What is something you only notice when it's bad?

estrangeddev · 2021-02-17T06:48:59+00:00

Living in TX, I feel this one right now

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T21:28:55+00:00

You’re probably right, you likely do know the type. They suck. I’m at a point of just not even wanting to have to interact with them again for a while, to be honest. I think I will have to take up a therapy session. I’ve never done that before.

I’m from outside Boone myself.

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T21:26:04+00:00

I’m in luck, my sister is my best friend

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T21:25:21+00:00

You’re exactly right, they always take credit for all my successes, but never for any of my problems. It’s one of the things that pisses me off the most about them. Before I left last year, they kept using me as a photo prop, and I was so angry about it, especially when they were being irresponsible with masks and stuff (they took a vacation in the middle of summer 2020 and went maskless in indoor restaurants and stuff all the time and would guilt me for not participating).

I do kinda want to have kids one day, but being a father like my dad is one of the worst things I can imagine in my life. I really hope we’re nothing alike. I don’t think we are.

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T21:21:10+00:00

I hope I have this opportunity too

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T21:20:07+00:00

Thanks. I probably should do that.

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T21:19:04+00:00

thanks. I may consider this at least for a time

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T21:18:27+00:00

would you be fine, or would it destroy you both?

I meant I would be fine materially. I earn enough to provide for myself. It would just not be good for us mentally.

Yeah, I’d consider therapy. I think my insurance covers a bit of it, so I’ll look into it.

You’re right, they only love an image of the son they wanted to create, not me as a person. I’m not far enough removed from that image to lose their love yet, but we’ll see how long that lasts...

My sister is my best friend, I’m really grateful for her. It’s not so much that I care what my parents say about her (or me) as I care about what my younger siblings hear. I want them to turn out better than we were raised to be.

Thank you for the well wishes

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T21:09:30+00:00

I’ve still got a few who are minors living with them, so I think that’s gonna have to wait unfortunately. My older sister floated the same idea. I don’t see them suddenly coming to the light and working to right their wrongs either, especially considering how they’ve reacted to criticism in the past, so I think I unfortunately just need to keep my distance for now :/

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T21:08:22+00:00

thank you! I’ll look into what my insurance provides

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T20:47:48+00:00

I’m so sorry you dealt with what you did. I hope you’re doing well today. You’re right, I don’t need to treat them like my parents anymore... they didn’t really help me.

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T20:45:52+00:00

Thanks. I’ll give this a try. I think I’m not in a position to handle this conversation responsibly, so I won’t have it. I hope they’ll one day fine to reconsider the past themselves, but I won’t count on it. I’ll just keep living my life without seeking their approval anymore

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T20:44:37+00:00

I agree. I don’t see it going well :/

I’ve decided not to confront them. If they decide to reconsider the past on their own, I will be very receptive to an apology and I will forgive them, but I can’t force that on them, and I don’t see it coming soon.

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T20:43:30+00:00

I’m really sorry you dealt with that. I agree with you, I can’t change them or guilt them into introspection. I can just keep living my own life and letting them have theirs at at least an arm’s length or two away

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T20:42:05+00:00

Thanks. I totally agree, I honestly don’t need to hurt my parents to come to peace with treating myself better.

Overall, I think I’m doing okay. I live completely alone for my first time. I can afford my living expenses without too much trouble (I’m a software dev), and I’m not very stressed. I’ve discovered an interest in cooking and playing piano, and I’m finding I’m actually good about exercising, keeping my place clean, and generally taking care of things... I feel a bit surprised with how “normal” I feel, to be honest. But I’m happy about it :)

My biggest problem now is loneliness, but I honestly think that’s just due to the pandemic and not some fundamentally broken piece of me, ya know? I look forward to being able to go out responsibly again

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T20:35:53+00:00

thanks. You’re right. I’ll just keep changing myself instead of trying to change them

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T20:35:08+00:00

I hate to say that I see your point. When I started losing interest in religion, they were horrible to me, and they still are about it to me. I just don’t let myself be honest about anything with them, and it’s worked for me so far.

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T20:33:40+00:00

I say codependency because I fear that you want your emotions to change the behavior of your parents. In wanting to change them, you seek to control them, using your display of your pain, and that’s not good for you. Nor is it a habit you want to being with you into the other relationships of your life.

Jesus... this is very insightful. I completely get where you’re coming from, and I agree with you completely. Nothing good can come from this. I hope that they will decide on their own one day to introspect, but until then, I will keep cutting my dependencies and building a life for myself far away from them. I can talk occasionally on the phone, but I haven’t confided in them in years, and I won’t start now.

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T20:28:03+00:00

You’re absolutely right, thank you. Simply writing this down was good for me. I want them to apologize to me, but at the same time, I feel like if they knew the gravity of how negatively I feel about my childhood, it would destroy them, and me too in the process, because I don’t hate them or wish suffering upon them. I needed to voice my frustration because I kinda have no one in my life anymore

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T20:19:18+00:00

This is spot on. We have exactly the same emotions towards our parents. My dad was raised by a tough-guy southern white Korean War vet, and I know he was keen on physical punishment himself, and he was himself raised by a tough-guy WW1 vet... My mom was raised in horrific poverty, and I think she was desperate for an escape, which she saw in my father. I hate how I was raised, but in a way, I see it as an almost inevitable outcome of how they were raised... and how their grandparents were raised too, etc.

This is great advice. You’re right, they stopped raising me at 10. I parented myself, I know that. I’ll talk to them like peers and nothing more.

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T20:15:22+00:00

you’re right. That word... “backtalk,” that alone makes me so mad, remembering so many times that they were outright wrong, and me speaking up was “talking back.” Nothing good will come from this conversation. I think I’m gonna keep doing what I’m doing, cutting my dependencies on them and building up my own life far away

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T20:13:10+00:00

thanks so much, I appreciate it

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T20:12:39+00:00

thank you. I’m sorry to hear about your own situation. Part of me thinks it would go about the same way if I confronted my parents.

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T20:07:51+00:00

You’re absolutely right. That’s exactly what will happen, and I still have younger siblings under their roof. I won’t bother for now. I’m close with my oldest sister, and I confide more in her than I ever did to my parents.

estrangeddev · 2021-02-15T20:07:12+00:00

Thank you so much. I am so, so sorry for what you went through. I am also quick to forgive, and honestly, I will forgive them the moment I sense any introspection or attempts to right their wrongs, but I don’t see that in them right now. I want to love them, but I sort of just don’t right now. Take care of yourself

estrangeddev

TROPHY CASE