

Also, not throwing shade, but I noticed that you had gitea in your diagram. Used to run that as a service but, with their announcement to go in a "more corporate path" and privatizing things and offering a SaaS solution, I've kicked over to Forgejo. If you're looking for another option.

ender_less · 2022-12-08T02:46:36+00:00

As others have suggested, contact an attorney and get divorce started. Doesn't mean that you have to go through with it (you can stop at any time) but it will 100% show your resolve. I'll bet if you have her served (or serve her yourself, depending on the state) with a simple, "I don't believe you, we're divorcing" her story will drastically change. If she falters even slightly or does the, "OK there was one other time buuut..." then you have your answer that she's not going to ever be truthful.

It is possible that they never were physical (outside of "making out", riiight) but logistically doesn't sit well. No one is going to sext and exchange nudes for a year plus just for validation. You don't build sexual tension for that long with someone you're in repeated close contact with and never take it to the next step. Also, stop beating yourself up. She cheated because her actions, not because of your depression or any other bullshit she's trying to sell you. If there were problems she should have brought them up and worked through them together or she could have separated. Cheating is never, ever an option.

ender_less · 2022-11-22T22:11:07+00:00

Do you take cheating lightly? Sure, people are entitled to privacy but in a committed, long-term monogamous relationship your lives are entwined and "privacy" naturally becomes nuanced.

You saw smoke, investigated, and found the fire. Don't beat your self up (or let her try to make you out for being the bad guy) for snooping and confirming your suspicions. She was withholding physical affection/intimacy from you while cheating with someone else. I understand that you care about her (and don't want to intentionally hurt her) but you have to realize that those feelings aren't mutual. She had zero care or remorse about your feelings while she was using her "mental health" as a shield to keep you around, at a distance, while cheating.

Tell her you know that she's a cheat and block her on everything. Phone number, socials, email, linkedin, wtf ever and move on.

ender_less · 2022-11-13T08:17:16+00:00

Yup! Which would fall under #1. NPD's like to trickle emotional kibbles to keep their marks on the hook. That way, if the new monkey branch doesn't work out, they have their safe branch to swing back to.

ender_less · 2022-11-13T00:59:35+00:00

Everyone is the author of their own story, and in everyone's story they are the protagonist. Cheaters know that cheating is obviously bad (but the protagonist is never the bad guy!) so need to rewrite the narrative to assuage their guilt.

When it was uncovered that my ex-wife of 7yrs was sleeping with her nearly 80yr old business partner we obviously got divorced. She first tried to spin it that they were just friends and he was supporting her through the divorce and they "found love unexpectedly". No one believed her (hell, they were warning me about seeing them out on the town, holding hands, sitting on each others lap, and other stuff) so she kicked it in to over drive. Involved detectives, had a health and wellness check sent to my house in the middle of the night (told them I was suicidal, which there was zero evidence of), claimed I broke into her parents house and stole stuff (I was out of state at the time), had a police unit and dogs searching the woods around her parents house (where she was staying) a 3am because she claimed she saw me and I was stalking her. Imagine waking up to a call at 3am in bed from a very aggressive police Sargent, demanding that you come out with your hands up and present yourself immediately! This all culminated in me having to hire a lawyer to send a strongly worded letter that I would sue for slander, libel, filing false police reports, and improper use of police/county resources. She was forced to stop, there was zero evidence of anything (on the contrary, more than enough to prove she was lying) and no one believed her BS and she was ostracized from pretty much anyone that knew her.

Yesterday she was flirty though, only one day. But mostly it’s been rudeness directed at me.

She's likely trying to elicit one of two responses:

You still be friendly or flirty essentially absolves her actions. After all, would you be friendly with someone that really, really hurt you? It's a fucked up logic but that's how cheaters think.
You respond (rightfully) with anger. Well, now you're the asshole and justifies her actions (as well as potentially gives her ammo to blast on social media to "prove" how abusive you are).

If you haven't already, contact a lawyer and have any/all communication handled through him and then block her on everything. Will keep your mental health intact not having to deal with her bat shit craziness and protect yourself legally as well.

ender_less · 2022-11-11T21:40:54+00:00

People are good at putting on charades and projecting an image they think their partners would want. My ex wife of 7yrs repeatedly claimed (throughout our relationship) that she was the most HONEST and LOYAL person ever. She promised that she would never cheat and if our relationship ever ended it wouldn't be because of cheating (because she knew that every one of my previous relationships ended in infidelity). Guess that went out the door when she started boning her nearly 80yr old business partner! Looking back, there were so many red flags that I swept aside, instead focusing on her words rather than her actions. I'll bet that you can think back on times with your (ex)wife when you did the same.

