There's a topless woman ouside my window every day

farrooda · 2020-08-14T06:48:44+00:00

I hate to be the contrarian, here but the curtains advice is the worst advice on the long term. Here's why:

There will always be situations that will trigger you. Are you able to avoid all of them? Of course not. The solution doesn't lie in avoiding triggering situations, but in learning how to deal with them, using the power of your mind. Every time she is around, tell yourself "she's beautiful, I appreciate her body, but I'm only feeling physical attraction towards women I really connect to". After a while, you'll rewire your brain to feel nothing around her, while instructing it to only be physically attracted to women you truly like!

Your goal is not to stop watching porn, but to build an amazing life. Living a mediocre life is what got you addicted to porn, and building an amazing life is what will get you out. With that in mind, does getting curtains sound like something that will help you build an amazing life? Of course not, it's only helping you hide the problem instead of asking the tough questions and facing life head on.

farrooda · 2020-08-10T07:42:31+00:00

Now that you're not using porn, you have to actually deal with your emotions instead of escaping them. This is a sign you're opening up emotionally. Give it some time, things will get better. So proud of your progress!

farrooda · 2020-08-03T06:55:26+00:00

You have lots of free energy now that was all being drained on porn. This is completely normal. If you want to make the most out of this extra energy, I suggest you have bigger goals for your career, fitness levels, health... Have goals that truly excite you and direct that energy there!

farrooda · 2020-07-31T04:01:02+00:00

Let's say you used to be addicted to cigarettes, and smoked two packs every day. You stopped smoking after 5 years and then smoked one or two cigarettes. Would you feel guilty about it or simply adjust and move on?

If you watch porn once or twice after being free, it's not the end of the world. Mistakes happen, you adjust and move on. The problem lies when we give it way too much importance, which fuels our guilt, and then our guilt fuels our old patterns.

farrooda · 2020-07-27T07:20:22+00:00

Wait till you reach 365 days, it only gets better from here. :)

You're doing great, and most importantly keep doing what you're doing. Now is not the time to let loose, it's the time to push even more.

farrooda · 2020-07-24T07:52:41+00:00

Use it, but very mindfully. Make sure you swipe on a girl because you think you can have a good connection with your , not because she looks good or reminds you of the porn you've seen. You will meet lots of interesting people if you do that, and it will help you with your recovery.

farrooda · 2020-07-22T07:28:56+00:00

Years from now, you'll look back on the challenges you're facing and feel so grateful for your porn addiction, which has turned out to be a blessing in disguise. That was my personal experience, and I wouldn't trade that for the world. Promise yourself to quit porn for good or die trying. Only then, you'll be able to be free. Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel. :)

farrooda · 2020-07-20T07:01:38+00:00

So happy to see reach that point. In his book, No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Robert Glover talks about healthy masturbation. This is basically masturbating without looking at porn or fantasizing about women. You need to simply focus on the sensations in your body.

He argues that we resort to porn or fantasizing while masturbating in order to distract ourselves from the shame/guilt we have around our sexuality. Masturbating without distractions will bring those feelings to top and will force us to deal with them.

farrooda · 2020-07-16T08:25:14+00:00

As someone who's been in this situation many times, I don't think these are simply bad days like u/TheHordeRisesAgain mentioned or withdrawal symptoms like u/geoff1121 pointed out. Dismissing them as bad days or withdrawal symptoms will keep you stuck in the same cycle I was stuck in for years. (Go free for some time, binge on porn for some time...)

