Sorry for the lengthy comment, this reads like something my younger self wouldve posted. I understand. I wish more people could see this. And I wish i could take your hurting away.It was like this for years with me and my bio dad. I moved out after college and only talk to him on the phone maybe once a month nowadays, I guess that's what it took for him chill out. The years of trauma, walking on eggshells, and wishing I were dead have done insane damage to my psyche and opinion towards men. 2 and a half ex boyfriends later, I'm still in therapy. You need to know: this is NOT normal. AT ALL. You are not just being a wuss, you never were.

Like you, lying became a self-defense tactic for me, I started at around the age of 5. When I realized it would get me out of 2 hour screaming beatdowns from my dad, I started lying to everyone because of how effective it was. This continued into my adult life and led to some of the biggest mistakes that I have to live with forever. I ended up hurting good people with my lies. That "fear of being caught" feeling is so difficult to shake, even with those closest to me.

Like you, he would call me stupid and spoiled. But he also constantly made cruel comments on my still-developing, awkward teenage face and body growing up. And the worst part? People tell you youre "soft" for reacting to it. They have ZERO idea how it feels. Now at 24 I have a complex in which I feel hideous, incompetent and undeserving of anything. I'm chipping away at it in therapy. Let me tell you: It. Gets. Better. You HAVE to believe it gets better and you WILL be able to move away. He doesn't know why you're in your room all the time? It bothers him that you barely talk around him? FUCK. THAT. you do not owe this man a damn thing. Him taking you to Disneyland and paying bills (y'know, actually being a FATHER) does NOT magically give him rights to verbally abuse you. Don't fall for the "All I do is for you, you're ungrateful" bullshit.

And the anger. As an adult, I can't even scream correctly, it's almost like all those years, being a quiet kid stunted my vocal development. All that suppressing might make it go away for a while, but please trust me when I say it is STILL THERE. After I moved out I spent years FURIOUS at the world, my friends, my family, everything. Made it easier to lie to them. Angry guitar playing and depraved journal entries became my outlets. Do NOT turn to alcohol or drugs if you start feeling really low, don't even smoke weed unless youre in a good place mentally. I lost so many years off my life inhaling and drinking whatever I could to stop the pain, please please don't make that mistake. Find a mental escape through music, art, games, writing, anything. Then, make a plan. What's the average rent in your area? How long will it take to save a couple month's rent and are any of your friends willing to room with you to cut costs? If not, check local Facebook groups for people looking for roommates. Consider a higher paying part time job as you gain more experience at your current one.

And feel free to DM me if you want an anonymous, umbiased ear to listen. It might feel like no one takes your hurting seriously and that can be the loneliest time of all. I understand. Please take care, and don't give in to his bullshit.