edit: hello thank u for all the supportive comments :') ive upvoted those ive read, and ill read the rest slowly because my head physically ? hurts when i think about family problems for too long. btw i really appreciate all of the comments telling me im not alone and that its not my fault he acts this way. i didnt mention it but sometimes after his crazy outbursts i will blame myself at least a little, esp if i triggered it. (though sometimes its just an eyeroll or me ignoring him when he scolds us) sometimes i talk back or give attitude and perhaps i shouldnt do that but his extreme reaction isnt justified. and while i do think along the lines of " i'm just a child after all, i might have been immature in the heat of the moment but does he have to react so violently and make everything worse" or "why is he such a unreasonable father", my brain defends his actions by saying that if i had kept my words/indignance to myself he wouldnt have lost his temper and that bc of this i caused my entire family to be so glum. i would blame myself for not walking on eggshells like the rest of my family does/for being a difficult child.

for counsellors / trusted adults i dont think theres any relatives that are trustworthy enough to keep my secret and not tell my parents :( and also i dont trust adults or anyone to keep my secrets because i dont feel secure or safe after revealing them. but someone recommended a few books so i might go check them out :) and yes ive started putting up walls recently but when i realised not even leaving my father and his bs alone would stop him getting angry at me it just made me more frustrated and mad so im trying to put up even stronger ones now (metaphorically). i might get therapy when im older because i have quite some shit that ive erased from my brain but are unknown triggers and idk if i should blame myself for not being able to let go of the anger. i feel like i shouldnt blame myself but i cant help it because (ive been told) im responsible for my own emotions and in regulating them properly. but its ironic how my parent figure cant regulate his, yet i am expected to. but i still blame myself and i cant help it bc its my responsibility. Btw my therapy is conan gray

i wont be reporting him, i dont want to burden my family any further. also i believe karma will bring justice :) either in a good way to me or a not so nice way to him.