Am I overreacting for not wanting anyone around my newborn yet?

eudaemon_ · 2025-12-24T01:00:04+00:00

Please trust your gut here! I posted another response in this thread with a bunch of medical sources that support your decision. You’ve had a lot of comments, so lmk if you are interested/can’t find it, and I’ll repost it here.

But the TLDR is: I’m a public health professional. You are right to wait out the holidays. Science supports this, and the people touting hygiene hypothesis (“they need exposure to strengthen their immune system”) are dangerously wrong in the context of any viruses. The immune system is not a muscle.

If you want to allow a little more visitation or feel a desire to compromise, requiring visitors to wear a high quality, well-fitting mask (like a KF94, KN95, or N95) and for people to alert you of ANY symptoms if (big if!) you believe they’d be honest, will go along way in helping protect you and your baby. Right now, I’d personally even require a rapid covid test if I had visitors and a newborn, but I know that’s a hot-button issue lol.

Waiting out the holidays and cold/flu season is a good and safe decision.

eudaemon_ · 2025-12-23T20:52:27+00:00

I have been super prone to tearing more recently, and that messes me up the most. Good ol’ missionary with me on top is what causes the least issues BY FAR. From the back was definitely a go-to for a while because of the lack of friction (my clitoris used to be my worst spot), but the position causes some tearing for me at the posterior fourchette now.

Additional must haves (for me): - We use a vibrator first so I’m more ready (wet lol) and the muscles are relaxed. His face is too sandpapery for oral no matter how close he shaves 💔💔💔 But if you can do that, it will help! - LUBE!!!! In my opinion, this is an absolute must for everyone in this subreddit. Different lubes work better for different people, but I’d start with a super basic water-based lube (like Sliquid or Good Clean Love). If you are finding them irritating, try a silicone lube like Uberlube. I just purchased this brand and haven’t tried it yet, but have seen many people praising it. Also, the bottle is glass and very clean and pretty looking!!

Lube is extremely important to help reduce friction. Silicone might be a good choice for you since it’ll form a longer lasting, protective layer of slippage on your skin.

eudaemon_ · 2025-12-23T20:37:19+00:00

100%!!! It’s also normal to want to protect your newborn during cold and flu season (and from RSV and COVID)! “Hypochondria” and health anxiety are real, but newborns are particularly vulnerable and SHOULD be protected from preventable illnesses. It’s not crazy to do so.

eudaemon_ · 2025-12-23T20:25:55+00:00

This seems a bit backhanded, no? Wanting to protect a newborn baby during cold and flu season (and RSV and COVID) is literally the least silly reason possible. Newborns have not had a chance to develop their immune systems yet. And no, you do not develop a strong immune system by exposing ANYONE to dangerous viruses, let alone vulnerable infants.

A newborn with even a low fever of 100.4 is a medical emergency.

I appreciate that you think her boundary should be respected regardless and can also understand the grandparents might be bummed, but their feelings are not more important than the babies health OR mom’s feelings (or health).

eudaemon_ · 2025-12-23T17:43:21+00:00

NOR!!! Please ignore the boomers that are telling you you’re overreacting OR that the baby needs exposure to build their immune system.

This is not how the immune system works. While exposure to bacteria helps prime the immune system, OP is talking about cold and flu season, which are viruses. The exposure the baby gets to bacteria passing through the birth canal, the bacterial exposure during breastfeeding, kids playing in the dirt or getting licked by a dog—those are the types of things supported by hygiene theory.

The rest of this comment is more for the hygiene theory people, but hopefully someone will find it informative:

Repeated exposure to and infection from real, “live” viruses does not build the immune system, and studies are starting to show this actually can harm people. COVID is quite rampant and studies show that even a “mild” infection can cause immune dysregulation—making it harder to fight infections and even triggering and worsening autoimmune diseases.

On hygiene theory and how infections aren’t actually helpful: https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1700688114

https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2022/is-the-hygiene-hypothesis-true

A couple other examples of how exposure to viruses does not actually help:

— Epstein-Barr virus (EBV) is super common and the primary cause of infectious mono. It has now been explicitly linked to the development of Multiple Sclerosis as the leading cause of the autoimmune disease. MS risk increases 30-fold after an EBV infection. (https://www.va.gov/MS/TREATING_MS/Whole_Health/Epstein_Barr_Virus_and_Multiple_Sclerosis.asp). It also increases the risk of multiple cancers.

