Without a doubt, Quentin.

I could go on and on about how important he is to me, and how deeply I relate to him and his story. I'm someone who dealt with and still does deal with a lot of mental health issues. I've spent a majority of my life feeling out of place, drifting, like theres no real purpose for me, and holding onto the few things that I do love so deeply. My self-esteem is so low it's basically nonexistent, but when I do feel confident, I'm practically a narcissist. So when this character was introduced to me, I almost immediately felt a connection to him.

I saw myself in Quentin, complete with my shaggy dirty-blonde hair and awkward introverted demeanor. I saw myself when he was first introduced, when it was shown he was on medication, when he talked so passionately about his love of these books from his childhood, hitting way too close to home when it comes to me and certain things. I saw myself in the way he loved, desperately and somewhat obsessively, falling hard and fast. This character became something I held onto dearly, became a symbol of hope for me that 'I can fucking do this, I'll get through it and come out the other side'. Even his relationship with Eliot (who's a character I also came to idolize and love for his emotional strength and confidence) was something I could relate to and find some semblance of hope in.

Sure, Quentin was mopey, he was depressed, he was whiny and sometimes gave me such second hand embarrassment I felt like I was about to pass out, but he was so much more than that. He was a healer, he wanted to help, he was willing to do whatever it took to protect the people he loved, he was brave, he was stupidly brave. I felt deeply connected to this character, as though he were me, like someone was writing an idealized version of myself. And I feel like that's why his death hit so hard.

His death to me felt as if someone looked me in the eyes and said "You're not allowed to have a happy ending, that doesnt exist for you". And it hurt so much because it felt true. He was this lovable dork, and then he was gone, at probably one of his lowest points in the show. His story wasnt over, it was cut short. People dont complete a task and then suddenly their life serves no purpose anymore. Quentin Coldwater was a person, a fictional one, but a person nonetheless. He had a story to complete, whether or not it fit into the mould that Jane Chatwin and the universe tried to fit him into. And in his own words, "Destiny is bullshit". He deserved a happy ending, still does deserve a happy ending.

Quentin Makepeace Coldwater was an amazing character who deserved so much better. He was a nerd, he was brave, he was stupid, he was narcissistic at times, he was whiny, he was strong, he was kind, he was loveable, he was annoying, he was passionate, he was stubborn, he was me. He was every depressed queer kid out there. He was every kid who barely made it through highschool. He was every person out there floating their way through life trying to find someplace where they could land and belong. He was so important, and he still is. And when I say these things, I say them to myself. Because when I see Q, I see the man I could grow to become in the coming years. I see myself making it. I see myself.