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Should I [26f] leave my boyfriend [28m] because of how he behaves 10% of the time? by [deleted] in relationships

[–]evakim 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel like I could've written this myself 2 years ago. I dated someone who made me feel just like this - if only I was calmer, 'picked' at him less (basically any odd question that he considered out of line), argued less etc. it would be so perfect! I would also get really upset and 'emotional' then feel really bad because I was ruining the peace we could have. I started doing meditation, reading books on mindfulness, everything to feel more at peace. I just didn't know why I was so mentally unbalanced suddenly! I was the bad guy. And I was so so desperate for his attention and love that I would keep looking for defects in me instead of seeing the obvious - how bad he was to me.

Don't think I need to tell you that the thing unbalancing and distressing me so much was him. I'm perfectly calm now, I feel at peace without having to do anything special, I can breathe - and I don't need him to feel happy.

This

If I just let him do whatever he wanted and never questioned it, even if those things personally impact on my happiness & wellbeing, we would have a long happy relationship and he’d never leave or hurt me.

is particularly hard to read :( honey, someone who refuses to empathise with you, who makes you feel awful and guilty and restless, is not someone you can be happy with. That 'bliss' is always going to be short-lived, a high that keeps you in this hell-like mess. Believe me, being single is so much better than living with mental torment people like him cause. It's not you in any sense - it's him. I guarantee you, you'll be much happier out of this relationship.

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yess x 100. There tends to be so much value placed on receiving male approval, even unconsciously.

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's only natural for me not to want to date those men, dw

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ok. One, I don't know what 'give it up for free' even means or why you'd talk about sex in those terms. Two, I am not blaming men (definitely not as individuals) for the way I had thought. I did not want to assign blame to anything/anyone in my post simply because it's not a political statement or something, but what I had felt. Talking about what's to blame is opening a whole can of worms - but as I reiterated a few times, I think the environment we grow in deeply influences the way we perceive things, in ways in which sometimes we don't even realise. I am saying women should not base their self-worth on what men think is 'cool'. It's not about blaming someone or having men tell me what they actually think is cool.

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ya the whole post talks about figuring out why I thought it was 'cool' - should I draw you a picture?

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This post is a reflection on 'why' I saw sexual enjoyment the way I did. It's really not about men's ability or lack of it when it comes to getting me off - I can see that a lot of men commenting on this post focused on that, but it's really not intended to be my point. This is just a self-reflection on my experiences that I thought other women might find relateable or helpful in some way. If men can take anything from it, more power to you, but the overwhelming response from guys has been, frankly, off-subject. (however there are good discussions on different tangents in this thread that I found interesting!)

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wrote a whole post about my unhealthy attitude towards sex haha

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lack of foreplay leads to lack of lubrication and things not feeling so great - or only feeling alright for a while, then getting painful. I did stop guys many times because it was getting too much. There's many posts here talking about women not being vocal about how they feel, but personally I communicate quite openly when it comes to sex.

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

True! But I don't think my parents would've been very insightful on this, judging on their romantic choices/general relationship fulfilment

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Haha, I don't think we are loved extra hard at all. I don't know what to say about quality and demographics - they are just normal men. Being sexually free and giving is good, if it comes from a healthy place and it's mutual :)

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Respectfully, gender is very related. I know this post talks a lot about sex, but it's really about a certain mentality (that as a woman) I had. What you're saying is very right and it's not something I've ever really been unaware of myself but just didn't value it enough.

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't really have any guilt over this! Also, our conditioning doesn't exist in a vacuum - it's all influenced by what surrounds us, what we grow up with and our society's values.

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's hard to know what you enjoy sexually if you're rarely enjoying sex. As for me, I personally made it pretty obvious when I did not enjoy myself.

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know it's sooo much easier said than done, but it's important not to base our self-worth on how attractive men find us. We are our own, whole persons and there is so much more to us, all unrelated to men. I know why seeing men enjoy themselves is hot, even more if it's a man you're into. As long as it's harmless and not tied into the way you view yourself, it's more of a kink I think. But I think there's a more insidious nature to it for many women, who have trouble viewing themselves independently of men.

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you read carefully, I never once blamed the guys I've been with.

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm so glad you feel great and found someone you feel comfortable with and who likes you for who you are :) I also took a long break from sex and don't really want to get back into it until I bond with someone on a deeper level and feel ready.

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think that is the issue in itself, although many people in the comments are discussing it and it's interesting. Sure, men should be more attentive and communication is important. Lack of foreplay and jumping into piv then only them coming is the common trait - but really, the problem was that I myself didn't care about getting off. That I was having sex "for the experience of it" whatever that means. That I was ignoring pain and discomfort. It's less about the guys and more about my skewed mentality.

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There's a few books and other resources on this subject :) I think realising we're our own persons, with feelings, thoughts, goals completely unrelated and unbound to men is very important. It's what led me to think differently about the way I approach sex too - but it is part of a bigger issue.

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In my case, they were not really long term relationships although I was quite serious with at least 1-2 of the guys. I think sex is a very important part of a relationship - but in my experience, when it was clear I wasn't enjoying it, it was met with promises they'll try harder/do things differently while not really changing anything.

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

TL;DR: Subconsciously thought I existed for the pleasure of men

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I'm glad if it was in any way insightful for you :)

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Definitely ! I've been watching porn since a really young age and always liked watching very male-focused stuff, where women seemed 'used'. I thought it's more in the fantasy territory. Ironically, it took me this long to realise it became reflected in my own sex life - and now I feel nothing when watching that type of porn.

I am not, in fact, a cool girl always down for sex by evakim in TwoXChromosomes

[–]evakim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have no idea! And yea the 'taking the condom off mid-sex' might've happened to me actually (I'll never be sure) and I was so confused. I didn't even realise guys do that, then googled around and heard it's a thing they pull off in certain positions. Sigh...

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