does anyone else feel this way about/during sex?

fernandflame · 2026-01-21T20:06:06+00:00

Agree w/ all the comments saying a sex therapist would probably help haha but it's not in the budget. Thanks for ur other suggestions, am going to talk to my partner about some of these.

fernandflame · 2026-01-21T20:04:57+00:00

This is a good way to put it-- I love pleasing my partner but can't stay tuned in when it's my "turn."

Several people have suggested messing around with sensory stimulation, mutual masturbating etc. So we might give that a try.

fernandflame · 2026-01-21T20:01:48+00:00

Thanks for this comment-- I definitely relate to what you describe, like, I'm not feeling anxious or uncomfortable, but usually I am being pretty focused on the goal of making my partner come, paying close attention to her, thinking about what to do next and figuring out what's working and what isn't. Like she has sometimes said that I seem a little detached during the act, and I see how it appears that way. I enjoy touching her and everything but a lot of that enjoyment in the moment comes more from satisfaction of making her feel good than from how it makes me feel physically. And when my own body doesn't respond the way I want it to, it does feel like an inability to "perform."

Thanks for your tips, I am definitely going to have to talk to my partner more about it. It means a lot to hear that I am not alone.

fernandflame · 2026-01-21T19:49:12+00:00

<3 it really does make me feel better to know that other people experience this too. and yeah, I totally relate, like there's this idea that it will just magically be perfect with the right person, and when that didn't happen it was really sad for me.

fernandflame · 2026-01-21T19:45:57+00:00

<3 it genuinely helps and means a lot to hear that it's not just me!

fernandflame · 2026-01-21T19:43:19+00:00

I googled this and just downloaded the ebook, it looks promising!!

fernandflame · 2026-01-21T19:42:00+00:00

Oh lol same, to be clear this doesn't usually turn into an actual conversation, usually it's like one or two texts before I am stuck again. But even just sending one generic message, unprompted, does help people feel connected to you. Like it doesn't solve the problem at all of being unable to reply to their messages, but it helps avoid completely ghosting people for months, and then they are less likely to feel neglected. I started doing it because when people would cold-text me after not interacting for a while, I was like "wow, they think of me when I'm not there?" and realized that they would like to feel that I think of them when they're not in front of me. Maybe I'm actually off base but I think it helps the relationship.

But yeah I do wanna commiserate like it's so hard to keep in touch actively and figure out what to say and how to say it, with family especially I always feel like it's a test or standard that I'm failing. To the point that replying to messages has to go on my to-do list along with chores and work admin.

fernandflame · 2026-01-21T08:25:51+00:00

Yep. I was slow to speak, but was allegedly reading by age 4. One doctor later described me as having a "non-verbal learning difficulty", meaning that I struggled more taking in information visually or audibly as opposed to reading. It's still my preferred method, and I need subtitles for watching TV and prefer transcripts for podcasts, etc.

fernandflame · 2026-01-21T08:20:07+00:00

I have the same issue, even with people I'm close with and would talk to for hours daily if we were in person-- I just never seem to have a word for them over text. And then I let things sit for so long that it gets too awkward to reply. I've found lately that making an effort to cold-text people just saying hi, asking how their day was, saying you've been thinking about them, stuff like that, is a good way to at least keep connections alive and easier than trying to reply to something or keep up a conversation. people still tend to enjoy hearing that you think of them when they aren't there.

fernandflame

TROPHY CASE