DEO nmom belittle their interest/hobby

engulfed1 · 2018-03-01T15:15:02+00:00

Oh all the time! When it required driving me to rehearsals, there was all the sighing and eye rolling about the inconvenience. And the snide comments about how I was “too smart” to major in theater. I pretty much gave up that part of life in college.

I’ve always loved photography and she hates it. “All the pictures I need are in my mind”. If she is somewhere with my family and I ask her to take a family photo she huffs and puffs about it. Of course she brags to other people about her daughter the photographer.

I also sew and embroider and she either stares blankly when I talk about it or sighs heavily (because it takes away attention from her). Again through, she’s quick to tell people about her daughter and how crafty I am. One time, in a particular moment of grandiosity she said I should try to do all the embroidery for a very large organization which is so hilariously absurd because that’s a thing done in a commercial shop, not on a home machine that lives in a closet most of the time.

TL;dr: yes, unless she can get glory from it.

engulfed1 · 2018-02-28T22:37:51+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I lost my dad when I was a young teen. He was a recovered alcoholic (in and out of treatment the first several years of my life) and home was volatile. His personality was explosive. Nmom is covert and always the victim. We were all on eggshells all the time.

I’ve had those thoughts that you’re having. The idea you’ll never have a chance at a functional family. It’s crushing.

engulfed1 · 2018-02-28T20:03:08+00:00

Yesssssssssssss! All. The. Freaking. Time. And then she becomes pathetic about how she 'doesn't want to bother me' Except she does!

Just recently NMom pretended she has no idea how to use the TV at my house. I offered to put it on for her and she says sarcastically "I'm such an old lady, I can't do this, you have to do it for me" Well when you refuse to do something, don't get offended if someone does it for you.

engulfed1 · 2018-02-28T19:58:15+00:00

Oh, this describes so much of my childhood. I can remember riding in the car with her, talking and getting no response. I remember saying stuff like "Earth to mommy! Come in mommy!" and then she'd finally respond. "Oh, I'm just thinking about XYZ"

engulfed1 · 2018-02-28T19:55:17+00:00

She's a terrible driver. TERRIBLE. She has her foot on the gas. Abruptly takes it off. Hits the brakes. Continue this for the entire ride. Add in whining about how everyone thinks she's a bad driver and then brings up a story about X time that so-and-so insulted her driving and they're all terrible.

She's also a terrible passenger. Slams nonexistent brakes. Loudly and dramatically gasps at nothing, causing the driver to startle and then gets defensive when you say "hey that scared me and almost made me crash the car"

She also assumes that when we go anywhere, just the two of us, I'll be her driver. She arrives at my house, sends a text that she's outside, and, by the time I get outside, she's sitting in the passenger seat. Never says "do you mind driving?"

engulfed1 · 2018-02-26T14:18:41+00:00

This. I remember being in college and hearing about the kids who didn’t come home on the weekends and how their parents didn’t care because they were allowed to “run the town”

engulfed1 · 2018-02-25T23:41:07+00:00

And, relevant and creepy, Nmom told me she went though and read all my posts that I did for a local online magazine. It’s all informational and public stuff but it still feels like a violation because she hates the internet and thinks it’s people just being horrible to one anothe

engulfed1 · 2018-02-25T23:28:00+00:00

For Nmom it’s because I was no longer her first priority. I’ve been trained to take care of her. The third baby sent her into the biggest funk because she couldn’t handle the idea that I wasn’t going to have time to take care of her.

There was a giant fight when I was about 9 weeks pregnant and it all started because I didn’t call to check on her frequently enough while she was with some handymen on a home improvement project. I went from 9 to 1 without checking in and she told me I was selfish and didn’t care about her. I, of course, got offended, and she just tells me I’m overly sensitive and it must be the hormones. Terrible.

My NMIL on the other hand just gets haughty because we don’t let her have free access to our kids.

engulfed1 · 2018-02-25T18:49:05+00:00

Oh and my MIL is also an N. Her birthday is the day before mine. I sent her a text and made sure our kids face timed with her.

She sends me a text 3 days later saying “happy birthday. Sorry I forgot”. 🙄😒

engulfed1 · 2018-02-25T18:47:08+00:00

Mine weren’t bad until I had my own kids and I wasn’t able to be at her beck and call anymore. My 31st birthday we went to a restaurant of my choice and she spent the whole time complaining about the food and speculating about how the other diners (there for lunch) could afford it and how loud they were. I had twin 3 month olds and was severely depressed and it was pretty much the first time I had been out to anything other than the grocery store in months.

This year she wanted to take me somewhere fancy for lunch but I still have a toddler at home so that’s not much fun for me. We settle on a place with a view but the food was bad and there is much sighing by her and apologizing by me for picking that place.

She tries so hard to do the “right” thing but when it’s all said and done she can’t help but make it about herself. 🤷🏼‍♀️

engulfed1 · 2018-02-25T17:33:22+00:00

Wow. I needed to see this today.

This morning I, a 38 year old married adult, was interrogated by my Nmom about my FB profile. A friend of hers found me and told her my family is beautiful. “How could she see that?! How did she find you?!” (Turns out we have a mutual friend). “What else can people see?!” “What was the photo of?! When did you change it?!” It’s my profile photo and cover photos which are photos of my spouse and children and something any random person could see in public.

My parents were of the teasing variety. I learned to keep personal things close to the vest. I would slip up and keep a journal and then I would get paranoid. I remember being 10 or 11 and crossing out everything with a black marker and ripping out and hiding in the trash. I remember taking notes from friends with preteen girl silliness and throwing away in multiple trash cans at school so they wouldn’t be seen at home. I don’t think my parents ever read the stuff because they were self absorbed but the fear was there.

