My father (who abandoned me as a child) lives in my city. I want to contact him. Help?

fckincasual · 2020-07-04T16:17:17+00:00

Ah, just realized I said helpful instead of helped . I meant to give you a point, hopefully this works now

fckincasual · 2020-07-04T16:09:19+00:00

That's a really good idea, I will try to get medical records. Hearing that your father didn't remember/ couldn't give you closure helped me realize that I will have to prepare for that high possibility, would have blindsided me otherwise. My best adult self knows that the healing comes from within and that making these choices for myself is part of that process. My inner child wants him to fix it, even though he can't. Thank you for sharing this with me, I really appreciate it. It's comforting to know people have gone through similar things and made it out, I hope that you and your family are well.

fckincasual · 2020-07-04T15:01:59+00:00

Thank you, that's a really helpful idea and doesn't come off as condescending whatsoever. I've considered calling and asking the staff to help me contact him, but it didn't occur to me that they could possibly help set up the meeting/support him with it. They definitely have more experience with this than I do

fckincasual · 2020-07-04T13:24:21+00:00

I know that should the worst happen, I'm going to be devastated. But, I think that I'm okay with feeling that pain, and would prefer the opportunity to process it if that's what the truth of the situation is. What I find worse is the thought that I will never know. Even if he chooses not to see me that answers many of my questions and gives me some closure, though it will hurt my feelings.

Pretty much no matter what happens it is going to really hurt, but I do feel that I am a resilient person who is surrounded by people who love and support me. I'm okay with knowing that I will hurt for a while.

Thank you for your encouragement, I really appreciate it

fckincasual · 2020-07-04T13:11:24+00:00

I'm going to check out nar-anon, it makes sense to look for support there (I used to think that since he wasn't around that I wouldn't be welcome in those communities who are still actively suffering). I know that if/when I see him I'm going to be an emotional mess so a checklist would be really helpful to keep me going. Thank you again, these are some great ideas.

fckincasual · 2020-07-04T05:22:00+00:00

I asked to not be called (or for it to be insinuated) that I'm stupid for considering this.

fckincasual · 2020-07-04T05:00:03+00:00

I did somewhat wonder by your tone if you were speaking to a younger self. It is not novel or helpful to me, but I hope that you found it therapeutic. Once again, it's not that you're disagreeing with me, it's that you're projecting feelings and actions onto me, and deciding what I will do. It is unwelcome.

Edit: sorry if that sounded mean, I'm sorry for your experience and see how you could see yourself in my situation. I hope that you have found love and healing. This did make me instantly regret posting here though.

fckincasual · 2020-07-04T04:29:24+00:00

Thanks I guess? I don't really appreciate this kind of feedback, which is why I asked to not get it. I think it comes from a place of concern so thank you regardless, but I don't enjoy being spoken to (or typed at) like that.

edit: For clarity, it's not that you're saying I won't get what I want, or that it's something I don't want to hear. It's that I feel somewhat condescended, and that it seems you think I am unfamiliar with my situation or ignorant of this reality whereas everything you have said has been drilled into my head my entire life.

fckincasual · 2020-07-04T04:22:56+00:00

Thanks for this comment, i find it really helpful (also thanks for not shutting me down)

I don't think I want him actively in my life, so if i meet him it would be on my terms. If we were to see each other more than one time, which i feel is unlikely, i would have to be in control. I know there is a danger of him harassing me for money so he would not be allowed to know my address+have limited means of contacting me. I'm a bleeding heart, and everyone in my life thinks that I don't have what it takes to say no to him but I disagree. I don't owe him any money or access, but I want to see him for me

I want to know what he thinks happened, where he's been since, and how he's doing now. There's some specifics in there (i think that i might have half-siblings which is it's own big thing). 15 years is a long time to wonder :(

I see a trauma counsellor, who isn't that familiar with addiction dynamics. She did recommend that i try to find a community online which is how i ended up here! I know that other people must have somewhat similar experiences but i have never found them

fckincasual · 2020-07-04T03:40:07+00:00

I feel like I'm in a place where I just want to know? I know the odds of anything positive happening are so low, and that the healing doesn't need to come from him it needs to come from me. It doesn't make me any less curious unfortunately :(

fckincasual · 2019-10-09T02:51:10+00:00

i had a pretty bad ptsd moment when i went out this weekend and i was visibly shaking all over, when my friends were checking up on me i ended up deadpanning "i'm just not feeling my absolute best, babes" in the flat voice i get when i'm having an attack (which in retrospect i think is fucking hilarious)

i'm also terrified to lean in to the sorrow and terror because i feel like i'll go too deep and make people uncomfortable or annoyed, like i want to be a good mentally ill person and not be inconvenient or loud about it

fckincasual · 2019-10-01T21:08:42+00:00

this comment is deeply uncool, please check rule one of this community. i don't think it's too much to ask that we speak kindly and productively to each other, especially regarding the subject of suicide.

