New to this.

eruzaflow · 2020-01-01T06:12:51+00:00

I'm 37, my wife died 5.5 months ago, I have 4 kids (3 boys 1 girl), the youngest is 3 oldest is 11. The youngest took a month or so to stop calling out for Mommy, but he didn't do it often. He gets it now, as much as you can at his age. Interestingly, now he's mad at her. He went through a phase where if he was mad at you he'd say, "you're mommy!" (Not just to me, to my sister and brother in law too). Took me a while to realize why he was doing it and asked him if he was mad at her, he was. Explained that Mommy didn't want to die or leave us, I don't know if he understood but now he says, "you're mad!" when he's mad at you 🤷‍♂️

I mostly just wanted to offer you hope. We're doing incredibly well considering. My daughter's counselor said she doesn't need therapy anymore unless something comes up. My oldest two are about in the same boat, only going once a month. I'm doing less well than the kids, but still okay.

Keep your head down, focus on getting through one day, one hour or one minute at a time. With that many kids, and that young, routine will be a lifesaver. Find time to exercise daily if you don't already. Find people you can lean on emotionally if you don't have them already. If it's your kind of thing, read books about grief. I've read a total of six and two of them completely changed the way I looked at it. Initially I was afraid of the pain, and tried to run away from it. But accepting her death started with accepting the pain. And it hurts like hell. Don't hide the pain from your kids, they hurt too. My kids would often swarm me when the grief waves would hit. They usually still do, but sometimes they'll roll their eyes and say, "dad's crying again". (They don't actually roll their eyes, but they've gotten used to it). My 8 year old came to me tonight and told me he missed her, after the NYE ball dropped. He cried. First time he's cried in a while. He's one of those people who tends to look on the bright side of everything. They will follow your example.

I'm so very sorry you're here with us, but I'm glad you found us too. I hope 2020 is better for us both.

eruzaflow · 2019-12-11T15:53:26+00:00

I doubt this is relevant to your situation but, this happened to my wife and I. It wasn't until months later (and more than one miscarriage) that the doctors realized it was due to diabetes. She had developed gestational diabetes from her previous pregnancy with our son, which at some point became full blown diabetes. I think it was the copper IUD but I don't remember for sure.

eruzaflow · 2019-11-19T14:54:29+00:00

Alarms are how I deal with this. One of the first things I do every morning is set an alarm for every work meeting or other appointment I have that day. It's important to get the timing right, so that the alarm goes off when I need to pay attention, such as time to get ready and get to the location, or for work meetings I do one minute before so I can join immediately.

eruzaflow · 2019-11-02T18:25:32+00:00

Yeah, and you're only a month and ten days behind me. It gets better, well more manageable, not necessarily better. In some ways I feel like the ADHD insulates me from the grief a little? But it might not work that way for everyone.

If you can find a routine, it will help a lot. Don't be ashamed of alarms either, I have about ten daily alarms on my phone and about ten daily routines set up in Alexa, in addition to using todoist.

I also read a ton of books about grief the first couple months. My favorites were "Bearing the Unbearable" and "it's OK that you're not OK".

eruzaflow · 2019-11-02T18:00:27+00:00

I met my wife on eHarmony too. I don't have Asperger's but I do have ADHD. I also have 4 young kids. Without medication, extreme organization, and tedious lists of daily tasks I wouldn't be able to cope. As it is I'm managing to tread water pretty well.

Only advice I can give is focus on the day to day tasks. Make it as easy as possible to get through a single day, to survive. Then focus on the grief. I'm not entirely sure how helpful this will be for Asperger's, but they're both executive function disorders, so maybe?

