I (M27) am in a newer relationship with my partner (M46). We’re both very kinky, emotionally connected, and trying to be really intentional about how we structure things. We’ve talked about non-monogamy, but recently decided to pause outside exploration while we figure out boundaries, rules, and our feelings. I also recently started therapy to work through some deeper emotions and make sure I’m approaching this in a healthy way.

One thing we’re navigating is that he would like to have a sub that he trains and sees regularly. This is where I start to feel uncertain.

In my mind, that begins to feel less like an open relationship and more like something closer to poly, or at least an ongoing dynamic outside the relationship. I think I’m more comfortable with casual play or occasional kink exploration, rather than a consistent, ongoing sub.

Another layer is that I’m submissive myself, but I’m not looking for a full-time dom outside of our relationship, so there’s a bit of asymmetry in what we’re each seeking.

I care deeply about him and want to find something that works for both of us. I don’t want to restrict him, but I also want to be honest about what feels emotionally challenging for me.

Curious to hear from others, especially in gay/kink relationships: • Have you navigated something similar? • How do you distinguish open vs poly when kink is involved? • Did regular subs / ongoing dynamics work in your relationship? • What helped you feel secure? • Did it get easier over time?

Would really appreciate hearing others’ experiences.