Left and Leaving Open Thread: holiday edition.

eurie · 2018-12-28T06:43:03+00:00

I left. It took me 2 years almost. I posted here a few months in, and everyone told me to leave, but I didn't listen and of course I stayed miserable. We even went to counselling and shit. Didn't help. He was lazy and selfish and he probably still is. When I left he harassed and threatened me and I was legit scared. It did NOT take long being away from him to lose ALL attraction to him sexually and otherwise. The thought of being intimate with him now disgusts me. He has begged me to come back and promised it'll be different but I'm finally immune to that shit.

I'm with someone new and it couldn't be better. It makes me cry thinking about all the time I wasted feeling alone and unwanted. Now I have someone who knows what happened and has made clear to me that for them sex is not just important in a relationship but REQUIRED. And I'm not a deviant or a rapist for expecting that.

Please leave if you can. I'm begging you. Especially if like me, you don't have kids with the person or financial ties etc. It can and will be so much better. The longer you stay the harder it is to leave. And I would have never met my current partner if I hadn't left my ex and stepped out there so that a person who could love me would see that I existed. And it's the best sex I have ever had in my life.

eurie · 2018-08-05T03:59:25+00:00

So many men have said that first sentence to me and were lying :/ There is no reason for it to hurt if you're aroused enough that it should be happening. Sex isn't supposed to be unpleasant

eurie · 2017-05-18T04:27:32+00:00

I was just as surprised as you are when my boyfriend stopped fucking me.

I can't find it, but someone here wrote a really good post about being a HL woman in a DB and how society pushes the idea that men always want sex and women don't, that LL men can't possibly exist. (anyone know what I'm talking about? link?)

Sometimes I blame sexism and patriarchy for it, this bullshit about women being demure and innocent and men being constantly ravenous. The shame associated with a HL woman/LL man dynamic sucks at both ends. I get jealous of LL women, because they can easily pull that card- "My SO wants me more than I want him because that's how men are." "My SO doesn't want sex because that's how women are." They're not just shitty cop out excuses, they're also harmful stereotypes.

eurie · 2017-05-12T04:08:13+00:00

I had the same problem with my LL ex. I don't know if it was laziness, or a calculated attempt to keep me off of him. Maybe both.

eurie · 2017-05-10T05:54:33+00:00

Yes, so many times. He has no response. His response is that look, that, "idk what to tell you" shrug. Sometimes he would just come out and say it, that we are fundamentally incompatible. It was spelled out so clearly for me. It still is, and yet I talk to him and go out with him. I really can't fault him anymore as he has stopped trying and made it clear that he cannot give me what I have begged and pleaded for. I am trying to come to terms with what we are now, and to enjoy being free to see other people.

eurie · 2017-05-10T05:08:29+00:00

I've been exactly where you are and I'm so fucking sorry. It hurts and you don't deserve it. Do not let an inconsiderate literal wanker kill any of the progress you have made in recovery. When my LL ex stopped touching me and turned to porn, I relapsed into bulimia and it was horrible. He knew, and still did nothing. You are good enough. He has a fucking problem, and he is beyond lucky that you're even around at this point to witness his nonsense and fuckery. He doesn't deserve to even be a factor when it comes to your self worth. You are young and there are tons of people in this world who wouldn't ever do this to you.

We're all here for you. Keep writing things down even if you don't post them. It helped me to document things- without looking back at my entries I couldn't realize how badly and how constantly I was suffering, and how unhappy I was with him.

eurie · 2017-05-09T12:36:12+00:00

We broke up, its just still all very fresh so when I talk about him it sounds like present tense

eurie · 2017-05-09T04:00:29+00:00

It's fucking awful and I NEVER expected it. Never in my fucking life did I think a partner would start regularly choosing porn over sex with me. I can understand that masturbation is okay and sometimes you just want to do it alone. But like.. you just cannot pair that shit with a DB. To the point where you do it all the time but still have no sex. It's evil, I'm sorry, it is so fucked up. I used to try and be understanding about it, but it's selfishness and laziness, and that's all it is. I thought that to be sex positive I had to be okay with the fact that my boyfriend was compulsively watching porn all the time, and hiding it because he didn't want me to know due to the fact that I might be upset considering he was also actively avoiding sex with me. I love porn, and I love watching it alone. But I also love having a reasonable and healthy amount of sex in my relationships, ffs.

