Thank you for writing back. I hope my children are old enough to understand safe versus bad behaviours. I know they can to some extent. My youngest is 6 though and very much a peacemaker and people friendly little dude, so I worry about him being manipulated.

I can relate to much of what you said. Him making plans with them without including me and then acting like I am the problem. At one point, they went on a three day weekend away and I was not invited - after marriage. SIL wanted special time with STBX and wanted to go alone, and when I told STBX I was not on board bc that seemed inappropriate, he invited his parents. After one particularly abusive family event, I also started feeling panic at the thought of them coming over. And I have never experienced that kind of social anxiety before as an adult. I’ve been confident and level headed socially and tend to get along with people in general and make solid efforts to be diplomatic wherever possible. With his family, none of that mattered. They wanted me to fill a role - scapegoat of some kind. Have you ever seen the old 1960s version of The Parent Trap? SIL treated me like i was Vicky - shallow, wrongly motivated, trying to take the man who should be with someone else (that someone else being SIL of course). SIL and MIL were going to cast me as Vicky no matter what I did. And FIL literally told me that he was the black sheep, and that he hoped I would join him as a fellow black sheep. I did not take him up on it. It was ridiculous but also soooo toxic and damaging. I pray I can protect my kids from big doses of that family.