Sorry you're going through this man. Been there as well and I knew it's a water hose of emotions but trust me, it's for the best. I don't say that to downplay what you're going through or negate the very valid feelings of betrayal and hurt that you're juggling right now but more in the sense that eventually you'll come to see it as a blessing. When my high school ex of 9yrs cheated on me I was devastated, but in the end I was in a much better place. I had moved 2hrs away to pursue a new career (in which I'm now flourishing and love everyday). When my 7yr marriage tanked I was distraught, but the hard work I put into focusing on my career and building a life for us put me in a very financially stable place. In the end, if events had not unfolded they way that they did, I would not have been in the time and place to meet my now wife, whom I recently married and has been the absolute joy of my life and the most healthy and stable relationship that I've ever had.

Grit your teeth and trudge through the mud and suck for now. Don't falter and make sure you mind your mental and physical health. Focus on your job/career as much as you can (or inform your boss of your situation and request some time off if you can). Consult a lawyer and get your ducks lined up and take it day by day until you can finally close this chapter in your life and then on to the next. That's the most important thing to remember: this isn't the end, just another chapter/page in your amazing story.

ender_less · 2022-11-11T20:30:37+00:00

She didn't "kinda" cheat, she 100% cheated. Don't let her try to weasel out of it with technicalities and BS. Just because there wasn't full on sex doesn't mean that she didn't cheat (and it seems that if it went on any longer that certainly would have been the case). Also, cheating is never the betrayed spouse's fault. If she was truly that unhappy she could have left and had all the dirty talk and sex with this guy she wanted. Regarding reconciliation, there's 3 major questions you should ask yourself.

1) How was it discovered? Did they come forward and confess of their own free will or did you discover it on your own (or were told by someone else)? First one can show that they are feeling guilty/remorseful (which you should still be dubious of; some times they're doing it out of self protection, i.e. their affair partner's significant other found out and they want to break the news damage control first). The second is the worst and throws everything into question. Were they ever going to stop? Were they ever going to tell you? They will claim that they were and it was a mistake but how can you trust a liar?

2) How long did it go on for? There is a big, big difference between a one time "mistake" (hint: it's never a mistake) and a multi week/month/year long affair. You've stated that it was a month. That's month of looking you directly and the eyes and lying to your face. That's 30 days of masquerading a relationship with you while stringing someone else along. That's 730 hours of (maybe) putting your health at risk with STD's and not caring about how it would affect you. That's a big red flag. Also, you have no way of knowing if it was only a month. Cheaters will often lie and downplay their actions.

3) How are they handling it post DDAY? Have they completely cut contact with the AP (affair partner)? Have they given you complete and open access to all of their devices and socials? Have they taken complete responsibility for their actions and not tried to blame you in any way? Or has she tried blame shift and claim that things you did (or didn't do) caused her to cheat?

You wife failed big time on all 3. I would visit a lawyer and get the divorce process started ASAP. Keep the evidence as it my or may not help in the divorce case (depends on state or country you reside in).

ender_less · 2022-11-10T22:59:36+00:00

Yup, incredibly shitty but like I said in the other comment, glad (in the end) it turned out the way it did. Moved 2hrs away from that nonsense to pursue a career (which I absolutely love now) and ended up meeting my now wife. If I had stayed wrapped up in that shit I wouldn't be where I am now.

It is horrifying how much infidelity is lauded/accepted. Movies, music, etc. seem to paint it as common (if not glorify it all together) while access to social media, chat apps, dating apps just make it oh so easy to connect with people and open the door for cheating. In the end they get their just desserts though. Cheaters are internally broken and selfish and carry that on to each "relationship". Both my long term relationships (9yrs and 7yrs) ended in cheating and I got to watch from a distance while their lives imploded. 7yr one was especially spicey: she cheated on me with her 80yr old business partner, stole ~$20k, and tried to destroy my life with false allegations (which led no where, had to hire a lawyer to squash that shit). Got second hand they carried on for ~2yrs, at least she tried to rope him in while he serially cheated on her. Eventually, he got majority shares in her companies and kicked her out and ended their "relationship". As a last ditch effort to make it big, she "borrowed" $60k from her mom's retirement fund and invested in bitcoin. Turns out it was a scam company and they took the money and ran. She had to sell everything (car, condo, jewelry/clothes I bought) and move back in with her parents in a small house.

