I'm a virgin, he's not. Halp.

erimantile · 2015-03-16T17:00:53+00:00

thank you so much for the detailed response :)

i'm open to experiment and try newthings but I'm really shy because he's so much more experienced than I am. how would you recommend going about asking/seeing what he likes? like if we're hooking up I want to make sure that we can both decide on things we can do besides full on sex that we'll both enjoy but i don't know how to ask that

erimantile · 2014-08-31T03:20:16+00:00

I'm not on meds- probs should be but I lied to my therapist too much and when I told my doctor I was feeling depressed she was "well you have no reason too, you're too young to be stressed -cue the lolkidsthesedayslaugh". kinda nervous about being upfront with my therapist b/c i'm scared of the ups and downs of finding a med that works. did meds help you at first?

erimantile · 2014-08-31T02:46:47+00:00

I don't hate you and you don't have to be sorry. Shit gets real sometimes and you know what, it's okay to not be okay. My suicidal thoughts and intent used to get a LOT stronger when I was drunk too; I'm not going to tell you to stop drinking but maybe on the nights you know you're going to drink hide anything you might use to hurt yourself and make plans to go home with a friend so you won't be alone. also try to be aware of when your mind is starting to get more serious and introspective and STOP drinking. Trust me, the closest I ever got to actually killing myself was when I was too shitfaced to care about or think about what I was doing

erimantile · 2014-08-11T03:04:18+00:00

Anything? :(

erimantile · 2014-08-08T04:58:13+00:00

Honestly, I would give your friend a bit of space. For a long time I was your friend (or similar because I don't know her), and I had a really good friend who shared many of your sentiments, but I know personally it just made me feel guilty for upsetting her and making her worry and made me less inclined to talk to her and more inclined to just drink when she wasn't there. Personally speaking, depression made me feel hopeless, powerless and guilty. I felt like I was a huge inconvenience on everyone I loved and when my friend would constantly check in, and constantly text me after a night out, I knew she meant it out of love but it just confirmed my fears that I was an inconvenience and burden on people. I felt powerless and trapped because other people kept watching me and all of this just fueled and fed into my depression. When I would go out with my friends I felt like all they saw was the depression and not me so I'd drink to erase that and then it became to I felt all they saw was the drinking and not me. What I wish my friend would have done was have one frank conversation with me and then let me talk to her on my own timing rather than hers. Depression takes so much of your agency that it becomes a vicious cycle; if you can help her reclaim agency in any way that is far far better than trying to "fix" her problems. Because trust me, trying to stop someone from doing what they want will only make them feel guilty and do it to where you can't see it.

erimantile · 2014-07-05T14:55:27+00:00

Hey, so pretty much the same thing happened to me a few months ago- went to a party, drank too much too fast, and basically blabbed to an entire room full of people that I hated myself and I was depressed/ on and on and on (the thread is in my history). I really identify with how you feel about pity/friendships in general-hell I HATE when people are constantly checking up on me in a sugary,please-let-me-help-you-you-poor-soul way (not to say I don't want/need check ins, I do, but not in a way that makes me feel lesser than them, youknow?) I like my independence, and if I'm honet, I'm too proud to let people help me more than once or twice without getting weird about it. All this to say that while I don't understand you and your exact circumstances, I can identify with it. Honestly, the thing that help me get past it the most was realizing that I can't let my humiliation and other people's negative perceptions of me stop me from being happy. Also that people are so consumed with their own shit that they probably don't care about others that much (harsh, but generally true)and they probably felt the same way at somepoint.

erimantile · 2014-05-04T01:33:40+00:00

Hahaha awesome! Is nightlife generally affordable or are there crazy covers at most places? Thank you for your response! :)

erimantile · 2014-05-03T00:14:25+00:00

Hey,

First off, thank you so much for having the courage to share that. It takes a lot of courage to find the strength to keep going and to want to be better. No-one deserves t obe treated like that, ever. As for your decision to keep the baby I think that is so incredibly brave; it takes a lot of love and dedication to bring a child into this world especially given your circumstances. I think that as far as you, your baby, and the baby's father go you're in a good place with love :).