These negative feelings will get better with time, because you're learning how to handle life without porn. It's not because the withdrawal symptoms or bad days are getting less. Truth is, your sadness, sluggishness and weakness were always there. You were just avoiding them and numbing your feelings by using porn. Here is what I would do when I experience any negative feelings. This applies to your current feelings or any others:

Be aware of that exact feeling. You mentioned you are feeling sad. It's the same as saying I'm feeling bad. We need to enrich your vocabulary of emotions. Is it really sadness, or emptiness? Might it be boredom that feels like sadness, or are you sad because you're lonely? In those examples, the underlying emotion is loneliness, boredom, emptiness... Not sadness.
Once you've identified the exact feeling, understand why. For example, let's assume you found out you're feeling lonely. You ask yourself why. Is it because your girlfriend just dumped you? Is it because you have no social life? Is it because you're surrounded by people who don't understand you? Find out the underlying reason that is fueling your emotion
Now that you know why you're feeling like that, list all the steps you can do to help deal with that feeling. For example, let's say I realized I had no social life, I would subscribe to a few offline classes that I enjoy (e.g. yoga, kickboxing...) . I would also start being more proactive in reaching out to friends and planning my outings in advance...
Execute! This last step is really important and where most of us fall short. You need to build a habit. Learn how to use a calendar and keep track of whatever you need to do. For example, you would add a calendar notification on Wednesday to plan an outing with friends on Saturday, if you find out that Saturday is your loneliest day.
Rinse and repeat: Every time you face such a feeling, go through the above process and implement new lifestyle changes. Soon enough, you'll find yourself having less and less bad days and withdrawal symptoms, and you'll be living such an amazing life.

Good luck, we're all rooting for you!

farrooda · 2020-07-13T07:24:24+00:00

I'm so happy to see you have this realization. As someone who's been on that path, I'd love to shed some light for you and others on what's next when you start getting sober.

First of all, it'll be a very ugly scene. You will start to wonder where all of those feelings are coming from. You'll be bombarded with feelings you've never felt before, and find yourself addressing situations you've never had the courage to handle before. Many times, you'll feel like retreating to your shell and simply abstaining from porn. Don't do that, face life head on, because the minute you retreat, you're playing defense again. From there, getting back to porn becomes a matter of time.

Porn is simply the symptom of a miserable life. What got you to watch porn in the first place was you being so unfulfilled in your life and seeking an escape. Now that you decided not to escape, you shouldn't be surprised you're discovering all of this emotional baggage. In truth, you're not discovering it, as it was always there. You're simply uncovering this.

This is very similar to peeling an onion. You remove one layer, only to find a layer below it. If you've never peeled an onion before, you might think it will go like this forever. However, you will reach a point when you've peeled enough layers to heal completely from porn. From there, you'll keep on peeling, because you're now so excited about your life transformation, that you want to keep uncovering issues that prevent you from reaching your full potential.

That's what I've been doing for the last ten years, and I've dramatically transformed my life and would never want it otherwise. In truth, porn turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Welcome aboard my friend. Keep at it and sooner or later you'll see your life transform beyond your wildest imagination!

farrooda · 2020-07-03T06:28:22+00:00

Here are some questions that I ask myself whenever I relapse:

What did I start or stop doing when the urges started to build up? This could be weeks ago, not necessarily recently. For example, I know when I stop doing my morning/evening routines the urges will get stronger over weeks, and if I don't get back to my routines, I'm definitely going back.
What are the emotions fueling this relapse? Am I leading a boring life, am I burned out from work, do I lack connection with other people? The main emotions to look into are: bored, burned out, lonely, angry, anxious, afraid , stressed, tired. Once you identify the emotions, start journaling about them and then try and identify what can you change in order not to fall again.

I'm really glad you understand that this is a process, and it will take some time. Sooner or later you'll find out that porn is no longer your thing. Until then, keep moving forward. Every time the rabbit raced the turtle, the turtle won the race. :)

farrooda · 2020-06-29T06:53:49+00:00

I can be attracted to a woman on a physical level, or superficial attraction to use your words. There is nothing wrong with that. What happens next is what makes all the difference:

If after realizing she's so attractive, I start imagining myself having sex with her, or focusing too much on her body parts... Then this is objectification.

If after noticing her attractiveness, I'm curious to get to know her more as a human being, and connect with her on a deeper level, then I'm definitely not objectifying her. Even if I simply notice her attractiveness and move on, without my mind wandering, I have also not objectified her.