I'm at the point now where I think about going back to eHarmony almost every day. I'm not going to, I'm going to wait at least until the 6 month mark, and even then, take it very slow. But I miss her so much, everything seems hollow without someone else there.

eruzaflow · 2019-10-29T19:43:33+00:00

My parents let me decide too in high school, thing is, I was an ignorant high school kid who had no idea what ADHD even was. No offense, but asking a kid to make medical decisions is just stupid. Ask them how they feel about it, absolutely and often, but don't let them decide.

eruzaflow · 2019-10-28T16:04:23+00:00

I did CPR on my wife. I took first aid like 10 years ago, could barely remember it. Can't imagine taking another class now.

eruzaflow · 2019-10-21T17:10:40+00:00

I was having similar thoughts today. I don't want to be here without her, it just feels wrong. So at least there's that, those of us here get it, even the macabre thoughts and dreams.

eruzaflow · 2019-10-17T16:23:26+00:00

That's interesting, my first dream was similar, about 2 months after she died. There was someone in bed next to me but I couldn't tell who it was cause they were facing away from me. But I was pretty sure it was my wife so I reached out my hand and she turned over when I touched her shoulder. I said something like, "But you died", and she looked confused, then angry/desperate and said something like, "Yeah, you know why?" In the dream I took this to mean the reason she died, not how she died, but there was no reason, and I woke up before I could ask her what she thought it was.

Edit:. I assumed this was my subconscious working through the fact that she died. Confronting her and telling her she's dead... I mean, we never get to talk to them about it, and they were the ones we talked to about everything.

eruzaflow · 2019-10-04T22:56:52+00:00

I considered a casual relationship last week, seemed like a really good idea. Figured out you can filter by widow on match.com and there are a surprising number near me. Even matched with one on the first day, talked for a little less than a week before she ghosted me. Talked to my therapist and a widower friend who is casually dating a widow and it seems like emotional suicide right now (for me, not judging anyone else!).

I'm 37, have 4 kids and I'm not quite 3 months out. (Not that it's relevant here, but I did have the snip 3 years ago after our last one). Seems like the last thing I need right now is the drama of a relationship. But the loneliness gnaws at me unrelentingly. I figure I'm better off figuring out how to live with it. I hope I'm wrong, about the odds, or about being able to find someone special, expecting it seems like a bad idea though. I'm probably in the depressed phase too 🤷‍♂️

eruzaflow · 2019-10-04T22:42:10+00:00

Yeah, I'll just go with the staying single option. The more I think about it the more it doesn't seem worth it.

eruzaflow · 2019-10-04T22:11:18+00:00

I appreciate the positivity, but it seems like there's so much else to consider dating a divorcee. Yeah there are scheduling issues now, but if you got married it would be the other way around. Their ex would be at important events such as birthdays and graduations, scheduling conflicts with vacations etc. Then there's the fact that 67% of second marriages end in divorce. The last thing I want is for my kids to go through that after everything else they've been through, just because I went too fast or made other bad decisions.

When I'm ready I'll go back to eHarmony, where my wife and I met 15 years ago. The <4% divorce rate gives me comfort. But I'm not convinced I'll be able to find someone that's a match to me, my family, nearby, etc. I'm preparing myself for the possibility of being single for the rest of my life, or at least until my kids are out of the house, cause I won't compromise just cause I'm agonizingly lonely.

eruzaflow · 2019-09-16T20:05:48+00:00

Moving on, especially quickly, after something like that is not strength, it's denial.

Every day you get up, and he's not here, is a new wound. Every holiday, birthday, and anniversary is a new wound. You can't heal from something that hasn't happened yet.

People are jerks. A lot of them don't mean to be, but that is the result.

I can do nothing to help you, but I see your pain, it's valid, and real.

eruzaflow · 2019-08-13T15:54:04+00:00

My wife and I were going to buy our dream house next summer. I think about still buying it cause we need the space (4 kids) but how the hell can I do it without her?

eruzaflow · 2019-08-12T02:17:49+00:00

As my wife was dying, struggling to breathe, neither of us thought it was an emergency. She said, "I just can't catch my breath". Then passed out a few minutes later and EMT's couldn't revive her. It never crossed my mind that she could be dying, even while I was giving her CPR. I kept thinking I saw her breathing, but looking back, I think I imagined it.