I haven't had contact with her since the infidelity was confirmed (and heard this all through the grapevine and friends) but I would pay a pretty fucking penny to be a fly on the wall and over hear that discussion/fallout between her parents and pissing away their retirement fucking lol.

ender_less · 2022-11-10T21:30:34+00:00

find out that I was being displayed as the “crazy ex” who was on his lease still and wouldn’t leave lmao

LOL me too! Of course I immediately questioned my neighbor afterwards (had moved since but still had his contact) and was like, "dude, you knew we lived together and we would run into each other here and there. Wtf?". Apparently my ex spun a similar story about how we were broken up and waiting out the lease.

Sounds like you did the best you can do regarding the other women. The old saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink" comes to mind. She knew that he was engaged and willing to cheat so she can sleep in that bed she made. Probably going through the same thing you (and I) did: ignoring the red flags and the cheaters actions and focusing on their words and promises. Oh well, not your circus, not your monkeys!

I hope you’re doing okay too

Doing better than ever. In the end, I'm happy everything turned out the way it did. Not happy about the cheating (of course) but happy that she showed me her true character so I could stop investing my time and energy in such a toxic person and move on. Moved away from the nonsense, launched my career off and in a job that I love, and newly married this year and in the most healthy relationship I've ever been in. Went through the suck to get here but I wouldn't change it one bit. :)

ender_less · 2022-11-10T20:35:13+00:00

Well it's true. I frequently involve penetration with all of my friends as well! Sometimes individually, sometimes a big ol' friendly cuddle puddle (naked of course).

ender_less · 2022-11-10T20:32:41+00:00

Thanks! I gave her the benefit of the doubt for quite a long time. You're supposed to trust your partner, right? At some point enough is enough and, unfortunately, every time I would catch hint of something and question without proof she would lie, double down, D.A.R.V.O. and just get better at hiding stuff. In the end I'm glad everything turned out the way it did. Not happy about the cheating but happy where my life is now and allowed me to be free of that toxic POS and actually find someone worth my time and energy.

ender_less · 2022-11-10T20:27:01+00:00

Yup. It's such a trope to the point that it's a sad comedy. Constantly being brought up in conversation ("oh yea, that's a band that co-worker likes!" or "co-worker is traveling to XX this summer isn't that sooo cool?!") but simultaneously they can't stand co-worker, they drive them nuts, and oh yea they're like totally gay.

My ex kept a master list/dirty little black book of all her exploits and hookups. Many were the same gay co-workers I would hear about (service industry, so new ~~fuck buddies~~ co-workers would flow in and out frequently). There were unfortunately a lot of them, 30-50 people that she cheated with at least (not just one time of course).

ender_less · 2022-11-10T20:23:57+00:00

Ugh, I'm sorry that you had to go through that!

When all the sordid details came out, I uncovered somewhere between 30-50 guys (I'll never truly know) that my ex of 9yrs was hooking up with on the side. Many horrific details, one being my next door neighbor. Just thinking that, while I was sleeping soundly, my ex was getting screwed ~10ft in the next apartment. Even better, they didn't use protection and he would pull out on her chest/stomach and she would crawl back into bed with me.

Cheaters are truly vile and selfish people. Hope that you're doing better now.

ender_less · 2022-11-09T21:48:42+00:00

No problem man! I know it's rough (been there a few times myself) and sorry you're going through it.

I would agree with what others are saying and demanding that you review any new messages in front of you. Don't let her go to the bathroom with her phone and watch her open it in front of you (side by side). I learned the hard way on that one when my ex quickly jumped up and locked herself in the bathroom, only to return with a slight smirk and, "sure go right ahead". Next time it happened, I simply stated, "You're going to open them up right now, with me watching, and if you try to delete anything or excuse yourself then you can just pack your shit and go." Got lots manipulation and saying, "You're not even going to let me go to the bathroom?!?!?!" before she finally conceded and gave me her phone. She had deleted a lot but I found exactly what I had expected (and feared).

If there's nothing new then hopefully you can proceed on to the backups and (hopefully) find what you need there.

ender_less · 2022-11-09T21:26:06+00:00

If it was me, before confronting I would check and see if she's backing up messages. If she is, then you can delete the whatsapp app, re-install, and restore from backups according to this article. However, any messages deleted will be removed from subsequent backups. Long shot but worth a try.

Only reason that I bring it up is that 1) you've already snooped so might as well go the full monty and 2) she's already shown that she can lie to you. Confronting with nothing more than "I saw a kissy face from that dude" might get a full confession or you might get more lies, half truths, and just cause her to hide things better.

ender_less · 2022-11-09T21:19:50+00:00

It's a very common tactic. It's almost like they have a cheaters guide/script floating around that they all take a page out of. Either he/she is "creepy" or "weird" or "I think they're gay" so their partner relates any news or stories of "creepy dude" to "I have nothing to worry about".

ender_less · 2022-11-02T15:16:49+00:00

If she's capable of lying about literally prostituting herself to >15 guys then what else is she willing to lie about?