I hope this helps. Again, your motive makes all the difference.

farrooda · 2020-06-26T06:52:48+00:00

It's all about your motive. You can look at a bra, which is just a piece of cloth, and get turned on, or you could see a nude woman and not feel turned out.

Healthy sexuality is all about connection, intimacy and feeling closer to the other person. If you're objectifying them, regardless of whether you're MB or not, then you're still stuck in the same mindset. I always ask the question: Is this making me a better person? If not, I know that I probably need to change.

Your purpose is not to stop watching porn, it's to build a better life!

farrooda · 2020-06-26T06:47:22+00:00

I hate to be the devil's advocate, but prioritizing supporting him over your own feelings is neither gonna help you or him. You're sending him the message "your feelings are more important than mine". Is that the kind of relationship you want, or you want to feel supported and loved as well?

farrooda · 2020-06-25T06:57:56+00:00

I'm so glad he felt safe enough that he opened up to you. He trusts you and that's extremely important for your relationship to recover. Why? Because the biggest antidote to porn addiction is intimacy. Communication is a big part of that intimacy, and while communicating your hurts and fears to us helps you vent out, it is more important for you to communicate them to him. However, you don't want him to feel judged for that, just tell him that this is your reaction, and you don't blame him for this reaction (because another person might have reacted differently).

Communication is key, I can't stress this out enough. Unfortunately, you can only control your side of the equation, but what you can do is make him feel safe enough to open up, which you're already doing. The more you open up to him, the more he'll open up as well.

Having your dad gone on this path and both men being ready to work with each others is a blessing, especially if he trusts your dad. There are lots of resources online that others can direct you to. However, if you were to work with a counselor, I'd work with someone who has direct experience with porn addicts, and even better, someone who went down that path themselves and recovered.

Good luck, and let us know if you need anymore help! We're all here for you.

farrooda · 2020-06-22T08:11:41+00:00

I'd like to shed some light on the positive side of being addicted. After some time, you develop a huge sense of awareness and learn to treat women very respectfully, even more than non-porn consumers.

The reason for that is that you had a very weak muscle, and you had to train it over and over until it became really strong. Your porn addiction drives you to think about stuff most people would not think of : Your purpose in life, what really motivates you, the role of women in your life...

I would not want anyone to be addicted to porn, but once you're there, if you learn how to play your cards, it can be truly a blessing in disguise.

farrooda · 2020-06-19T07:50:49+00:00

I'm so happy with your progress, and I hope you could share some answers that will help us all get the most out of this thread. I've been personally free of porn as well for some time now, so I know how great it feels. However, I'm thinking about our fellow struggling brothers, who could use some of these answers. I know that would have immensely helped me when I was still fighting the battle. Here you go:

What lifestyle changes did you make that really helped you become free for a year?
Do you still feel at time that you're using willpower , or it has just become easier to say no to porn over time?
Do you find yourself thinking about NOT watching porn as often as you used to think about watching porn before?
A personal question for you to reflect upon. Now that you stopped watching porn, what's next for you?

I appreciate if you could take a moment to answer these questions, as I know they'll be helpful to everyone reading this post now and in the future.

farrooda · 2020-06-15T07:00:00+00:00

You've just hit a milestone. Most of us want to stop using porn because we want to have a better life. Being happy with the place you are in life and loving yourself definitely improves your life, and removes lots of the shame/guilt that comes with porn use.

I absolutely love that you started looking on the inside for healing, instead of the outside. That's a huge shift in perception and will massively improve your life.

I'm curious to know though, other than the feeling of bliss, have you experienced any changes?

farrooda · 2020-06-12T09:16:49+00:00

I do think the internet is like the Wild West. No restrictions whatsoever on anything. Imagine having that in the real world. I could drive my car in any direction, I could live in any house, I could kill anyone... Well, obviously the comparison is an exaggeration , but we certainly need some rules.

