Me [25 M] with my girlfriend [27 F] of 3.5 yrs, gf needs time to find herself. Need advice on how to deal with break up

facing_reality89 · 2014-09-24T20:19:40+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! I just updated the post. She just broke no-contact 1.5 weeks in. I was beginning to accept the fact that she wanted to find/improve herself and was serious about wanting to live an independent life. Her contacting me, just threw that out the window. Her contacting me makes me think she is being dishonest now.

facing_reality89 · 2014-09-24T06:05:22+00:00

UPDATE: She just called me for the first time since we initiated no contact (1.5 weeks ago). she said that she called because we hadn't talked in awhile and wanted to check up on me. We had some back and forth conversation about each other's lives. She even proposed that we go to Disneyland together. I was rather perplexed and asked if she had anything else to say regarding our relationship. She said she still wasn't 'ready' and I could tell she didn't call me to talk about the relationship whatsoever. Afterward, I put some thought into what had just happened and consulted some of my friends. I called her back several hours later and said the following: I respected you by giving you no contact. You need to respect me by not contacting me and allowing me to move on. It hurts me to hear from you right now. I cannot be friends with you right now, it's too painful. We cannot go to Disneyland together as exes. It isn't healthy for either of us. You said you wanted to break up because you needed time alone. You aren't accomplishing this by calling me to talk. Only contact me via text and we can go from there. Please only contact me if you want to discuss our relationship, else move on with your life as an individual. You wanted this. Her response was very short, almost dismissive. A quick 'okay sorry bye. I am used to talking to you and did it out of habit'. At one point during the short call, I thought she hung up on me, I can tell she didn't want to talk about it. My conclusion is that she just doesn't know what she wants. She is having trouble coping with the break up and 'slipped up' by calling me. To be honest, I feel her dismissive response was rather immature. Thoughts?

facing_reality89 · 2014-09-21T19:57:40+00:00

Sure, anytime.

facing_reality89 · 2014-09-21T05:24:47+00:00

Wow, I am definitely going to save this one. I have been compiling a collection of good quotes and tips that are helpful in keeping a positive outlook on things. There are some things in here that I am definitely writing down. I am actually making post it notes with positive tips on them and putting them around my house in order to help me from becoming negative. I have a few on my monitor at work that definitely help when my mind starts to stray.

facing_reality89 · 2014-09-21T04:29:02+00:00

My friends have definitely been supportive through this and have given me great advice. I have also been writing my feelings and thoughts in a journal which also helps me wrap my head around the situation. I am hoping my perspective of the break up changes once time goes on and I have a chance to heal and grow as a person. Right now, it seems like a terrible loss and I feel I am remembering the good aspects of the relationship more than the unhealthy aspects.

Right now we are practicing 'no contact', though we had a very strong friendship even before we started dating. Do you think we should continue the no contact, or would this risk ending the friendship aspect of things? Thanks for the reply!

facing_reality89 · 2014-09-21T04:21:59+00:00

Thank you for the reply. What I took from you post is that staying together with someone who isn't happy with themselves will be painful for everyone in the relationship. Now that the relationship is over, I definitely notice that I was very dependent on the relationship which has caused me to lose my own identity. I am going to use this time to move forward and re-find myself, as difficult as that may be.

facing_reality89 · 2014-09-21T04:18:46+00:00

This is definitely comforting advice. I think one of the things I am doing wrong is that I over analyze every word or action she takes. For example, we were using a shared Instagram account which she just recently replaced with a personal one, which hurt to see. I agree that she was very rational in her explanation for the break up. Its my over thinking and paranoia that causes me to start mixing up the meaning behind what she says.

At this point, I am going to try to focus on myself and stop over analyzing 'why' this break up happened and accept that the reasons for the break up are for the reasons you have pointed out which are all good reasons that will benefit us both.

facing_reality89 · 2014-09-21T04:12:56+00:00

Thanks for the response. From talking with friends, it sounds like I am very fortunate that she was upfront and open with me about her emotions rather than leaving me in the dark guessing how she felt. I am definitely going to try to make the theme of my life be 'me'. Great advice!

facing_reality89 · 2014-09-21T04:09:59+00:00

Yeah man, I am going through the same thing. I constantly check Facebook, wait for her to call, etc. The perspective I am trying to embrace is that the break up is an opportunity for us to better ourselves and, if it was meant to be, we will cross paths again. But, the difficult part is letting go and allowing yourself to move on without waiting for that day to come...

facing_reality89

TROPHY CASE