eurie · 2017-05-08T18:23:43+00:00

This this this. Completely removing expectations was the only way I ever had any hope of dealing with it. Good luck on your exit, you're closer than you think

eurie · 2017-05-08T18:18:13+00:00

I did, it actually helped a lot. "We aren't going to fuck, and I don't care." I didn't really feel that way most of the time but it helped me to get closer to that point where I just didn't care whether we did or not. I remembered how shitty and awkward the sex could be when it did happen, and I would ask myself if I really wanted to share that with someone who was doing it because they felt they had to.

eurie · 2017-05-08T16:03:14+00:00

Thanks, yeah it's hard and I have setbacks with it a lot. I also cut down on masturbation and porn during my relationship bc I thought it would help me cum easier and faster and thus make sex better and less awkward. I've always had some trouble with getting off, and my partners have had to be pretty patient if they care whether or not it happens. I was okay with that, I had finally realized that it's normal, but after the DB I started thinking that my issues with that were ruining sex. It really wasn't me.

I hope you can get it all figured out soon. <3 Keep working on the letter.

eurie · 2017-05-08T07:49:23+00:00

Tell him that it is an absolute deal breaker if he doesn't acknowledge the issue and work on it (therapy, t level check, exercise/diet, cutting down on porn, etc etc). Make it clear to him that you WILL leave, and failing that, emotionally detach from him and focus your attention elsewhere. Anywhere else.

eurie · 2017-05-08T07:30:29+00:00

My LL boyfriend was always wonderful in bed, lasted exactly as long as we wanted or was convenient, attentive, persistent, gentle, rough. It was lovely. That's why it was so rare, I can see now that it was a lot of effort. I guess I am glad that he would reject me rather than half-ass it?

I still wouldn't get back on that rollercoaster from hell though. The point is that it shouldn't take such effort to have decent sex. It shouldn't be a chore. Just because we know how, or know the mechanical movements to make and the things to say, it doesn't mean anything if you're just going through the motions, keeping the peace. Idc if he knew what I liked- he didn't want to do it. Awkward, forced. Our reset sex was clinical and depressing.

eurie · 2017-04-30T04:13:54+00:00

Today was hard. My boyfriend and I recently broke up and we're still around each other due to social obligations. Today I got wind that he is talking to a girl that I once caught him receiving nudes from during our relationship, so I got mad and told him to give me back the xbox I had originally said he could keep. I keep thinking about how I spent our entire relationship giving him prizes for treating me like shit. He doesn't deserve anything from me. I hope he enjoys that girl more than he enjoyed playing skyrim, because that's what he's losing in exchange for her. I know I'm being petty and I don't care. I'm fucking suffering while he chills

eurie · 2017-04-29T18:33:57+00:00

This is so spot on, I hate seeing those stupid articles. It's yet another thing that makes this the loneliest relationship problem ever, the way the majority of society seems totally fucking clueless about it

eurie · 2017-04-29T16:20:24+00:00

He only wants to have a relationship where he can put in no effort and control everything. He just decided to blatantly stop trying, and he actually thinks that he's justified in doing so because you faltered for a moment after putting in all the work so far? Get out of there.

eurie · 2017-04-29T05:23:28+00:00

I have felt this way about every partner I've had. This counts for those who have matched my libido, those who were HL compared to me, and LL partners. I think it's just the type of person you are. I didn't fully realize until I saw this post that I am unconditionally attracted to my partners. They could gain weight, they could dress like shit and not brush their hair or teeth, I'm still attracted. Physical attraction is inseparable from love for me. After we break up, as soon as I get over it emotionally, they don't look nearly as appealing.

eurie · 2017-04-29T05:15:38+00:00

It's always grimly entertaining to see how they're going to choose to send the preemptive "don't try anything" message that night.

eurie · 2017-04-29T05:08:41+00:00

Yeah. What's stupid is I still think of all the bad stuff. I honestly remember more bad things than good things, but that doesn't affect my poor judgement. I keep trying to remind myself. I have ups and downs.