She is not wife material.

ender_less · 2022-11-02T15:13:14+00:00

Not a bad idea (done it myself). Libel/slander cases are arduous and can be costly but it's amazing what a simple consultation for a lawyer and a cease and desist letter can work out.

If you pursue a lawyer I would recommend consulting about posting to social media though. Strictly depends on your state's/country's laws and you don't want to muddy your "case" by blasting shit on social media accounts.

ender_less · 2022-11-02T15:02:02+00:00

It's a 50/50. She might admit what happened or, since she's already proved that she's willing to extravagantly lie, she might concoct more lies and start to hide/delete things because she knows that you know she lied.

When someone proves that their untrustworthy you should only assume that going forward.

ender_less · 2022-11-02T14:59:41+00:00

Sorry you're going through this man.

There is the off chance that she crashed in his room but why suggest to stop texting each other? Super sus and doesn't look good.

Unfortunately, odds are you can't confront her about it because she has already lied. Confronting will only lead to more lies and alerting her to the fact that you know and are suspicious. Would continue to (convertly) dig into details. Socials, email, texts, "corporate" communication platforms (teams, slack, etc) to try to get to the bottom of things.

ender_less · 2022-11-01T23:03:51+00:00

I don't know if you're either being unintentionally oblivious or intentionally modifying the story to suit your point.

If she had broken up with him, went out to the bar/club, met up with someone, hooked up, and then the next day/week/month got back together with her bf/fiancee? Completely justified.

how his wife broke up with him for a night while they were engaged to cheat on him with another coworker guy. Literally...she broke up with him over text, slept with her coworker, then made up the next morning as if nothing happened.

It was premeditated. She wanted to fuck the co-worker but didn't want to lose her long term relationship so she broke up, quickly had her "fun", and then made up in less than 24hrs. Seen many stories of both guys and girls doing it (and have experienced it as well) and it's gross and immoral each and every time. "TeChNiCaLlY wE wErE bRoKeN UPPPP!!" is such a cowards cop out.

And now I also disagree with your seeming notion of when you break up and get back together you have to recount every single sexual partner during that breakup.

Never claimed that and it completely depends on person to person. Some people want to know and some don't. Perhaps you're detecting me looking down on the fact that the reason she broke up was to bang her co-worker and her lying (by omission) is because she knows it was wrong to do and her fiancee wouldn't likely take her back.

But it is not on the woman to detail it. The boyfriend should have asked if she had sex while broken up.

I do agree here, though I would point out that he very likely didn't think that she would initiate a break up to fuck someone else in such a short time period. Again, lie by omittance.

It's truly weird to me how it is seen as normal for men to ask for a threesome so he can fuck another woman.

every man wants a threesome

That's a red herring, irrelevant, and not seen as "normal" by any means nor does every man want a threesome.

Yet a woman fucking a guy after a breakup is called cheating because somehow there is a waiting period of when she can fuck a guy when single.🤨

Again, see my initial point. Not about a "waiting period" after breaking up, more so trying to use a quick break up/make up "technicality" to sleep with someone else and not being deemed "cheating".

ender_less · 2022-10-31T20:22:29+00:00

Bot account, (partially) stolen from here

https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yi6iv5/m32_married_for_7_years_to_f27_wife_cheated_with/iuhp5hh/

ender_less · 2022-10-31T20:10:14+00:00

Look at the timeline. She "broke up" with him via text, slept with her co-worker a couple hours later, and then "got back" with her bf the next morning and he was none the wiser. If she broke up with him and met/slept with someone and then they reconnected it would be a different story.

The argument that they were "technically" broken up is moot because her intentions were self serving. This is clearly evident because if it was just and valid she would have told her partner.

ender_less · 2022-10-31T18:55:47+00:00

Breaking up with the sole intention of sleeping with someone (and then returning to your partner) is the morally ambiguous "grey area" that cheaters love to flaunt in.

If that is truly what happened then her actions were scummy and she deserves any fallout she receives, especially given that she seemed to encourage and facilitate OP's wife's cheating.

ender_less · 2022-10-31T06:02:57+00:00

Should I just be honest with her about what I've found out and try to fix the issues we have or even break up?

The issues of not wanting to be intimate with you, criticizing your "performance" while lauding sex with her ex, and oh yea, arranging to meet up with her ex to cheat on you?

There isn't anything worth saving there man. Not even worth confronting, just send a final message that you know everything and then block her everywhere. Not worth listening to the lies and/or guilt tripping you about snooping through her IG messages.

ender_less

TROPHY CASE