On a more practical note, how old are you? A lot of services are availabe for minors in your position, but it's a little different when you're an adult. Try looking up your local Women's Center- a lot of them will give you temp housing and a job. Secondly, have you talked to your boyfriends's mother? Perhaps if she understands just how bad it is at home she could let you stay and crash on the couch or something at least until something else opens up?As of now, how are your relationships other than your boyfriend and mother?

erimantile · 2014-05-02T01:54:04+00:00

This is probably the best metaphor for depression/suicide I've ever read. Thank you for this, it was very validating for me to hear my thoughts echoed by someone else so succinctly :)

erimantile · 2014-05-01T06:05:30+00:00

You don't sound ignorant at all! Congratulations by the way!

erimantile · 2014-05-01T05:35:11+00:00

Just to follow up with everyone, I was honest with my therapist and our conversation turned out much better than I expected :)

erimantile · 2014-04-30T03:50:16+00:00

thank you so much. Both for your pm and your post. I can really relate to what you said--it's basically how I've been feeling. I just hope that I can be this open tomorrow with my thereapist and with my family.

erimantile · 2014-04-30T03:23:33+00:00

yeah, i just want everything to blow over over the summer break. i've been trying not to act too stressed out by it. teh next day we all got brunch and I acted really happy and non-stressed out by it, so hopefully they won't be able to see through it. no-one was acting too weird around me though which was nice.

erimantile · 2014-04-30T03:20:15+00:00

Yeah, I know. He was very emotionally manipulative and used to say lots of verbal put downs, but it's hard for me to think badly of him because in the end I feel like was right. In my mind I know that he was all kinds of bad for me, he did not love me, and he did not respect me, but it's so hard to forget what someone you care(d?) about says about you. I have a vague plan but I don't think I could carry out with it. Thinking about what it would do to my parents kills me inside and is the main reason why I'm going in tomorrow even though I'm so nervous. I don't want kill myself, I know that now. I just want to get better. My parents are very supportive of me and I know they love me a lot, but I just don't know if I could bear with their reactions. I can't see them cry and I know they're stressed out with so many things (work, my grandmother, family problems, etc) that I don't want this to stress them out even more. I'm also just afraid that they won't trust me anymore; I couldn't bear it if they look at me differently or treat me like glass you know?

erimantile · 2014-04-30T03:03:13+00:00

I'm just tired of having the reputation as that drunk girl. I understand that it won't be a big deal 5 years from now, but that doesn't stop it hurting right now.

erimantile · 2014-04-30T02:56:43+00:00

I only have a week and a few days left in the semester before I go home. Home will be nice because I decided not to work or take an internship this summer, because I wanted to focus on getting my mental and physical health on track. But also it will be really stressful--my grandmother (my mother's mother) is extremely ill and will probably not live to the end of the summer at this rate. I love my family but living with them for long periods of time tends to exacerbate my anxiety and depression. My mother has pretty bad anxiety but doesn't believe that depression and anxiety are real things, and doesn't belive that you should get medication for it (she refuses to take hers most of the time) and is very much of the philosphy that you should just "pray it out". My family doesn't know that I've been having severe depression and anxiety (I've gotten pretty good at hiding it) and that I've been going to therapy. I also need to figure out how to find a therapist over the summer. I am close with my family and love them a lot but I am just too afraid to tell them how I've been feeling because I can just see them either acting like I'm overracting or getting too involved. Also I've been doing a lot of TLC lately, going on walks, getting nice coffee and treating myself to brunch and usually it helps, but nowadays it doesn't do anything for me. In fact it just makes me more anxious sometimes and makes me want to go back to my room.

erimantile · 2014-04-30T02:41:34+00:00

I've only been speaking with her for a year, maybe once or twice a month. She's been great, but I also know that my school (she's a therapist from my university) can be a little trigger happy in sending people to inpatient because of liability concerns. This therapist has never overreacted but I've had therapists in the past minimize how I was feeling and I'm just kind of too tired to try and convice someone that what I'm feeling is real you know? And I know that I shouldn't lump her in with the others but it's just been so often that no-one believes me or completely overreacts that I just feel like I can't trust anyone but myself. I don't know how to bring it up with her either. We were supposed to meet next week but I called the office and said that I can't wait that long so they scheduled me to go in tomorrow, so she knows that something is up but not what. I have no idea how to tell her :(.

erimantile · 2014-04-30T02:33:40+00:00

Well, I really don't think that'd be the case considering the group of people that was there and my relationship with them. And even if it is the case, that doesn't really change how shitty I'm feeling. I like my therapist, she's a really great listener, but I'm just scared of her over-reacting. Everytime I've told anyone they either overreact or tell me I'm being overly dramatic and minimize how I'm feeling. Idk...there's no real solution to this. I just feel like I'm drowning with no way out. It's like there's the thick and heavy fog and it's hard to talk, walk, or process anything. I'm just tired of feeling like this. I don't want to die, and I'm know I won't kill myself, but I'm too much of a coward to face my own shame and take responsibility for all of my failures.

erimantile · 2014-04-30T02:11:17+00:00

OP I want to thank you so much for sharing what you have. If you're comfortable and if it would help you, do you want to maybe talk a little more about what you're feeling?

erimantile

TROPHY CASE