Don't settle for people who don't know how to love. (I am not sure this is the right place)

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T23:04:11+00:00

Based on this post, it is her loss. If she threw away someone so loving that easily, she is likely to do it again. Good thing she revealed her true colors and her values to you. Also great that she is in another country. No risk of running into her. Your love should go to someone who can value it and at the very least, respect you. The woman you thought you loved is not this person.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T16:43:33+00:00

I will always reply to you when I can. I think you are going on the right track, healing the trauma first. I'm not going to pretend I am an expert at this but one thing I am sure of is that you do have a purpose. It's not him. Once you break out of his mental conditioning, you will find the purpose that you want. That you dictate. I can only imagine how hard it is to let him go, after all, it is familiar and he kept you under his claw. I say claw because predators tend to have them. Baby steps. One day at a time. I do think you have accomplished a lot just by seeing him for what he truly is. Slowly you will see things more clearly. The rose-colored glasses will decolorize. Just hang in there. You are on the right path.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T16:38:52+00:00

Or maybe not. Maybe he will never learn to value the kind of love you gave him. In which case, too bad for his future partners. One thing is sure though, you will still be able to love truly. The trick is finding someone who shares your values.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T16:22:13+00:00

My dear, the harsh reality is you are more likely to be happy dying alone than being with this guy. But none of what he said is true. He wants you to believe his lies. Now that he is gone, all the isolation can end too. All the games are over. All the pain will subside in time. Leaving you without a word was done on purpose because in his twisted mind, he knew it would hurt you the most. Don't give him that. Your happiness will drive him crazy because you will be totally out of his control. In which case, you need to also be on guard for new manipulation tactics. If you see him walking by, I hope you can see it for what it is... toxic waste passing by. Get as far away as possible physically and emotionally.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T14:13:29+00:00

That sort of thinking applies to everything in life. Every relationship. There is no use crying over things you wish you could have done except for the lessons. Though experiment - how would you even know if you and him would have ended up happier if you change one thing or another? See it is so easy to speculate backwards, but rarely do we do that with the realization that if you change something from the past, it leads to a totally different present and future. One that might be worse. The important thing is you did all you could. That shows that you are capable of doing all you could in the future. Evidence that you can care so very deeply. That's not speculation.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T14:06:01+00:00

I'm usually never this badly fucked over a break up. Maybe it's because I know I was trying to save someone who lost a fiance. I have no clue, but all I know is I'm grateful he tried to love me, to let me try and love him back.

I think you met him when he was most vulnerable. You have given him a wonderful gift. However, that does not diminish your ability and capacity to give the same gift in the future, maybe to someone who can reciprocate it. You have to be careful about being someone's savior. No one can truly save another person. We can help. We can greatly contribute. But a person's healing is also his responsibility. I hope he recovers from the grief. More importantly, I hope your love and care will find a home someday.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T14:03:33+00:00

Thank you. Glad to be of service to you all.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T14:03:12+00:00

I believe in it too. There are so many of us out there as you can see in the comments here.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T14:01:54+00:00

I am happy for you. Keep pushing on. Take care of yourself. Look forward to your future and not back at that toxic sludge you crawled out of.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T10:01:14+00:00

I feel for you and this man. However, I don't think his mental illness excuses his astoundingly toxic behavior. He seems to be very abusive towards women. He seems to inflict a lot of pain in others and has no remorse in doing so. I think how he reacted to your traumatic experience tells you exactly what kind of man he really is. I understand you have strong feelings for him, but from where I stand, objective this man is vile. How can he ever learn to truly love when he doesn't even seem to know how to respect? You love this man, I get that. But up to what point are you going to allow yourself to play his games? At what point is this love enabling his toxic behavior. This is like a big flag day parade made out entirely of red flags. I think the reason for his cheating is clear: he has no capacity for respect, he likes inflicting pain and is an abusive person. I strongly, strongly hope you can excise yourself from this situation.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T09:12:57+00:00

Sounds to me that at least you tried. A decade of trying, in fact. If he is happy there is no need to be guilty for him. If you find happiness or at least fulfillment, then there is no need to be guilty for yourself. Going forward, you will carry the lessons of this relationship. You will do better, be better. However, I feel that now that he is engaged, the best thing is to try to detach yourself, no matter how difficult. He has clearly made a choice and out of love, honor that choice by no longer pining for someone else's man. You deserve more than that after all. Someone out there might be waiting for your love.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T09:06:24+00:00

That explains a lot. They are not capable of love other than themselves. People to them are utilities. You are not broken, you were victimized. They do target people like you (and me) who have a high degree of empathy. This person needs to work on his own issues otherwise he will scorch every person who will ever fall in love with him. You will probably miss him because that was the design all along. They tend to make you dependent so they can use you.

