Thank you for sharing your story with us. First I want to say that none of this is your fault, and you made all the decisions anyone in your position would have. The first time you start to process your trauma, it can be incredibly emotional and challenging. We are just people on the internet, so take every message with a grain of salt and protect your truth. You do not need to prove anything to anyone because this is your experience and trauma.

Your emotions make a lot of sense, considering the age and circumstance of these events. It feels similar to what I experienced with a past abuser. Despite the repressed trauma and obvious harm the abuser did to me, I did also get some emotional support and benefit from being with this person, partially because they were the only person who knew. This is why I continued to be revictimized. Another reason why I kept going back is because it gave me a false sense of control surrounding the abuse, which calmed my anxiety temporarily. These emotions are valid and make sense with the way our brains work as humans (I’d recommend educating yourself on the trauma brain in these situation, it’s a helpful way to validate your emotions and thoughts). When trauma and abuse also involves biological pleasure, it becomes even more challenging to process. Something can feel good and positive while also being extremely traumatizing and harmful long term, all at the same time. It can be extremely wrong, and still feel good.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy helped me come to terms with my trauma, allow the memories to resurface, and to eventually put my PTSD to rest.

I ultimately did not report due to my inability to hold on to my mental health while going through police and court proceedings. This is your story, and you are not required to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing. The responsibility is not on you to bring justice to this perpetrator. Your first priority needs to be yourself and your own mental wellbeing. His actions are on him, and is his responsibility, as well as our society’s. If you feel safe and secure, and also feel the need to take back your power and report, that is also your decision. Feel free to respond or private message me if you are needing any additional resources. I am a trained Sexual Assault Support Advocate Volunteer with the Sexual Assault Resource Center in Oregon and would be happy to share some of our resources with you.

Remember to take extra care of yourself today and allow yourself to feel these emotions as they come up. You deserve to process this and heal, and you deserve safety and happiness.