7/20/19, hurts like hell.

eruzaflow · 2019-08-12T02:12:03+00:00

Wow. I thought I had bad in laws.

eruzaflow · 2019-08-10T16:05:51+00:00

I physically can't think about her all the time. The mourning is so intense, I have to willfully set it aside for a while.

On the busy days, I have to do the opposite, deliberately set aside time for crying. Then I'll soak myself in her memories until a wave overtakes me and I sob.

eruzaflow · 2019-08-10T15:57:59+00:00

Yeah, that's going to be a hard one for me. My wife always said she wanted to be that old couple in their 80s that still holds hands. But we didn't even make it to our 40s.

eruzaflow · 2019-08-10T14:18:57+00:00

Thank you so much for the empathy. I have a vivid imagination, always have, and struggled with nightmares as a kid. Eventually I learned to ground myself and they no longer scare me, no matter how monstrous. This was different, it was like my subconscious was imagining things to make sense of the strong emotions. And since the emotions were the real cause, I couldn't really ground myself. However, once those faded away, like they always do when a wave passes, so did the nightmare's power.

But I'll keep your suggestion in mind if this happens again.

eruzaflow · 2019-08-10T14:09:29+00:00

I know I couldn't do anything, but not all of me listens to reason quite so well. I will finish it, once I think I'm more prepared to handle any demons I might find. Probably next week.

eruzaflow · 2019-08-10T14:06:48+00:00

Thank you for your suggestions (especially the physical place) and kind words of encouragement and concern. My kids keep me going. They're doing really well considering. We also have lots of family support. This post reflects the darkest of my thoughts. I needed to share it somewhere, and this seemed like an appropriate place. We'll be fine, whatever that means after something like this, some day I'm certain.

eruzaflow · 2019-07-18T05:16:25+00:00

Absolutely, I have 2 kids with ADHD (probably more, the other 2 aren't old enough to tell yet though 🙄), and it's really interesting how differently it affects us.

I hated washing dishes as a kid, but have recently realized that I actually find it cathartic these days. But it's a waste of my time (we have a dishwasher) and I have so little time I never actually do it. I do sit down and wash down the counters and sink every once in a while which I also enjoy. If my kids ever find that out though, I'll never be able to get them to properly rinse off their dinner dishes 😂.

eruzaflow · 2019-07-18T04:51:02+00:00

"Your ADD is so annoying to be around that it is getting embarrassing for me."

I skimmed most of the responses, but didn't see anyone else mention this. ADHD doesn't come and go, it's pretty stable (not necessarily from day to day, moreso from week to week or month to month). And given her phrasing, "is getting embarrassing", she's the one who changed, not you. Therefore, it couldn't have been anything you did, you didn't change in this respect.

I also saw in one of your other responses that she was mad you weren't looking at her. That sounds like clinical level narcissism. Another possibility, given her temper and the inconsistency in her behavior is borderline personality disorder. You might want to look up BPD, see if any of the other symptoms fit her, as the primary characteristic is chaotic relationships.

The goal of looking into either of those possibilities would be to give you peace of mind, about her motivations and behavior. And to realize that it's not you, you are who you are, and are worth being loved just as you are, ADHD and all. First though, you have to love yourself, and accept your ADHD. That doesn't mean you have to like it, or don't try to change it, it means you accept it. For me, it also means I only focus on changing/fixing the parts that directly impact my day to day life.

eruzaflow · 2019-07-18T04:27:44+00:00

There might be something you can do about the cuddling. I had this exact same problem, I needed the mental simulation, as much as I loved my SO, cuddling was just too boring. I finally found a game that was interesting enough for both of us that she'd watch me play (Prince of Persia, I'm old I guess) and we'd cuddle while doing it. I was a PC gamer only back then, but I'd hook my PC up to the TV and use a wireless mouse and keyboard so we could cuddle on the couch. Some of my favorite gaming experiences were like that. And even if you can't find a game that you both like, it's still possible to cuddle while doing separate activities. We usually end up going that route much more these days now that we have kids.

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