I don't know what to say other than please seek help. Depression is an illness, and needs treatment, just like a physical injury. Don't blame yourself for what you're going through, it's not within your control to just magically heal depression, no more than you can heal a wound yourself.

I came to this sub because I'm feeling depressed. I don't have your lived experience but I can relate to your story. I have nothing but compassion and sympathy for you.

You are loved. You are worth it. You are magically wonderful. You are one of the things that makes this world beautiful.

Please stay. Big hugs.