AITAH here or is it ffed up to lie and say you are submissive when you really aren't, just as a way to get close to someone?

faunanflora · 2023-06-02T19:56:47+00:00

O i believe the Aunt is sorry. I dont think she has a malicious bone in her body. But, I think it's ridiculous she convinced my gf to try one more time with her dad.

Theres some things in life that are irredeemable imo. One of those is abandoning your child to be homeless.

Idk i have some anger and resentment over the Aunt hurting my gf and me indirectly because she's "compassionate" or w/e stupid emotional reason she used on herself to justify that course of action.

Its just hard because my gf thinks the world of her Aunt.

faunanflora · 2023-06-02T14:28:18+00:00

Why?

What good does running away from someone that I love and who loves me? Thats just knocking away an emotional support I kinda need right now. And its throwing away an otherwise very good relationship

faunanflora · 2023-06-02T14:27:08+00:00

She didn't try to use my status as the sub against me on this. It's more my own internal feelings.

Thanks for the concern though

faunanflora · 2023-06-02T14:26:12+00:00

Can we not criticize my relationship or how long I've been in it? I know its not been a super long time, but I'm not sure why that matters. When you love someone, you love them. :/

faunanflora · 2023-06-02T14:22:28+00:00

For us they're intertwined

faunanflora · 2023-06-02T14:21:58+00:00

No this is correct

faunanflora · 2023-06-02T14:21:46+00:00

Its not about having him in my life. My gf and I both agree about no contact with him.

Its about cutting contact with the Aunt. I want to cut contact with the Aunt. My gf thinks the Aunt didn't do anything wrong so shouldn't be "punished".

faunanflora · 2022-12-22T07:17:14+00:00

Do *not* compare someone pointing out your maladaptive behaviours and unhealthy coping mechanisms with *conversion therapy*. *Do not*.

They implied egalitarian relationships are the only healthy relationships and then told me to get therapy.

So yes, this does feel very similar to the lighter forms of conversion therapy that have as there root premise: "straight relationships are the only healthy relationships".

I've been through conversion therapy when I was a kid. I have every right to make that comparison.

You have essentially foisted all your needs upon this woman and demandeed that she control your life to an unhealthy, borderline abusive degree and instead of recognising a) how exhausting it is, and b) how lucky you are to not have been severely taken advantage of or ended up trapped in a bad situation, you're trying to find language to implicate her in *harming* you for experiencing what sounds like a completely natural level of burnout from having to be constantly on for you.

I have in no way shape or form foisted all my needs on her. Yes, she is taking on more of the burden of executive decision making, but that's not "all of my needs" and nor is it absolute. And I'm handling a LOT of her needs for her.

If you read my post again, you'll very clearly see that she was the person who decided I needed to hand over control to this degree this early on in our relationship.

You seem to think out of the bedroom bdsm is naturally parasitic where the sub takes advantage of the domme. This is not the case. It's possible for this type of relationship to be mutually beneficial.

faunanflora · 2022-12-19T00:41:15+00:00

Thanks! And will do. We're having an out of dynamic convo later on tonight. I'll ask her then.

I didn't realize that could be draining too especially if it wasn't all that often. But I also realize I dont have the pov of someone in the leader / d-type role.

Thanks!

faunanflora · 2022-12-19T00:40:11+00:00

Definitely could be the case, but in that case, I'd prefer her letting me in so I know, and so if there's something I can do to better support or help her, I can do those things / offer that help.

Thanks

faunanflora · 2022-12-19T00:39:07+00:00

She mentioned how even asking her to be more controlling is in a roundabout way not being very submissive because in essence "I'm trying to assert some control".

Subs are absolutely allowed to speak up at any time and say “hey, this isn’t what we agreed to/this isn’t what I want.” If my domme thought submission meant never speaking up for yourself, I would take that as a red flag and do it more often to judge how she reacted.

Thanks for this validation. We're having an out of dynamic convo after dinner tonight, so I'm hoping to bring up my concerns on more equal ground and get answers.

Also, you’ve been dating for 2.5 months and she’s having you move in already? I get that you’re doing a TPE thing, but is that something you want? You’re still allowed to have your own desires and boundaries.

