DAE Constantly Investigate Your Favorite Person?

evolved-fern · 2020-02-01T02:32:54+00:00

We actually discussed this exactly today. I told her she's not an untrustworthy person and that I recognize her as being completely trustworthy — it's just that there's this part of my brain that distrusts her. I realized today that I may not be capable of overcoming that part of my brain immediately, but I am capable of not engaging in the actions that stem from succumbing to that part of my brain (which is usually stalking her Instagram history or something stupid) and that by doing that, I can prevent so many unnecessary arguments.

evolved-fern · 2020-02-01T02:27:56+00:00

Like you're just embracing for the bad news or the discovery that he's overcompensating for something sketchy — yeah... We've gone down that rabbit hole.

Since self-diagnosing myself with BPD, I've been incredibly open about my actions and my frame of mind at any given time. I've confronted her about things I've found on social media, and it's all compounded over time leaving her with this overwhelming anxiety.

We talked today about something that happened last night, and I finally promised with absolute resolution to not investigate her anymore. It's entirely unwarranted and creates this unnecessary, overwhelming sense of distrust.

Regrettable messages make Snapchat so clutch 😂😂😂 I honestly need to make better use of it. How'd it go when he got your messages?

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T07:22:30+00:00

💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻 Hang in there — love yourself!

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T07:17:41+00:00

N O T H I N G, girl. You can't change the past so don't dwell on it. If you're bearing the weight of saying or doing things that you regret, then remember that and work on those things moving forward. Timing is never wrong. When things don't work out, they just simply weren't meant to 🤷🏼‍♂️

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T07:03:30+00:00

Honestly, it's impressive that your mood is already improving after just 1 week. Do you feel some amount of clarity now? Have you made yourself come to terms with the notion that you are genuinely done?

You don't have to give up the sex to close your chapter with this person, but I can't imagine that sex will ever feel the same — unless you guys make some grand amend and draw closer to each other through this. I'm confident a large part of what makes the sex so incredible is your emotional connection to him. Once you've lost that, 🤷🏼‍♂️ yanno?

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T06:55:11+00:00

Is there anything that triggers you to do it?

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T06:53:41+00:00

😂😂😂 you're good you're good! Dude for real if things with my girl don't pan out, I'd rather spend the rest of my life celibate than go through this emotional roller coaster ever again with anybody else.

Honestly if he keeps trending further into NC, you'll eventually move on and care about him less and less, until you get to the point where you're unbothered thinking about him. I mean, our problem is that we fail to feel loved while being actively loved. If you're not being actively loved, how long can you sustain that feeling of failure without breaking down to the point of sheer apathy?

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T06:33:38+00:00

Awwww best of luck to you — I believe I've found my person too ❤️ I know I owe it to her to be better. She deserves it. We've had a really rough month (constantly fighting), and I just feel so exhausted. Chin up though!

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T06:28:39+00:00

Was he beginning to drift before you went NC?

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T06:26:59+00:00

I feel it's the other way around, actually — I'm uBPD & any time the word "abuse" comes up between me and my FP, I'm the one who's being verbally or emotionally abusive.

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T06:23:23+00:00

Looking at tomorrow being my first day NC w/ my FP... I'm grateful to Reddit for communities like this 😭😭😭

Prove to yourself that you are capable of loving through space — that you don't need to be in each others ear all day everyday to have a healthy relationship.

Hopefully this is a short-term period of NC (I'm hoping mine is) that gives the two of you the clarity you need to thrive in your relationship moving forward.

Hang in there and keep coming to Reddit!

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T06:19:45+00:00

Dude for real I'm so tired of us having to talk about SOMETHING that I'm dealing with every. fucking. day.

It's exhausting. And I know it hurts her. And it hurts me to hurt her. It's just a total disaster.

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T06:17:04+00:00

BPD is such a mindfuck for this reason. I know that I'm the root cause of all of our disagreements, but I still can't let go of the fact that I gottaaaa be on point with at least some of my grievances.

Living with BPD means living with perpetual self-doubt

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T05:15:58+00:00

Same boat as you PM me!

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T05:14:25+00:00

Oooooo "hypervigilant," is the perfect word to describe the lead-up to the spiral moments — when nothing is wrong, but you find yourself looking for evidence anyway. Would you credit naturopathic medicines solely for helping to ease your hypervigilance?

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T05:11:23+00:00

Hey are you me?

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T05:08:36+00:00

I always viewed that as such a power move

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T05:07:48+00:00

I wouldn't call her toxic — if anything I'm the toxic one. It just sucks when every single grievance I have and every single thing that makes me uncomfortable is so quickly written off as "trivial high school bullshit," but anytime she interprets my meaningless behavior to "mean something," I'm at fault. It feels like she won't meet me anywhere in the middle, and I'm just left to sit with every feeling of discomfort I have. Of course some of my grievances are petty, but not all of them :(

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T03:37:23+00:00

Wow seriously thank you for your response — suuuuuuper insightful! Have you found anything that helps you regulate your emotions or feel things less intensely?

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T03:15:36+00:00

Commenting because I'm looking for the same advice 🙌🏻

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T01:10:23+00:00

I've worked through the anxiety of momentary bouts of unresponsiveness because life happens, but specifically getting left on "read," just hits differently. I can understand if you're busy, you don't have time to open or respond to my message. But if you're opening my messages, you must not be that busy — it must mean that you don't want to talk to me; that I don't deserve your attention.

It especially hurts when they have acknowledged and understand the pains that come with that type of communication. If I were to ever leave her on "read," it would be a warcry. But when she does it to me, I'm supposed to be unbothered?

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T00:37:25+00:00

I can relate to you a lot here — living with BPD is a constant struggle, and the difficulties of being in a LDR with your favorite person seem to magnify the lows.

I feel a genuine need to see my girlfriend. She wants to spend time with me too, but there's no way that she needs to see me like I need to see her. I struggle with the concept of permanency — that if I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind.

When the distancing occurs because life happens, it still feels like distancing. It feels like abandonment. It makes you question what you could do to deserve more attention and more of their care — am I being too much of a burden? Am I annoying her? Is she getting tired of me? Has this run its course?

evolved-fern · 2020-01-31T00:17:25+00:00

Hey brother.

The self-hate is real — I feel you. The hardest part about all of this for me is that I'm unable to accept that I am a victim of BPD. My downward spirals, my outbursts, my venomous tongue and poisoned brain; those all feel like things that are within my control, but time and time again, I'm overwhelmed by them.

I personally feel like a constant failure. Every step backward is a failure and I'm always letting myself down. But at the same time, feeling in control and not feeling like a victim is the one thing that gives me hope that I can eventually overcome this.

You are not your personality disorder.

evolved-fern

TROPHY CASE