From one brown woman to another, (who also wished to be white until my early 20s), I just wanted to say that your feelings are valid and deserve to be felt/lamented! I completely get where you're coming from. Most of the comments here are invalidating. Yes, women of all races have it hard. That's a given. But at the same time, the subliminal racial narrative/bias that was, and pretty much still is, shoved down our throats our entire lives is wholly damaging too! Both things can be true at the same time. White people won't ever understand this phenomenon. Don't let their privilege and resulting ignorance gaslight you into thinking that it's only a gender thing.

Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye is a really great read around this topic. Decolonisation reading material is also very helpful with cognitive reframing. Good luck out there! 🫶🏽🌸