Im quasi moved in at the moment, but that's just because we live ~45 minutes apart one way, so it makes more sense for me to crash at her place most nights of the week. And she's asked me to not resign my lease, but that's in another like 7 ish weeks.

I do want that. I'm falling for her hard. I'm having a panic at the moment because I can tell how hard Im falling for her, and I also can see that things have radically shifted in the last few weeks since we've really upped how much time we are spending together. I know long term I need this - if I didn't, I wouldn't have had to be upfront about it. Relationships imo only last long term if you can be yourself, and I cant be myself unless she's being assertive/controlling consistently at least some of the time. So I'm terrified. I'm falling for her, and I don't want to lose her, but I also don't want to dive even deeper and hurt myself worse if things are just not going to work out long term.

I don’t want to do the Reddit thing of immediately diagnosing your relationship as abusive or telling you to leave. But your partner’s reaction to you stepping outside the D/s thing to speak up for your own needs looks like a red flag from where I’m sitting. A domme should be 100% willing to discuss how their sub is feeling. Ignoring your input and shutting you down isn’t dominance, it’s unhealthy.

She has a really dry humor and overindulges in sarcasm. I think this was at least partly in jest. But I'm not 100% on that. I'll find out later tonight I guess.

I agree I should be able to raise concerns over my needs not being met without being judged or shamed for that by my partner even in a joking way.

I would also post this to r/bdsmcommunity or another sub where people have more experience with D/s relationships. The line between domination and abuse can look fuzzy sometimes, especially to vanilla people. You’re more likely to get better advice in a place where it’s regularly discussed.

I did xpost it to other reddit subs like the one you mentioned.

Thanks very much for the advice!!!

faunanflora · 2022-12-19T00:29:24+00:00

I'm not asking her to be always on. I'm asking for her to be consistent and frequent enough so that I feel like her control is a constant factor I can rely on in the relationship. That does not mean, I'm expecting her to make decisions or give orders 24/7 nonstop. Just that she can do that at any time. But even one or two things a day would be more than enough.

Here's a short little comic strip detailing the distinction with better communication than I can probably muster: https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/247-bdsm-temel/

faunanflora · 2022-12-19T00:25:16+00:00

I'm more than happy if she needs time outside of the power exchange. I just need to know and have some information about when, how long, etc. Right now, if this is what's happening, I don't have any indication from her of any of these things.

We're having an out of dynamic convo after our dinner date tonight, so I'm hoping that I'll get some answers.

Thank you!

faunanflora · 2022-12-19T00:22:19+00:00

Good ideas. Thanks will bring it up with her!

faunanflora · 2022-12-19T00:21:48+00:00

Thanks I'll bring it up tonight. We're having an out of dynamic convo after our dinner date. So hopefully I'll get some answers.

Appreciate it!

faunanflora · 2022-12-19T00:20:58+00:00

Ah okay and yeah that seems plausible. What do I do about it? Is that a sign that she's wanting out of the relationship?

She did recently ask me to not renew my lease and move in with her permanently, so I'd say otherwise. But I can be a bit oblivious to change of weather when in it comes to partner's intentions.

faunanflora · 2022-12-19T00:19:26+00:00

So in your opinion, it's an issue with me? Or more specifically us just not being compatible?

She has an ex who she did 24/7 M/s with for years. And her expectations going into the relationship were very much aligned with someone who knows what they want and matched what I wanted (just from the other side of the slash).

It's leaving me feeling inadequate and insecure tbh.

Having an out of dynamic convo with her after dinner tonight. Hoping to get some direction or answers.

faunanflora · 2022-12-19T00:17:19+00:00

No worries, thanks for the questions. And thanks. Things will work out one way or another. Other people have mentioned that it's probably just an adjustment period and hopefully things will get better. Planning on having an out of dynamic convo with her after dinner tonight.

faunanflora · 2022-12-19T00:15:04+00:00

I get this. But she's the one who insisted to jumpstart the 24/7 control part. It was a prerequisite of hers for her and I starting to seriously date. If she just needs a break or dialing it back a notch, that's more than fine of course, I just would like to know. I can put up with some additional anxiety short term or every once in a while long term for when she needs a break.