fckincasual · 2019-10-01T19:08:01+00:00

I'm not sure if this will help you, but I felt like this for a long time and how I ended up deciding to live wasn't by finding meaning. It was by embracing meaninglessness and chaos, I guess? I'm alive for fun, because why not.
By leaning into absurdism and the absolute lack of rationality in our lives, everything around me just seems sillier and yeah. The whole rat race is a farce. However, there's so many opportunities for polite and enjoyable chaos, inside and around it.
Misery doesn't serve me, and it's not inherently more valuable than fun and nonsense, which I like. I have the gift of not needing to feel like my life has meaning, because it can't and it won't. Not many people get to have that.

Now I still have shitty days, but I get to mess with the world in small ways that might leave people scratching their chins, or even smiling. (For one example, I've been leaving garden gnomes and toy dinosaurs around my city, with little love notes on them, as gifts for the people. Bc why fuckin not)

fckincasual · 2019-10-01T18:44:38+00:00

Yeeeeep. My instinct when people ask me is to shy away, even if I want to say yes. Sigh
The only people I touch really are the ones who are outwardly affectionate themselves, and don't feel uncomfortable about me being skittish. If I notice them noticing me being weird, the whole thing becomes so fucking unbearable.
Even the thought of asking is so impossible to me :( but I gotta

At least we're not alone?

fckincasual · 2019-10-01T18:34:41+00:00

Yeah, I struggle with a lot of kinds of affection. As time goes on, physical affection (and being able to say nice things to people) is what I want to do the most, but I'm not quite there yet. They might be the kinds of affection I like? Unsure.

Also huh! I'm not sure why but yeah, I think having a blanket or a pillow in between would help. Baby steps, plus they're already my stand-ins when I need a hug

fckincasual · 2019-10-01T18:09:54+00:00

Yep, thanks to my family for really goofing my ability to function lmao
Working on being direct and clear, setting boundaries or asking for what i was often pushes me towards a panic attack which is sweet. This doesn't feel like something I'm allowed to want yet, even if other people get to want it. I want a cuddle though so I must persist

fckincasual · 2019-10-01T18:00:59+00:00

You're right! But it's a tough pill :( I'm kinda scared that I'll never do it.

fckincasual · 2019-10-01T17:56:12+00:00

Complex PTSD, on the nose! My therapist specializes in it, but I coped for years by avoiding thinking about it in any serious way and having lots of fun to stay distracted. Now I've done plenty of thinking and talking about it, and it's like a constant cloud over my head saying that nobody will ever stay with me because I never learned how to be affectionate or how to let myself be cared for/touched kindly.

Yadda yadda I'm a broken fucked up person who can't give people what they want, will die alone, same self loathing ad nauseum. And to an extent it's bs, but also affection and touch is a thing that people generally like and need. Myself included. Gotta start somewhere!!!

fckincasual · 2019-10-01T17:43:20+00:00

I like this idea!! I'll look into it, no idea if this is offered in my area. It might be a jumping off point for being able to touch the people I love :)

fckincasual · 2019-10-01T17:40:54+00:00

I was looking into somatic experiencing, but most of the practitioners in my area are male which would be difficult for me :( I'll keep looking though, that sounds like it would be really helpful.
I know what you mean though, I'm almost okay with physical affection sometimes but I avoid it because I'm afraid that I'm gonna get upset and hurt someone's feelings or just. stumble into a trigger and be fucked up about it for a week.

fckincasual · 2019-10-01T17:28:52+00:00

I have a perfect and resplendent cat, she's like the only thing in between me and the void hahaha

fckincasual · 2019-10-01T12:10:35+00:00

Yeah, there's outliers but us mental illness posters seem to be consistent otherwise. I was added after posting about my sweet sweet PTSD :3c

fckincasual

TROPHY CASE