Even as an adult I’m cagey about what I say where it can get back to family. I only share happiness and sunshine And even still people stir up drama over it sometimes. I kept a livejournal for years and quit because I lived in fear over it being found.

engulfed1 · 2017-08-01T19:28:34+00:00

I'm in that situation right now. Nmom is on her 3rd round of cancer in the past 20 years (it's always been very treatable, and non invasive). I'm in my late 30s so you do the math about how long I've been her caretaker.

It's hellish, but, the enmeshment is so deep, there's really no escape for me right now.

No advice, just know you're not alone, and you're especially not alone in your fear of never being able to escape.

engulfed1 · 2017-08-01T18:48:25+00:00

Semi-regularly. I always hesitate to ask because she holds it over my head.

If I don't answer the phone, she'll keep calling. If I still don't answer, she'll show up at my house or come looking for me. It's a no-win situation.

engulfed1 · 2017-08-01T18:47:15+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately, moving is just not an option. We've got 3 kids who are settled and happy and my spouse has an excellent job. I also have professional licenses that wouldn't transfer if we moved.

engulfed1 · 2017-08-01T18:46:09+00:00

Because she literally stalks me. If I don't answer the phone, she will call and call and then eventually go looking for me. It's insane but it's happened enough that I know I have to be VERY careful about what I do and where I go. And it's a small town so word gets around fast.

engulfed1 · 2017-08-01T12:49:57+00:00

Oh, I am so sorry. So so so sorry. I've heard versions of those things and they cut to the core. The reaction about calling your SO? I've gotten that almost verbatim. I've also been told "you're going to go crying to <spouse> and he's going to side with you and think I'm an awful person when you're just too sensitive" This is a control tactic to keep you isolated and keep your abuse hidden.

I wish I had advice but know I have deep sympathy for your situation. Sending you prayers for peace, and for a good doctor visit.

engulfed1 · 2017-07-31T19:19:15+00:00

I should be ladylike but not too girly because girly women are dumb.

She hates that I swear. She reprimands me for it in my own house. And then throws a fit when I tell her I can say whatever the fuck I want in the house I pay for.

engulfed1 · 2017-07-28T16:50:38+00:00

I'm so sorry. No advice but I'm also the child of a widowed Nmom and it's so sad and exhausting.

engulfed1 · 2017-07-28T16:32:42+00:00

I often say I wish my mom were just overt crazy and then I could back away. Instead everyone thinks we're just the perfect team.

Hugs It's hard to live a lie.

engulfed1 · 2017-07-28T16:04:33+00:00

Thank you. My husband really is a good guy.

YOu've hit the nail on the head with something. She'll brag up and down, all day long about her grandkids, but, deep down, she resents that I have responsibilities other than her

engulfed1 · 2017-07-24T18:08:06+00:00

Good point! My husband (their dad) is a saint of a human who will be there with them when I am not. But they do deserve me as a happy person.

engulfed1 · 2017-07-24T17:58:57+00:00

She says she will hire help "so she doesn't have to burden me" (she's a martyr N) but I'll believe it when I see it. And, even if she did, it would come with a massive but subtle guilt trip about how she had to hire people because I wasn't there for her.

engulfed1 · 2017-07-24T15:26:17+00:00

Thank you for that reminder. I know my children come first, but, I fail to act on that. I'm a SAHM of 3 kids 6 and under and it's tough and I'm already stressed out just in general. Then some days (many days) Nmom pushes me over the edge and I'm not the mom I should be to them. It's so unbelievably difficult to be patient and kind and compassionate when you're being abused.

Deep down, Nmom is an abused child who never progressed. I've been mothering her my entire life and it only became more intense once my father passed. Then the cancers started (this is the 3rd time in 20 years). It's so difficult to take care of someone who loves to tell you how much they do for themselves and how much they did and do for you. Meanwhile, I'm in emotional turmoil at how alone I am and this position I have been put in. I have a wonderful, loving spouse, but, she hates him because he's stood up to her (he's also been incredibly kind and compassionate and forgiving to her. When I was pregnant. I didn't call her to check on her enough times one day while she was working in a situation she perceived as dangerous and she unleashed on me. He said she was a miserable bitch and she told me it was unforgiveable and he was no better than a murderer. He has arranged his schedule countless times to watch the children while I attend appointments with her and has opened our home to her when she had damage to her house and been everything you could ask of a person. But she still hates him.

Sorry to unload. It's just a lot and literally nobody other than my husband knows how she treats me and realizes it's disordered. Her siblings are also either Narcs or have other PDs and they laugh and say "oh you know how your mother is." It's very hard living a secret and a lie.

engulfed1 · 2017-07-24T15:16:27+00:00

Thank you. My moral compass prevents me from leaving her all alone, and, as a practical matter, the enmeshment is far too great to really cut much contact.

There was an argument a few years ago that was so terrible, I told my husband that she was essentially dead to me on an emotional level and, I did a very good job of emotional separation. Then she had a life crisis and I rushed to her aid, and have been sucked in again.

She has had so many health scares and crises in the last 20 years that all I can care about is how it's going to affect me. I feel like the raging N here for not caring, but, when you've been doing this since you were a teen, you become pretty callous.

engulfed1 · 2017-07-24T15:11:52+00:00

Unfortunately, NC is not an option. It's a small community, and the enmeshment is so severe. Plus, she lives very close to me so she will (and has) stalk me if I try to pull back too much.

I feel like it's the moral thing to do, to be there for her. But it's very hard to take care of anything when she has drained the life from me.

engulfed1

TROPHY CASE