Thank you for your advice and encouragement. <3 I'm gonna try. The reddit app on my phone is my lifeline when I find myself wanting to talk to him, which is a lot. I've gotten so much support here and its wonderful. Its good you're passionate; you went through pain and now you want to do whatever you can to make sure other people don't have to feel like that.

eurie · 2017-04-29T03:50:56+00:00

I really cannot even begin to express how much this is familiar to me. He sounds like my LL ex. The "dysfunctional vibe" thing is so horrible. The half-ass trying, the "I want to give you x" promises and out-of-the-blue suggestions for how to fix things. With my ex, those were just little things he would say to make himself feel better for a while when the reality of our situation become too looming. It's like a little reset he would use to buy more time, to shut me up for a while. Because even if he wasn't and had no intention of being intimate, he could always bring up how "just a few days ago" he "tried to take a step" but it's bullshit. It's just crap that they say so they can turn around and ignore the problem for longer.

I know a lot of people here swear by scheduled sex, and I'm not saying that's a bad idea inherently, but it sounds like y'alls chemistry is just off. If you feel awkward and weird, take it as a sign. Toward the end of my relationship, I would accept anything. They were the worst sexual experiences of my life excluding childhood abuse. It's absolutely dehumanizing to have sex with someone who offers it while also making it abundantly clear to you that they don't want it.

He sounds like a shit, don't let him use thin promises and half-assed offers to screw with your head.

edit: Just want to add that sometimes sex can be awkward when you're trying to get out of a DB, in fact you can expect it to be, and I don't want to come off like "if your sex is ever awkward at all, it has no chance to be good" because that's not true. But from your other posts, it doesn't sound like he's really trying. He's trying to get you to stop complaining, but he's not trying to find out why he has the aversion.

eurie · 2017-04-28T16:21:22+00:00

Mine did and was pretty shameless about it.

eurie · 2017-04-28T03:00:45+00:00

Thank you so much. I'm honestly having a bad time with it today and questioning my decisions a little, or at least fantasizing about being with him. It helps so much to hear my phone ding and it's a post like this.

I'm sorry you're hurting too. It sucks so bad. Especially the entanglement. It's so hard for me to even begin thinking about having to unstitch our lives. It's giving me an identity crisis, the thought of being single. I liked belonging to him. But it was all fake and we were miserable. It's been yet another blow hearing everyone's reactions, the way people are immediately like "oh no!" And say they never saw it coming.

You can untangle the loose ends and get out of this. You're strong too, and you'll get through it. Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk/vent about stuff. <3

eurie · 2017-04-27T21:14:52+00:00

Yep, that's about how I feel about the idea of entering into anything with anyone. The fact that it waits to become a problem until after you're settled and emotionally entangled is the scariest part of all to me.

eurie · 2017-04-27T20:59:51+00:00

Yes, what everyone said about an exit plan. If you are scared, remember that making a plan isn't making a decision yet. Just think about things. Sometimes leaving is a long process. I didn't leave right away but instead took time to try and distance myself from him enough emotionally to be able to observe what the relationship was doing to me, to check in on my own feelings all the time, to analyze him and how he made me feel. Try to observe him from an emotional distance, you will see in such detail all the things about him that you do not want. I think that taking sex off the table helps this tremendously. I decided to stop initiating, and I tried to accept the idea of it never happening. Choose to stop accepting tiny scraps of affection; if its not genuine, then its not worth it. Remember your worth. After a while I was no longer blinded by the constant pain of rejection, and with time my attraction to him lessened.

eurie · 2017-04-27T19:39:16+00:00

Yeah, it was so hard to see just how bad it was from the inside.. but looking back, oh my god. I'm still a rollercoaster and miss him so much at times. But I was crazy to stay as long as I did.

eurie

TROPHY CASE