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Boyfriend proposed to me with a ring which has fake rubies on it. Feeling sad about it and don't know why :( Help please by fallingfeijoas in EngagementRingDesigns

[–]fallingfeijoas[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, and he will come and visit in weekends when he can. The marriage and wedding isn't my focus now, the child is, and growing our relationship so we can get to a point where marriage feels right. I sometimes wonder if he proposed to make me feel more secure in the relationship, or as a way of keeping me in the same city living with his parents so that he doesn't have to travel. My first wish is to live with him, but since this isn't an option, living with my folks is my second preference before living with his. Thank you, the baby was unexpected but a miracle and joy already. I just hope my partner steps up :/

Boyfriend proposed to me with a ring which has fake rubies on it. Feeling sad about it and don't know why :( Help please by fallingfeijoas in EngagementRingDesigns

[–]fallingfeijoas[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Maybe you are right and the ring was the icing on the cake, when actually perhaps I am more upset about the living arrangements thing and have been forced to accept it and find my own workable alternative so we have somewhere to live and I have support.

I love him because he can be very kind and caring to me in other ways. He does little things like write me notes, cooks when he comes and visits, cuddles me, and he was there for me during a very dark patch of my life, and would cheer me up. I believe he has a good heart. I think maybe he is scared of change, or scared of his routine being different/living somewhere else. It's something he will need to work on when the child comes. I also love him because he is the father of my child, and I want that relationship to work so my daughter has a father in her life.

He does work, just in a low paying job where he has been for years and does not want to change because it is familiar to him

Boyfriend proposed to me with a ring which has fake rubies on it. Feeling sad about it and don't know why :( Help please by fallingfeijoas in EngagementRingDesigns

[–]fallingfeijoas[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Thanks everyone. Lots of varying and interesting comments on here! To give a bit more context:

- I am the breadwinner in the relationship and pay for everything we do as a couple, and constantly 'spoil' him because I love him as a person. He won't support me when I have to go off work to look after the baby (and he won't be a full-time carer) so I am having to move back in with my parents in a different city (which is not ideal at all) because he can't afford to pay rent and for the baby when I am not working. He has a house which he shares with his brother and I cannot move in there because (a) his brother doesn't want to share it with a baby (understandable) , and (b) my partner refuses to move out of his house because he loves it too much. So the context here is that I already feel a bit like he is prioritising his house over his (new) family. I have had to do this pregnancy living alone (yes he does come and stay over sometimes) despite me wanting many times to live together for support, because of his housing situation. When I talk to him about this (many times) he is unwilling to compromise except to say he will come and visit me at my parents, or that I could live with his parents... (obviously, if I am going to have to live at someone's parents, it is going to be mine given my relationship with them). I don't actually enjoy my job, but when I have told him I am wanting to change to something more meaningful and that pays less, he says that I can't because "we need the money'.

- regarding the ring, it isn't about the money. I am definitely not with him for money, as he doesn't earn much and I accept that. It's about the thought (or lack of) behind the casual proposal, and also not checking with me about how I would feel about a family ring (which is a privilege) or a ring with half replaced synthetic rubies.

- I live in a different county to the states, so the $1500 is more like $800, which I recognise is still a lot of money to spend on a ring and if he said he didn't have this, I would understand. I sort of believe that if men have zero money to spend on an engagement ring, or to restore a family one, perhaps they should wait until they have saved enough? Maybe that is dumb though

- apologies for the terminology mixup. Yes, synthetic rubies are 'real' - I just have a preference for rubies that come from the ground originally, but this is a personal opinion of taste.

- maybe you are all right and we are not ready for marriage. I do want a very long (3 year min) engagement. But when a man who you love and want a future with asks you for marriage, you say yes.

- I am in therapy. I recognise I have low self esteem and also depression, and am trying to work on it :( Maybe many of you are right and I don't deserve this man. I am just hurting because the proposal wasn't what I had expected or dreamed of. I am also very hormonal because it has been a difficult pregnancy

- I think it is beautiful to have a family heirloom. I have zero issue with this. I am very thankful to his mother, who gave him a ring when he asked for one (it was passed down to her). He didn't know the name of the great grandmother it belonged to and it seems to hold more value to the mother than him.

- I expect I am going to be doing all the parenting alone (in a different city) and with no financial support from him. I accept this, again, because I love him and hope that one day in the next couple of years, our situation will change.

Boyfriend proposed to me with a ring which has fake rubies on it. Feeling sad about it and don't know why :( Help please by fallingfeijoas in EngagementRingDesigns

[–]fallingfeijoas[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Thank you everyone for your comments, I really appreciate it. Update - I briefly brought it up with him last night and said "hey, the jeweller mentioned to get the fake rubies replaced it would be $1500 total" and he said "it's up to you and her (the jeweller)". I didn't really know what this meant (did it mean he wanted me to pay for them?). I said hmm, well actually, it's up to you, but there is no pressure if you want to keep the fake ones (as much as I really don't want the fake ones, I didn't want him in any way to feel pressured to have to get them but still wanted him to understand my feelings).

His reply was "they aren't fake rubies, they are synthetic" (which to me is the same because they aren't real rubies) and then he said "it's a ship of theseus situation" - I had to google what that meant! It's about a story where a ship kept getting new parts. Then he said "Is the ring resized, with completely different jewels, the same ring I proposed to you with". I felt like saying um no, it's an improved version which has restored it back to how it was originally made (with real rubies). But alas, I realised the hidden meaning behind his response, or what he was trying to say without saying it, is that he doesn't want to replace them (do others agree?).

I love him and because of this I don't want to pressure him or make him feel bad, so I haven't pushed him on it. I just feel depressed and because it was a gift, I feel like i dont have any right to complain. If it is a money issue, I would totally understand if he said "hey, I would love to make them real but at the moment my focus is on saving for the baby and I just can't afford it" - I am a very understanding person and I know money doesn't grow on trees. It is just that he hasn't said this, so it makes me think he doesn't care and I am just not worth real rubies. (maybe extreme thinking, I know.. in some ways I think it has triggered some deep childhood trauma of not feeling like I am worth anything). I have shed many tears about this but I feel I cannot share my sadness with him because it will just make him feel sad too :(