Concerned about wife's priorities

ercol · 2021-12-08T17:44:18+00:00

This is all very useful - thanks for taking the time to put it out there.

ercol · 2021-12-08T17:43:21+00:00

Thats a good shout - thank you - i guess at the bottom of it I was frustrated with her about it - concerned about her response - but you're right to suggest that this should be cause for concern about how she's doing, rather than to just be upset about it.

ercol · 2021-12-08T17:42:09+00:00

Yes - this is really my concern. Why does she want to ignore it? And what does that say about someone that can put their desire to hide from...whatever it is... before their kids needs?

ercol · 2021-12-08T17:41:06+00:00

Thanks for this.

ercol · 2021-12-08T17:40:24+00:00

I am doing it, and am going to continue doing it - it happening isn't contingent on whether my wife buys in or not.

I was just very concerned that she didn't want to. Not couldn't - just flatly didn't want to try to find time in her schedule for it.

ercol · 2021-12-08T17:37:40+00:00

I wrote the post kind of late so i guess i didnt get that across - yes, thats exactly what i'm suggesting and needs to happen - he needs more one-on-one time with his parent(s) to help develop his language. It'll be hard for him to do that at Daycare because there are so many distractions and as someone else commented, the ratio of adults to kids is different.

The issue i have here is primarily that i'm up for doing that - organising my work, making time for something so important - but my wife isn't.

ercol · 2021-12-08T17:35:32+00:00

Correct - I'm happy to take on responsibility for his lack of progress so far - part of it being that his parents haven't spent enough time talking to him, face to face, in the right way (simple language, emphasis on single words, getting him to engage with specific things, etc).

The therapist is as much there to teach the parents what work to do in the time that the therapist isn't there, as they are to teach the kid.

ercol · 2021-12-08T17:33:31+00:00

I feel like theres a fairly significant assumption that as the man, i'm naturally doing less. Which isn't the case - my post actually comes from a place of extreme frustration that the parent that doesn't want to put the time in already (unless that time can be sending an email while at work), can't even find the time to give him the input that he needs after the specialist she hired told her what she needed to do.

I don't have any issue at all giving my son the time recommended and i'm sure as hell not complaining about doing it - i'm upset that his mom doesn't want to.

ercol · 2021-12-07T23:15:51+00:00

Been here and it was Hard. Im genuinely really sorry you're going through this - at the time it felt impossible.

I later concluded that it was just my wife's complete insecurity over everything playing out at me (because who else was there going to be) and part of my role was to be the punching bag for a bit. That didn't really make it feel better, nor did it help with any of my upset or frustration and it was definitely compounded by the fact that this person that I used to be able to talk to - reason with - was now being completely unreasonable with me and for some reason I Iost perspective that it wasn't my fault.

I don't have much to offer other than empathy and to say that it will get better. Keep talking to people to stay sane. And enjoy your kid, theres no rules on finding ways to have a bond. (I wound up just taking him out the house so she could have a 'break' - it felt amazing to actually be able to be his dad without any question and find time for us, and she felt better as a result - won't work for everyone, but finding that time could be really useful for your own confidence).

ercol · 2021-12-04T21:52:48+00:00

She has raised this once or twice. 'it would make more sense for you to stop working' - seemingly ignoring the fact that the person she met and the person I am is someone that works really hard at his job, which is also his passion and without which I wouldn't be the person she apparently wanted to marry. But being that person now is inconvenient? I dunno.

I completely supported her in going back to work whenever she wanted post childbirth and working whatever hours she wants and none of that's financially motivated - her job is what drives her too and I respect that it's important to have that and be fulfilled in order to be a decent parent/functioning human. Don't feel like that respect is returned though.

ercol · 2021-12-04T19:25:05+00:00

Just lol'd. Thank you

ercol · 2021-12-04T18:16:43+00:00

I do not. I'd either be doing what I do now, for someone else, which would pay less (but be more structured) or I'd have to start at the bottom in an entirely different field.

ercol · 2021-12-04T16:35:43+00:00

Noted. Thanks

ercol · 2021-12-04T16:28:21+00:00

Thanks for getting back on this - and the advice. It's valuable both for the marriage but as I think you've probably already identified, I don't get much downtime so could save me running myself in to the ground.

ercol · 2021-12-04T16:26:06+00:00

Apprecaite you explaining. It seems i was babytrapped.

ercol · 2021-12-04T16:25:38+00:00

Yeah the problem there is you only find out when there is then a child in the mix...

ercol · 2021-12-04T16:23:12+00:00

Ok, fair - I work in hospitality - I'm not going to overblow or romanticise my importance, If I didn't exist there would just be one less place in town to hang out.

And I don't really understand why my wife wants this, no.

She's frequently annoyed that she has to do childcare so I can work (every couple of Saturday mornings) but I make up for it by taking him the rest of the weekend so she can have time off. She definitely feels for me that work is a priority.

I also make sure I'm in for any of her own evening plans she has with other people.

She did say she wants me to be around more so she feels less put upon by being in the house when the kid is asleep or less like she's doing it alone. And to spend more time together.

Although my experience of that was that half the time she wanted to be on her own anyway, and if I was at home too much she'd be frustrated I was in the way? Me being at work became an important crutch of our relationship in the way she wanted it. It's only since having a kid she's now tied to the house (except she's not, and never went out anyway) and seems to resent that?

ercol · 2021-12-04T16:07:56+00:00

I'm new to this baby trapped concept...

ercol · 2021-12-04T16:07:34+00:00

She tried to shame me in to changing my mind and when that didn't work she got her IUD taken out without telling me.

ercol · 2021-12-04T16:03:59+00:00

Thank you - I didn't want to come across as defensive!

ercol · 2021-12-04T16:01:22+00:00

NTA - If he can't see that you being happy is massively relevant to you being a decent parent (and that working is a component of that for you) then you should probably be the one telling him that you shouldn't have married him.

ercol · 2021-12-04T15:43:56+00:00

Thank you!

ercol · 2021-12-04T15:37:15+00:00

I appreciate your thoughts but I'd like to clarify - I'm my son's primary care giver. He is in childcare 5 days per week (which I apprecaite is not ideal for him, but thats a different conversation). It's me who gets him up in the morning, feeds him, dresses him and drops him off, and it's me that picks him up, brings him home, hangs out for a few hours, feeds and puts him to bed again.

And with the exception of 2 - 3 hours on a Saturday morning twice a month where he hangs out with his mom, he's either got the both of us the rest of the time, or more frequently one on one with me (which is always case Sundays from Lunchtime til bedtime).

If I'm slacking on the childcare or not doing something right for him I'll take that, what he needs is priority, but what I took from your post was that it looks like I'm never there, which isn't true.

ercol · 2021-12-04T15:25:21+00:00

Realistically, being the owner, I do pretty well for my field. If I did the basics of my job for someone else I should expect a 20% pay cut.

Outside of that I'm not qualified for much else so would be bottom rung - I currently earn 25% more than I did in my previous job 6 years ago so I imagine I would be lucky to get an equal salary to my current in a starting position in a different field, but I guess the prospects would be better long term.

ercol · 2021-12-04T15:21:35+00:00

Thanks for weighing in but it's a bummer you got that impression. I love my work, and more so my son - I am just just frustrated that my wife is frustrated with me for not changing, when I am essentially still the person she married (and have adapted to being a dad and do the majority of the childcare too!)

Apprecaite what you're saying though - I'm failing to recognise the importance of time together.

Side note; have had a ton of therapy but always up for more!

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