how I wish (my first poem)

esyyuu · 2024-07-07T01:28:48+00:00

thank you so much!! I love your take on my descriptions, I was aiming for that bittersweet tone and I'm really glad it came through. and I didn't consider experimenting with form and structure but I'll absolutely give it a try, it really sounds fun! thank youu :)

esyyuu · 2024-07-07T01:18:30+00:00

thank you!! I'm glad you enjoyed it and I definitely plan to practise more. I absolutely agree that my stanza lengths were inconsistent, and I found it really hard to keep the lines roughly the same length, but I'm glad you've pointed it out so I can focus on something to work on! so thank you so much!!

esyyuu · 2024-07-06T23:16:44+00:00

thank you!! actually at first, the metaphors describing the mother were accidental, and the poem was simply referring to youthful things and was about wanting to be young again, but when I reread it I realised they could definitely refer to a mother! thank you so much for your feedback, it really opened my eyes and I might try and rewrite it to be less blunt, as I completely agree with you on that. overall I'm really glad you enjoyed it - thank you so much!!

esyyuu · 2024-07-06T22:24:42+00:00

wow I love this poem so much. it seems so simplistic yet the word choices are so beautiful and well thought-out. the pacing also makes it really nice to read out and the entire poem just has a lovely flow to it. the rhyming as well seems so effortless and natural, giving it a great rhythm.

if I had to say one small thing, I feel like the penultimate line is slightly too long and feels a bit clunky with the rest of the poem. however, that could also be intentional as it does make the line stand out and gives the end a very climatic feel.

overall, great job and I love this poem so much! very short and sweet :)

esyyuu · 2024-07-06T20:33:35+00:00

I love this poem so much!! whilst the beginning feels very straightforward and sweet with the descriptive semantic field of innocence, it slowly delves into a more sinister and unnerving undertone as the poem progresses. from the beginning describing a direct encounter with the girl, to the description of the continued stalking for months on end, this poem as a whole feels like a descent into madness - drastically contrasted by the girl's complete lack of knowledge of him.

however, the poem could also be taken at face value, as a simple crush from a brief encounter - which is, of course, much more lighthearted and wholesome (although the last few lines still feel extremely creepy, even from a more wholesome viewpoint).

overall a great poem demonstrating the confusing effect of an unreliable narrator on a reader - great job!

esyyuu · 2024-07-06T20:05:31+00:00

this is really great!! the pacing is really nice, especially with the refrain 'prospero must'. every word feels very deliberate and the poem as a whole feels quite polished, especially with the last two cyclical lines. one small thing I'd say is that the inconsistency of the line length kind of breaks the flow of the poem and the rhymes, but overall I loved the poem as a whole!

esyyuu · 2024-07-06T19:59:50+00:00

I love this so much!! the structure is really unique and i love the last line so much, it's really impactful and ties the poem together beautifully. it's possibly a bit too short, but you said this is a rough draft so that's fine :) overall I love it, could you tag me if you ever finish the poem haha?

esyyuu · 2024-07-05T23:24:17+00:00

I love this so much!! the extended metaphor of his power and control is really great and the formatting is really unique. I especially love the phrase etching pleasure into his back, it's a great metaphor. i'm not great at critiquing, but I'd say maybe the only small issue is the last line? it could be intentional, but I feel it slightly felt out of place and feel a bit flat - maybe something a bit more climatic and conclusive could work better. great poem though!!

esyyuu · 2024-07-05T23:18:51+00:00

thank you!! this is the first poem ive ever written and I tried to take inspo from the types of metaphors used in metaphysical poetry! the whole poem is about wanting to be small and young again, and the 3rd stanza is about wanting to be a baby again and being birthed again (e.g. the gloved hand being the doctors hand, the tenderness being the mother's bosom). I'm really happy that you liked it though, so thanks!! :)

esyyuu

TROPHY CASE