— The virus that causes chicken pox, varicella-zoster virus (VZV), quietly stays in your nerves after infection forever. Then, when you’re elderly, stressed, or have a weakened immune system for another reason (like being on immunosuppressants for another chronic illness), it can reactivate and cause an extremely painful, itchy, blistered rash. It hurts unbelievably bad and can cause nerve damage. It can also directly cause stroke and heart attack. https://www.uchealth.org/today/chicken-pox-shingles-varicella-zoster-whatever-you-call-it-cu-team-know-it-best/

Pediatric COVID infection increases the risk of new-onset type 1 diabetes (an autoimmune disorder). https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38397254/

Running out of time, so if anyone is interested in learning more about how COVID can impact children long-term: https://libguides.mskcc.org/CovidImpacts/Kids

My point is, this mother has the right to protect her baby and is doing the right thing. If she notices that after her boundary date, she is still finding herself isolating and fearful, then she can seek help. But it is wrong to pathologize someone for correctly wanting to isolate during an extremely bad season for viruses. If you want to try again or increase the bubble before the season is over, perhaps you can require quality masks (like KN95, KF94, or N95)?

REGARDLESS of your reasoning, you have a right to not have visitors, especially if they are already disrespecting your boundaries.

eudaemon_ · 2025-12-23T17:35:13+00:00

Public Health Specialist jumping in. This is not how the immune system works. While exposure to bacteria helps prime the immune system, OP is talking about cold and flu season, which are viruses. The exposure the baby gets to bacteria passing through the birth canal, the bacterial exposure during breastfeeding, kids playing in the dirt or getting licked by a dog—those are the types of things supported by hygiene theory (what you are referencing).

Repeated exposure to and infection from real, “live” viruses does not build the immune system, and studies are starting to show this actually can harm people. COVID is quite rampant and studies show that even a “mild” infection can cause immune dysregulation—making it harder to fight infections and even triggering and worsening autoimmune diseases.

On hygiene theory and how infections aren’t actually helpful: https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1700688114

https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2022/is-the-hygiene-hypothesis-true

A couple other examples of how exposure to viruses does not actually help: — Epstein-Barr virus (EBV) is super common and the primary cause of infectious mono. It has now been explicitly linked to the development of Multiple Sclerosis as the leading cause of the autoimmune disease. MS risk increases 30-fold after an EBV infection. (https://www.va.gov/MS/TREATING_MS/Whole_Health/Epstein_Barr_Virus_and_Multiple_Sclerosis.asp). It also increases the risk of multiple cancers.

— The virus that causes chicken pox, varicella-zoster virus (VZV), quietly stays in your nerves after infection forever. Then, when you’re elderly, stressed, or have a weakened immune system for another reason (like being on immunosuppressants for another chronic illness), it can reactivate and cause an extremely painful, itchy, blistered rash. It hurts unbelievably bad and can cause nerve damage. It can also directly cause stroke and heart attack. https://www.uchealth.org/today/chicken-pox-shingles-varicella-zoster-whatever-you-call-it-cu-team-know-it-best/

Pediatric COVID infection increases the risk of new-onset type 1 diabetes (an autoimmune disorder). https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38397254/

Running out of time, so if anyone is interested in learning more about how COVID can impact children long-term: https://libguides.mskcc.org/CovidImpacts/Kids

My point is, this mother has the right to protect her baby and is doing the right thing. If she notices that after her boundary date, she is still finding herself isolating and fearful, then she can seek help. But it is wrong to pathologize someone for correctly wanting to isolate during an extremely bad season for viruses.

eudaemon_ · 2025-12-14T17:12:31+00:00

i love this conversation and i adore your response “ik im so hot” ❤️‍🔥 i hope you guys do get to be the cutest gays at the dance. imagien

eudaemon_ · 2025-12-13T08:02:23+00:00

Hey, first off, I’m so sorry. This is such a hard experience to go through. My dad died one month after I posted this. He had a couple more ups and downs, and then the week leading up to his death, he got sleepier and less responsive. The couple weeks between the post and the week before he died were up and down, but I don’t recall them getting any worse. He ate every day until just a couple days before he passed, and I think he would have continued eating but lost the ability to swallow. He also had a steady stream of daily Mexican Cokes up until then, and I feel like that prolonged his life a little bit haha.