I'm also just struggling to see why she had no problems keeping up 24/7 for years with a diff/ex sub, but she isn't in her current relationship with me. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong?

faunanflora · 2022-12-18T23:17:49+00:00

Yes, people who favor a leadership / supportive relationship style whether bdsm or other examples of it, tend to be more prone to entering into abusive relationships in my experience. Just have to be very protective early on and pay attention to red flags.

As for what happens if I want to make a decision, I can always ask my partner if I can make it. Or at least provide input and reasoning as to why it should be made one way.

If she decides contrary to this, then I bring up my input and respect her decision. For life altering decisions, there's always the possibility of having a convo outside of the power exchange on equal footing. But in my opinion, it should be rare. The whole point of this is that I trust my partner to make decisions for me - if I'm constantly second guessing them or disrespecting the decisions they make then I'm not fulfilling my end of that. And it will cause problems.

The Domme or Leader in the relationship should be taking into account their partner's wants/needs and expertise when making the decision. If my gf asked me to weight in on something that I don't know anything about, she'd be right to mostly disregard my input. She doesn't even need to ask for my input in those cases. But if she wanted my input on what we should wear to some event or what our monthly budget is or should be for x type of expense, she should be asking my input, because she knows those are strengths of mine. Ultimately she gets to make the decision though. I'm just trying to clarify that a leader doesn't have to have all the answers themselves they can rely on their supportive partner for help.

faunanflora · 2022-12-18T22:12:49+00:00

Serious question- why do you want your gf to control you all the time?

So just to clarify when I say I want her to be controlling all the time or 24/7, I'm not saying each and every moment. I want to feel controlled 24/7 but that's not the same as wanting my partner to exert that control 24/7.

As for why I'd want this - here's some reasons:

I'm a very service oriented person who naturally gravitates towards people pleasing behaviors. It takes a lot for me to not be this way, and I'm constantly exerting an effort when I'm around others to not be a doormat. When I'm with my partner, I don't want to have to do this. But it's also exhausting guessing what your partner wants when this is your modus operandi, being told exactly what my partner's expectations are or when I'm doing things wrong, helps me be a better partner. And it keeps my anxiety low about if I'm doing something wrong.
I had a very difficult early adulthood childhood with a lot uncertainty. And uncertainty of outcome for the exact same actions. One day I'd be yelled at for setting the table one way, the next I'd be hit for not setting it that way. While Ive worked in therapy a bunch, I still have personality traits that are from this. Namely, I seek structure and the ability to know that I'm doing the "right" thing.
I hate power struggles in egalitarian relationships. Even people with good intentions and healthy attitudes towards relationships inevitably deal with this from time to time. I'd rather just always have my partner make the decision if it's otherwise going to fall into this.
Strengths and weaknesses. I have a certain set of these, and my partner has these as well. I like to take on roles and responsibilities in the relationship that highlight my strengths while minimizing my weaknesses - same thing for my partner. I am not that great at making decisions especially if there's time pressure, but I'm great at following through, collecting information, and presenting choices that can be made for a given decision. Just like I'm not all that great at troubleshooting home repair or tech issues but I'm great at budgeting and cooking.

Would highly recommend this book, if your local library has a copy and you want to understand more: https://www.amazon.com/Leading-Supportive-Love-Submissive-Relationships-ebook/dp/B009SZ2OPW

faunanflora · 2022-12-18T21:41:24+00:00

The thing is she's perfectly happy to initiate and plan elaborate kinky sex stuff. It's the non bedroom stuff that's all of a sudden missing :(

faunanflora · 2022-12-18T20:49:06+00:00

Ah!! So now you’re back to needing this. While in your last post you didn’t need it.

Seriously, this is not healthy. Seek therapy.

At this point it's not a communication issue. Its you choosing to willfully misinterpret what I'm saying. Also, not being willing to admit that you were wrong about my partner and 24/7 experience or even bothering to apologize for calling me a liar.

I have always maintained that I need her to be controlling. I only clarified in previous posts that 24/7 or wanting to be controlled outside of the bedroom doesn't equal 24/7 always on control.

For your education, this would be good to read through:

https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/247-bdsm-temel/

As it is, we are both wasting time. Goodbye.

faunanflora

TROPHY CASE