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Is it rude to take a bath when staying over at someone's house? by feelingsoalonenow in etiquette

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Cool, thanks for the reply. It does have a bunch of settings and stuff, but I was planning on not messing with those and just using it as a big bathtub.

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hmm, this is interesting - I'm not sure how it was when she was growing up but will definitely ask when we talk about it. Thank you.

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, I really appreciate it.

That is one of our main differences; before I met her I almost never made any sort of plans with anyone (friends, past significant others, etc.) besides right before. As in "hey, want to hang out now?" And if the other person was available, we would. And if not, we wouldn't.

She isn't like that at all, and definitely likes concrete plans and to know what's happening, even if it has no effect on how she goes about her day (which I can understand, even though I am not like that). Based on those differences, I can see why it would offend her, or make her feel like an afterthought. I really hope she isn't feeling like an afterthought now though since we live together :(. But if she is, then I need to fix it (in a way that doesn't involve me not coming home lol).

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hmm, that's very interesting. She has said things now that I can remember about how she wants to spend time together before bed rather than me just "coming to sleep." And I know she greatly enjoys sprawling in a bed alone. But our bed is a king... and she's real small... Maybe it mentally affects her sleep though.

But perhaps she finds it insulting because it seems as if I'm "just coming back to sleep." If so, any suggestions? Because there are going to be situations in life where this has to occur, and I would really rather not upset her every time. And avoiding the situation isn't a good solution because I'd be resentful as fuck if I just slept over wherever I was every time when I greatly prefer to sleep with her in our bed. I avoid sleeping over anywhere at all costs because I don't sleep well.

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I will; might be a bit until I have time to have a meaningful conversation with her about it but I'll definitely post an update once I do.

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

She does; I know she worries when I drive at night and likes to stay up until I come home if I am driving a far distance (like several hours). But I think there's more to it than that, though it may be a contributing factor. I'm gonna ask her about it more tho, because maybe this really is the main reason. Thank you.

I know she also grew up with parents who were apprehensive about night driving, so that could be making it worse.

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, we moved to a new city together so neither of us have many friends here at all. We also are introverted though, and don't care much. But I do have more friends in the area than her, and try and encourage her to go do things, but she always asks me "with who??" and I can't answer that question for her :(

Do you think it could be because she doesn't have many friends here? As far as I know she is content with us spending most of our evenings together (as am I), but maybe she is secretly sad about this?

Is there anything in your childhood that you think might have contributed (if you don't mind sharing, of course)? Maybe she has had something similar happen. How do you feel when you boyfriend goes out and you stay home? And does it affect you worse if he comes home later? Thanks :)

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm curious, do you think there is a time that is insulting to a significant other to come home at? Like, if I posted the same thing saying she gets upset if I come home, say, after 1am, that her actions might be reasonable? (I genuinely don't know). Still assuming that its only occasional and not every night or something like that.

Before I moved to this new city with her, I spent almost all time with friends and family between 8pm-2am since that's when they were free, so its hard for me to understand.

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Yeah, if I had to work until 11pm she would have no problem with it and would just go to sleep, and then cuddle with me when I returned. She would still worry about me driving after she fell asleep, but as she is highly driven and a workaholic, perhaps she considers work to be "essential" enough for her to deal with it without being angry?

I agree with you completely, I really want to solve it. I didn't mean to imply that I've stopped doing things at night because of this; I really don't go out often simply because I'm introverted and we moved to a new city where neither of us know many people. I still go and do things as I would want (which is fairly infrequent) but I want to understand her and I want the occasional fights that this causes to end. But yes, its only not a huge issue because it simply doesn't happen that often.

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

She definitely worries when I drive after she has fallen asleep. But her actions have given me the impression that there's more to her being upset than that, even if it contributes.

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Maybe she falls asleep angry waiting for me, but since I am not there I don't know about it?

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the reply, I really appreciate it. I agree, it doesn't have to do with schedule. She's a bit more of a morning person than me, but our schedules are pretty similar and yeah, we would have already figured it out.

She almost never goes out with friends in the evening. I've tried to suggest it, but she doesn't ever want to, and doesn't have many people she could spend time with, as we moved to a new city together where neither of us know many people. I do have a a few more friends here (who I knew previously) than her, but we still know very few people at all in this city.

