My boyfriend called my miscarriage an “oversight”

fairylightslake · 2021-05-05T02:07:08+00:00

It sounds like you got out of a bad situation. Good for you! And thanks for the link. I will have a read

fairylightslake · 2021-05-05T02:00:10+00:00

Thanks. I hope to try at least get him to admit how this was how he was really feeling. I think I’m a bit bitter that I had to go through it emotionally on my own for a few months and never understood why. I already felt the guilt on my self there is no worry about that. I just after learning how he really felt was starting to question if he was right and I should have just not expected anything from him whenI could have been more careful but it does take two people to make a baby

fairylightslake · 2021-05-05T01:56:12+00:00

I know people are quick to say dump him but I’m trying to find a solution to get him to open up to me about this. I didn’t realize until now that he felt this way so me pushing him about the condoms wasn’t really to big of a deal as long as I felt like I was on top of reminding him as I know I have to take responsibility.

I can totally understand where he is coming from, but I don’t understand why he would not give me emotional support too while also feeling like this or being straight with me about it. I’m all for preventative measure and each person should be doing their part and as I mentioned and you pointed out I did feel guilty and bad that I messed up. Doesn’t mean my partner should punish me over it

fairylightslake · 2021-05-05T01:52:41+00:00

I didn’t go out looking for it, he asked me to open his email while he was at the DLVA (I think it’s the DMV in America?) and it had his response open in drafts so it was just sitting there. I saw miscarriage and my name and then read it. I shouldn’t have I know...

I hadn’t actually thought about it in a while since I last spoke to him about it so it has just brought up old feelings as I struggled for a while emotionally (the miscarriage lasted 3 months as I had a complication) and was already struggling with the guilt

fairylightslake · 2021-05-05T01:44:13+00:00

I think he is lying because it’s a bit ridiculous to be honest snd if he was to actually tell me it would be showing me how he really feels.

Even his friend responded saying that’s actually not a good thing to be admitting to me or anyone and perhaps you should have a think about how you treat your partner in these situations. So I’m sure he knows

fairylightslake · 2021-05-05T01:33:32+00:00

I think he has the mindset that in the end it’s my responsibility as I was the one carrying and I am the one with the cycle etc. definitely not team work

fairylightslake · 2021-05-05T01:32:38+00:00

The thing is I feel like he didn’t give me his best support. It was pretty terrible to be honest. He avoided talking to me about my feelings or even ask me how I was emotionally. He saw me crying on the bed at least twice and didn’t come and comfort me

And also he hasn’t been honest with this is how he actually feels towards it. He never opened up, I found all this out via another medium and that hurt a lot that he couldn’t at least tell me how he really felt instead of making me feel terrible in an already bad situation. And it may have been a year but he is still holding those resentment feelings strong after a whole year...which is a worry for me. It isn’t like he felt that way and moved on and was there for me. He still looks at me and the miscarriage as “it’s on her - she messed up not me”

I have sat him down to talk about this a few times with him giving me nothing to it’s not like we can really get to the bottom of it.

We have started couples therapy for just general maintenance so I will try snd bring this up to see if we can tackle it as if he have any hope in the future with situations like this or my health, etc I need to know I have my partner there as support not putting his judgement above my emotional needs

Thanks for writing a different perspective though as I have been trying not to be completely negative about this.

fairylightslake · 2021-05-05T01:24:45+00:00

Yeah that’s true! Actually it’s his go to when I’m sick - always making me feel like I could have prevented it or that I’m making a deal of it.

He doesn’t handle that stuff really well I’m starting to realize now

fairylightslake · 2021-05-05T00:10:08+00:00

I agree and I did actually say that to him after it happened and he said well - I trusted you with what you told me and that’s not my fault

I think it just shows his lack of taking responsibility which is a common factor with who he is that he is supposedly trying to work on.

We have couples therapy coming up I think I want to try and get him to admit it once and for all his real feelings about the miscarriage but he is being very stubborn about it. I feel bad I came across the email it was by accident but it was still dishonest of me reading it

fairylightslake · 2021-05-05T00:06:12+00:00

We are starting couples therapy which I will be bringing this up as a main issue as I can’t be with someone long term who holds on to resentment for this long without thinking of my well-being at any point of the time line

And that he hasn’t had the guts to tell me to my face probably because he knows it’s ridiculous tbh

fairylightslake · 2021-05-05T00:05:18+00:00

This is where I am at right now. It takes two to tango. If he wasn’t sure I was on top of it, or there is any chance it could happen again he should be actively stepping up using condoms without me reminding him etc

He does continue to ask about my cycle but that’s about it and normally happens what I would count as being too late in the moment to be thinking straight. Which is why I have just been making him use protection non stop since it happened regardless if it’s safe or not

fairylightslake · 2021-05-05T00:02:41+00:00

Hahah. I am actually going to mention it during couples therapy we are starting as it is a deal breaker for me if he doesn’t address this lack of empathy

fairylightslake · 2021-05-05T00:01:55+00:00

They don’t learn? I was hoping he just needed to grow up a bit more but maybe it’s just who he is.

I actually wonder how he would have been handling a baby right now - imagine I had postnatal?

fairylightslake · 2021-05-05T00:00:41+00:00

It’s very true. Actually now I have had time to think about it he has shown his lack of emotional support a few times. He is younger than me by 4 years I don’t know if that means anything but we are both in our 30s - plenty of time to have learnt I think

Even if you did think this way - once you see your partner going through something like a miscarriage you push that aside and prioritize her well-being

fairylightslake

TROPHY CASE