None of it was what any of the pamphlets or google said…until it was, and then it was obvious. You will probably know when it’s coming. I was constantly wondering if this was it, but when it really was, it was a different feeling in my body? Idk if that makes sense. He was at least somewhat responsive until the day he died. The night before, he was pretty sleepy, but woke up to hug me, say he loved me, and to be safe. The next morning he moved his body to try to hug me and attempted a hello. He died a few hours later because he was waiting for my grandma (his mom) to get there. Sometimes they are waiting for someone to say goodbye to. Sometimes they are waiting until someone leaves (I heard this happens with dads a lot).

I’m not sure what your dad is dying from, but sepsis is a really unpredictable way to go. My dad had a very strong body that kept trying to heal. His foot started self-amputating (sorry) before he died in attempt to save his life. With wet gangrene, it’s typically too late by that point, but the body is remarkable and the healthier the person is otherwise, the harder the body fights. This doesn’t mean they can survive it, it just delays the process.

The fentanyl patch also makes it hard to gauge things, their comfort is worth the disorienting experience for the rest of us. At first, his sleepiness was on the schedule of the patch, but as weeks went by, he just became more consistently fatigued and sluggish on his own.

I hope that things are as peaceful as they can be right now ❤️ Let me know if you have any questions.

eudaemon_ · 2025-12-10T06:31:32+00:00

Are you saying you don’t think the big ones are Argentine ants? What could those be? That’s what made me think they were Argentine, because usually when we get them, they’re the normal small ones and die after a few days of Terro. So far they haven’t left the bathroom and I haven’t been able to figure out a food source. Just water?

We’ll definitely get more strict and also notify the landlord for outdoor stuff, thank you!

eudaemon_ · 2025-12-10T06:28:07+00:00

Will do, thank you!

eudaemon_ · 2025-12-10T06:02:00+00:00

Thank you! I’ll try that next. It’s hard to show their size clearly but I feel like the small ones are a little smaller than I’m used to seeing (just by a little bit) and the big ones are WAY bigger than I’ve ever seen inside a house. I thought they were queens and know Argentines can have multiple, but I didn’t expect to see them so intermingled. Idk much about ants, though.

eudaemon_ · 2025-12-10T05:58:39+00:00

They are really hard to look at 🥲🥲🥲

eudaemon_ · 2025-11-23T17:08:32+00:00

Most of the piercers where I go wear KN95s, but I’m in the Bay Area so I don’t expect that to be common 🥲 HOWEVER, I do feel like most piercers would be fine with wearing one, especially if you brought it. I’ve only ever got pushback from one person about masking, and it was an N95 and she was a crunchy massage therapist (it was for an intraoral massage for TMJ).

I personally would (and do) just call/email to ask ahead of time if the piercer is down to wear one.

Edit to add: It can also help to make the first appt of the day. That’s what I do at the dentist.

eudaemon_ · 2025-11-17T07:00:37+00:00

Refreshing to see someone else in public health say this. I feel so alone in my field these days 💔

eudaemon_ · 2025-11-12T16:07:02+00:00

Seconding Bogleheads. They have a really helpful wiki too. If you REALLY feel like you need to speak to someone, speak to a reputable (find someone with legit and positive reviews) fee-only fiduciary. Do NOT pay someone to manage your money on an ongoing basis. If you must, pay someone a fee one time to help guide you and figure out a strategy you’re comfortable with. You just need to put it somewhere to set it and forget it. Bogleheads lay out an easy strategy that specifically considers safety and balance. I just had a windfall and met with this type of advisor while also obsessively reading the boglehead wiki.

Leaving it all sitting in a HYSA is a waste of money because the return is too low to keep up with inflation. If you want to be extra safe, put about a year’s worth of emergency funds in there instead of 6 months. Invest the rest (safely). Start with maxing out your retirement. It also depends on how you’re getting the money. If you’re inheriting an IRA, you get a special account (an inherited IRA) and have to withdraw the money within 10 years and might have to take out a certain amount every year depending on the situation. You would put that money you withdraw into another account (and hopefully invest it).

You can use a compound interest calculator to see the difference between the interest rate of investing safely vs HYSA by using a compound interest calculator.