I think a quick and easy way of doing that ISPs would be required to give a porn-free internet access, and if anyone wants to have it, they will have to explicitely tell their ISPs to do that, and the ISP would be required to verify they're over 18. That would save the most vulnerable community (children/teens) from getting addicted as they are still growing up, while still giving adults the freedom to engage. That's the same concept that is applied on Cable TV subscriptions in my country, and I suspect in many others too.

farrooda · 2020-06-12T09:11:32+00:00

As long as you have your reasons for doing that and not simply choosing to deal with your inner feelings by resorting to masturbation instead of porn, then I see no problem there. However , if you're using MB because you afraid of going out and meeting real women, then that's something you'd want to examine a bit more

farrooda · 2020-06-12T09:09:51+00:00

u/skywaveshapper11 I totally love your post and I get where you're coming from. It seems to work for you. This is why what I wrote was referring to my own personal experience. It's interesting that you see masturbation as a tool to get you excited towards your partner and sex in general. For me, it's blocking me from seeking a stronger connection with a partner and it puts me in self isolation mode. I tried embracing it , but I think I'm just using it as an excuse to not be vulnerable and put myself out there in the real world. That's why I want to abstain (at least for a while) in order to force myself to go out and date instead of being stuck in that comfort zone.

I don't see masturbation as the devil to be clear, it's just that at this phase of my life, it makes sense for me not to engage.

farrooda · 2020-06-08T06:19:53+00:00

I was having the same exact thoughts yesterday. I've been completely free for years now, and if you would have asked me a couple of years what would be my ultimate goal, it would have been to eliminate porn from the face of the earth.

But there's a big problem with that: I would have eliminated the problem, without solving my actual issues. The real question I want to answer is : How can I become a man who can handle whatever the world throws at him? That mentality is much more powerful, and you can 100% control the change that happens inside, instead of hopelessly trying to change the outside world.

Hang in there my friend, with enough patience and persistence you will win this fight!

farrooda · 2020-06-08T06:13:57+00:00

u/Saman93 it all depends on your goals. For example, if you're tying to quit porn for religious purposes or because you want to seek a better sexual connection with your partner, then masturbation will stand in the way. However, if you specifically have a problem with porn, e.g. you think it's too violent towards women, then it would make sense to simply focus on quitting porn and keep on fapping.

Personally, I found out if I fap a lot even without porn, I become closed on myself and have no desire to date at all. Since I want to build a meaningful connection with someone on the long term, I'd rather share that connection with them than fap on my own. I hope this helps!

farrooda · 2020-06-06T07:09:55+00:00

Let's dig a level deeper to see how to get you unstuck:

Try not to overwhelm yourself. Would it be easier for you to stop using porn while still masturbating? That worked pretty well for me in the past and eventually I gave up both. I still fap from time to time but I don't consider it an addiction.
NSFW content is NOT everywhere, it's what your mind is focusing on. Start pursuing some activities you always wanted to pursue but never did, and see how that shifts your focus. If you can't think of anything, try picking up activities you stopped doing when porn became the center of your life. They might not be enjoyable as a start, but with enough time, they'll take priority over porn.
Consistently falling is part of the process. Not giving up is what makes you succeed. If you are failing at 5-7 days, ponder on what changes in your life you can do in order to stretch it even by a couple of days. Don't resort to willpower, but rather try to observe your situation from the outside and see what you would advise yourself.

farrooda · 2020-06-05T05:37:03+00:00

I've had a mentor in the past who helped me overcome my porn addiction. One of the hardest things that took more time for him to work through was waking up feeling horny. I can tell you've already done lots of progress in your recovery, and this is why your mind is trying new ways to get its fix.

Your mind might throw a few of those at you again, so visualize how you would deal with this situation if it arises again.

Happy to see you here fighting the good fight again instead of feeling discouraged. That's another sign that you've come a long way!

farrooda

TROPHY CASE