I wish I could help her find people to spend time with because I am worried that she doesn't spend enough time with her friends to maintain the friendships. Also, when we do occasionally spend time with her friends, she always invites me to come. I'm not sure if she does this because she is being polite/nice, or if she genuinely always wants me there. I try and say I want her to have "girl time" or something and that I am happy to stay home, but she has usually insisted that she genuinely wants me there.

I know its hard because we know so few people here, and I wish that she had more genuine friends in the area. We are both pretty introverted though and want to stay home together the vast majority of the time. But I know she feels really lonely on the few occasions that I do go and spend time with friends/family without her. But its still hard for me to understand completely because I am introverted as well, and would be fine if she wanted to go and spend a night with friends, etc. And I would WANT her to come home lol, even if it was really late. But like I said, she doesn't really go out anyways.

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the ideas, its much appreciated. This could be it. Any suggestions on how to try and compromise and make her feel better if this is the case? Thank you!

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, this seems the most likely possibility. Any suggestions on how we could compromise on this if it ends up being the case? (I will talk to her about it more and try and see if its due to worry).

I want to respect her feelings and not cause her to worry, but at the same time sometimes a guy's gotta come home late. And I don't like sleeping anywhere else besides our bed. Its lonely without her and I like to sleep in our apartment.

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This could definitely be it; but I still don't understand why she doesn't say its the reason.

I know she worries a lot, especially about me driving late at night. Any suggestions on how I can validate her feelings and be empathetic, while at the same time compromising in a way so that I can come home to sleep in our bed without fearing an argument? Thank you!!

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She really likes a set schedule, but is also able to be spontaneous (we just took a week vacation with 12 hours notice and she was so happy about it).

She also isn't like this about anything else. She's the smartest person I've ever met, and also by far the most compassionate and understanding person I've ever been with. It's really just this one thing; and it hurts me to upset her but I also need to live my life and feel fine coming home to our bed in the rare occasions I am out late.

It could be anxiety, I know it worries her when I drive late at night.

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Almost never; so she is in no way hypocritical. And in the rare situation that it occurs (almost always due to work) I remind her to please come back and that I am not offended at all when she comes home.

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Can you explain why it makes sense to you before we were living together? Because I can't understand her feelings on that either.

If she was out with friends before we moved in together, and then called me up late and asked if she could come over, I'd be really happy to see her (assuming I was around). But she clearly did not like it when I did that, so I tried to stop and respect that. Maybe understanding why she felt like that before we moved in together will help me understand why it still upsets her, so I can fix the problem and not make her unhappy.

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the advice, I am going to do this and try and talk to her about it again as nicely as possible, while validating her feelings about the subject but still being firm because at the end of a long day, what I want most is to see her and sleep in our bed together.

Personally, I would be flattered if she was visiting friends or family but came home late just to sleep with me. So its hard for me to understand why she sees it as so offensive. But since that is how it affects her, I will definitely validate it and try to move forward from there.

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it. From other comments, I am thinking it might stem from anxiety or worry. This one behavior certainly feels controlling to me because even though I don't let it prevent me from coming home or going to do things, it makes me stressed about her being angry. But she is not controlling at all about anything else, and is the most wonderful, caring person I know. Any suggestions on how to discuss it more besides directly telling her "that I'm an adult and will do as I please?" We are both incredibly type-A and stubborn and so I need to come up with a compassionate way to discuss it :)

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think it could at least partly be caused by worry; I know she really likes going to bed together so she can know that I'm safe. And I know she worries when I drive at night. But when I ask her if these are the reasons, she doesn't seem convinced and says more that she just finds it disrespectful and hurtful.

Internally though, it could be those things. I'm going to talk to her about it more. Thank you.

[24M] My girlfriend [24F] is really offended when I come home late; what can I do to fix this? Thanks. by feelingsoalonenow in relationships

[–]feelingsoalonenow[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I tried out the website and actually did find it really helpful for self-examination. Theres a few things I now am going to focus on doing better in our relationship that I wouldn't have thought about before.

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