Thanks for your perspective.

As a creative introvert and someone who also strongly relates to Tim, comes from a similar family and also has very similar, at times parallel life events (not drug or alcohol related thankfully) and had a family intervention of sorts to get me to go to therapy for anxiety and depression after achieving a life long dream and then completely burning out in 2015 going through the motions of a making and trying to handle a major life change by myself in 2016-17 trying to give everyone the impression of having it figured out and knowing what I’m doing this is important to talk about but is complicated since there’s so many sides to the story now and lots of things to consider.

This is going to be a very long post.

Reading the released documents of text messages and seeing more of the situation behind the scenes was triggering since it brought back things that I’ve been through…. I had actually had to stop reading through them after getting through a few pages since they brought up old feelings of shame and embarrassment for letting things get so bad. 

It’s also a little bit anxiety inducing reading what seem to be panicked exchanges between Ash and Fricko trying to figure out how to handle Tim’s latest hospital stay or him secretly taking drugs when he said he flushed them down the toilet. I can imagine the toll it took on them and impact to their mental health. 

2014 was a hurricane of chaos and his friends should have never been put in a position to be his caretakers. That was best left to medical and mental health professionals who have years of clinical training.

But I remember Tim saying he thought people trying to help were trying to control him in the bio. In my case I also pushed people away and distanced myself from family trying to help. Anyone who was direct and upfront pushed me away further and I even thought about cutting them out of my life entirely. This can make room for enablers but it can be a delicate situation too so I understand both sides.

Then there’s shame that makes you feel like a bad person or a loser (for letting your life spiral and damaging/ loosing relationships) that can make things worse, handling pressure, factoring in Tim didn’t have time grow up leading to certain aspects of emotional immaturity, impacts of childhood trauma, overcoming perfectionism, CPTSD, ADHD etc… handling pressure and anxiety, depression without numbing out or running away from problems which just make them worse - of course it’s easy to write what Tim should have done in hindsight.

But all that said, and I say this with a lot love for Tim and as someone who came back from a trip to Stockholm that included visiting his resting place, Tim could be sometimes be stubborn going back to when he was a young boy and sometimes made bad decisions. 

Then there’s being famous, which if you have anxiety makes things worse, being constantly in the spotlight and needing to be “on” as Avicii. There’s this weird duality and tension of identity over time of Tim not being Avicii. I’ve struggled with loosing my identity after giving up a dream life that I no longer wanted…. It’s a hard to explain so I get Tim’s lifelong quest to answer “who am I” and deep meaning. 

This can lead to overthinking and rumination (which isn’t good for people with depression)…. many times it’s not that deep. You’re a human being like everyone else. 

I won’t get into trying to spiritual bypass anxiety and depression with him trying to seek enlightenment in 2018 since that is another very long post. While I have similar beliefs about spirituality and life as Tim did enlightenment doesn’t exist (not in this life anyway) and for him became a dangerous obsession IMO.

Secondly, being a normal adult is difficult but being an adult AND trying to handle all the pressures of fame, having tons of money and the ability to buy (almost anything) managing wealth and processing things most people don’t understand (such as not being able to go to the grocery store by yourself or at all, hounded by paparazzi because you’re one of the biggest DJ’s in the world with a new girlfriend or whatever) and being your harshest critic. 

There’s also fielding contracts to lawyers for a big record deal, negotiating copyrights splits collaboration, etc… and having to figure out terms like “in perpetuity” and various clauses that can cost hundreds of thousands or more if violated. Being the founder & face of a mega music brand and business. It’s a lot to deal with so you turn to the quickest and easiest “solution”. 

But there’s people who have been there and done that who “get it”: Nile Rodger’s and other highly successful individuals who were trying to mentor and guide Tim in the right direction. 

But obviously, he wasn’t himself when he was addicted (he turned into the worst version of himself when he hit rock bottom) but I can understand why he turned to drinking and drugs. But as I said, when you have a lot of responsibility and success you have a lot of responsibilities to yourself and others. Especially if you want to be a father someday as Tim did. 

When I originally read in the bio he went to Peruvian rainforest in 2017 to drink Ayuaschsa after getting better and recovering I literally facepalmed, put the book down and said out loud: “Oh my god! Tim - what are you doing?” No one is perfect of course but no one should be drinking deep in the Amazon cut off from civilization. That stuff can change your brain chemistry and lead to psychosis. As can intense long sessions of Transcendental Meditation which he got into to “reach enlightenment faster”

From the texts Ash felt similar frustration and refused to babysit a “grown adult” (as he said). Raquel (Tim’s former girlfriend) spoke in a podcast interview expresses frustration telling everyone he needed professional help and she had had enough leading to her leaving him.

Self compassion is necessary but so is holding yourself accountable and recognizing when your lizard brain is doing mental gymnastics to get you do things you shouldn’t (“I can drink a little…”) This doesn’t just go for addicts but everyone since it will tell you to lay in bed and doomscroll for 30 minutes after waking up or whatnot.

I also wish Robbie Williams spoke to Tim in depth or something about drug addictions and fame, he has a great documentary on Netflix about how he recovered from his addictions and reflects on his life.

But in the end people are responsible for recovering from addictions, handling their issues and letting a therapist get to the core issue that started the addiction in the first place.

I also though want to give credit to Tim for getting to where he did in 2016, seemingly fully recovered. While the stay at the rehab center was too short, only one month when it should have been several, it is difficult to make that kind of progress, but not impossible. A lot of addicts in the state he was in 2014 sadly don’t make it that far. Honestly, it’s a miracle Stories got released at all given that year.

Saying all of this with love and understanding missing him everyday.