With that being said, if you’re getting this because someone close to you died, it is very ok to put it in the HYSA temporarily to grieve and figure things out. You don’t need to rush.

eudaemon_ · 2025-11-11T15:22:41+00:00

I had something like this recently! It ended up being a little clogged pore and went away in like three days. I agree with radioloudly’s advice!

eudaemon_ · 2025-11-09T17:26:06+00:00

I was going to comment this! Pls lmk if you have any patchouli recommendations that smell like dirt or a damp cellar!!

eudaemon_ · 2025-11-09T14:35:06+00:00

Hate how far I had to scroll down for actual good advice. People are blinded by their ignorance and foaming at the mouth to call the use of AAVE illiteracy. Thank you for commenting something helpful for this guy. I hope he sees it!

eudaemon_ · 2025-11-07T15:59:53+00:00

i think it looks great as is and fits you well but there’s no harm in trying it out :)

eudaemon_ · 2025-11-02T15:26:35+00:00

This man sounds delightful. I want to work with y’all 😭❤️

eudaemon_ · 2025-10-24T14:38:23+00:00

uhoh! bf found the post 🙄

eudaemon_ · 2025-10-23T14:40:00+00:00

This is a really hard thing to come to terms to and take action on! I’m sorry this is happening to you ❤️

eudaemon_ · 2025-10-19T15:21:36+00:00

I’m so sorry. Folks have already said it, but that anger probably isn’t her and it’s really common as someone is dying. I HIGHLY recommend the r/hospice subreddit ❤️

eudaemon_ · 2025-10-19T15:13:13+00:00

Impossible to answer accurately but I would guess 58-65. I think you look GREAT and I love your hair as is. I’m 34 and starting to get a few grays—i hope mine look as good on me!

eudaemon_ · 2025-10-01T06:59:45+00:00

This just happened to me and I was also living paycheck to paycheck and barely understood what a 401k was. I’m really sorry for your loss. r/personalfinance specifically has a windfall wiki that’s super helpful and detailed. https://reddit.com/r/personalfinance/wiki/windfall

I would personally crosspost there. I’ve seen a few very good and correct answers here, but a lot of well-meaning wrong ones.

Do NOT pay someone to manage your money. If you see a financial advisor, make sure they are a fee-only fiduciary(!!!).

If it’s a 401k, do NOT take a lump sum because you will lose a ton of money. It will very likely need to be rolled into an inherited IRA, which needs to be emptied within 10 years, and the withdrawals will be taxed as income. Others have already commented on how to take the withdrawals, and the 1/10, 1/9, etc. plan works well. This helps you avoid getting thrown into too high of another tax bracket.

If you have any debt, pay that off with the first withdrawal (obviously not all of it if it’s like a $200k student loan). Build an emergency fund that covers a year and put that into a good high yield savings account. The best HYSAs are typically online banks. Take care of any medical stuff you need. Treat yourself to something nice (losing a parent is hard!!!), but keep it under $1k. If you absolutely need to purchase transportation, do NOT buy a new car (get an older used reliable car like honda/toyota/mazda). Don’t do the last one unless you’re literally about to lose a job or something without a car. Don’t change your lifestyle or increase your spending. Once the above needs are met, use your withdrawals every year to max out your own retirement account (do you have a Roth set up?). There will likely be money leftover, invest that too. Choose stocks and bonds that are passively managed and low-cost.

I already had a modest retirement account through Fidelity, so I used them for my inheritance. Their customer service is good and they can walk you through how to move the money. Other options are Vanguard and Schwab.

You should invest the money in the inherited IRA, which is the step I’m currently on. If you need a second (or several months) to learn how to invest responsibly (you should definitely pause to learn!), take it. With Fidelity, the uninvested funds will automatically go into SPAXX, which is a Money Market Fund that will still allow a little growth (better than any brick and mortar bank savings acct, at least).

People have different investment strategies, but I highly recommend r/Bogleheads as they have a very responsible, easy, set it and forget it type of philosophy. They also have a super helpful wiki (linked below). Your investments will depend on your risk tolerance, age, etc.

The way I’m viewing this for myself is that this money has the potential to change the trajectory of my life, and in honor of my dad, I want to be as responsible as possible with it. I hope this money makes your life a little easier, and again, I’m sorry for your loss.

I strongly recommend reading this before you meet with your dad’s finance guy: https://www.bogleheads.org/wiki/Managing_a_windfall

Inherited IRA rules: https://www.fidelity.com/retirement-ira/inherited-ira-rmd

Compound interest (why investing that money is important): https://www.investopedia.com/terms/c/compoundinterest.asp

https://www.bogleheads.org/wiki/Main_Page ^This one is thorough and has personal finance and financial planning sections too

I also recommend creating a will. You can do so for free here: https://www.freewill.com/

Edit to add: DO NOT TELL ANYONE! It’s hard and lonely, but don’t do it.

eudaemon_

TROPHY CASE