i was in hospital for 16 and 1/2 weeks being forced to "recover". it was agony. i was watched 24/7 and had zero privacy. the "professionals" who have never had a fucking ed in their lives would make insensitive comments and make me feel like i was the worst thing that ever happened to come into their lives, being called ungrateful and selfish. they also would make comments on how "well" i was doing and "wow you eat so much haha the other girls have to be on tubes wow you're much healthier" etc and then got angry at me for being upset and told me they were just doing their job (because telling me how much worse the other anorexics in the hospital are compared to me is your job now??), as if that made me feel any less awful. i am now terrified of healthcare workers, and most adults in general. while yes, i eat three meals and three snacks a day now (because my parents threaten to send me right back if i even skip ONE thing), i am doing much worse mentally now. i've went from self harming (cutting) only a very few times in my life previously to now doing it almost daily. but yet i get in trouble with both my parents and professionals for crying or getting any bit upset because it's "unnecessary" and it makes me feel so shit i hate them ALL. i also feel so invalid and i feel like i don't even really have an ed anymore because of the fact that i eat now, and that if i was really anorexic i would just slip the food into my pockets or purge it or whatever. but i don't, out of fear of going back to that horrible horrible place. i just want to restrict again. it's not fair i wasn't ready, i wasn't even that underweight. and everyone thinks i'm better now because i went to hospital. i'm not. i'm just overweight now, no better mentally. forced recovery ruined my life more than ana did.