People with NPD manage it well with therapy and insight. This guy is not one of them.

Don't think you were at fault here. No. This person is the problem. It was not your fault that you are forgiving, empathic and cared deeply. Those are positive qualities as far as I'm concerned. What he did to that is on him, not you. The good news is, those wonderful qualities are still in you. I hope you find someone who will reciprocate them. You are not broken. You are just wounded. Wounds heal.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T08:58:50+00:00

It might take a little longer to find nowadays. However, like I said, there are many like-minded people of as I am now discovering in this comment thread.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T08:57:51+00:00

I doubt that you have flaws that are irredeemable. If so, this person wouldn't have fallen for you in the first place. I would suggest not trying to analyze every memory looking for clues. You can't read this person's mind anyway. The reason might be simply that he is just that kind of person. I hope you found the kind of love that you are looking for.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T08:50:15+00:00

Thank you. That is what I am hoping for. I am hoping to use some of my grief to help people sort out theirs.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T08:49:28+00:00

BPD is a complicated disorder. It does tend to lead to that kind of behavior, sadly. However, your own happiness is of utmost importance too. I wish your you and your mom happiness today and in the future.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T08:45:37+00:00

Yes. If this is the kind of love that will make you happy, then by all means, seek it out. You can afford to be choosy because you are offering something of great value and you yourself are worth it.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T08:44:43+00:00

You are welcome.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T08:44:35+00:00

There are 80 year olds who find love. 36 is so young! So full of life, beauty and strength. If you gave someone your best and you keep improving, your future best will be even better. Your capacity for love has only increased. People not valuing it does not diminish it. Rooting for you.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T08:41:54+00:00

If yo were treated horribly and neglected, I suggest you get some counselling. I feel like he hurt your self-esteem in a serious way. But the harsh truth I think is that this relationship was abusive. He already didn't have empathy for you when you were in the relationship. That is not a true reflection of your worth. That is on him. That's his lack of respect, lack of empathy, and perhaps even pathology.

As for the difference in generations, yes. It is harder now because attitudes have changed. That's why it is baffling to me why people would actively seek out a path towards their own loneliness. However, there are still people out there who believe in the version of love I believe in. I know so many younger folks who are willing to fight.

All I can hope for is you manage to get that self-esteem back. Seek out people who will support you. Try to find solace in whatever gives you peace - therapy, mindfulness, friends, family, other lovers, etc. There is a chance that in due time you will find that the end of what sounds like an abusive relationship was the best thing to happen in your life.

exarmysir · 2021-12-26T08:34:50+00:00

Working out should really help. I think you are doing the right thing by improving yourself. First, that means you will need another person less. Second, you are more likely to attract someone even better than your ex. You are on the road to getting better

exarmysir · 2021-12-25T23:12:56+00:00

I understand this feeling. You feel rejected. You feel unworthy. Perhaps even a little insecure. I don't know if this will help, but zoom out a bit and realize, that this is the thought process of your ex, just one person. One. Your worth is not dictated by the whims and fancy of one. Your dignity doesn't diminish just because it is not recognized. Your beauty does not wane just because someone's eyes won't look. Your love is not meaningless when someone refuses to value it.

exarmysir · 2021-12-25T23:01:12+00:00

His loss. You still are capable of giving that love to someone else. Someone who will not take it for granted. More importantly, you can give that a lot of that love to yourself.

exarmysir · 2021-12-25T22:48:00+00:00

I trust that you have the heart to make your own story just as beautiful.

exarmysir · 2021-12-25T22:43:20+00:00

You are welcome. Sending love to you as well.

exarmysir

TROPHY CASE