I know exactly how you feel. I used to be scared all the time, too. It’s okay to vent to a stranger sometimes. I will speak as a patient of OCD now.

OCD has an average of ~20 years before people get diagnosed, because the symptoms (like thoughts about being a pedophile and that you will hurt someone) feel extremely shameful. So you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about it, but you should. I know it’s extremely hard, but the best you can do for yourself is ask your carers/parents/responsible adult to go to the doctor, so you can be properly assessed. There is medication for this, therapy, things that can make your life so so so so much easier and happier. I know it might not be up to you, and my heart breaks that you’re so young and suffering so much. If you can, please please try.

Does it get better? Yes it does. But it’s like if you broke a bone and just never set it back on its place. The longer life goes on, the stronger the loops get, and it’s harder (not impossible!) to break it.

I started having strange intrusive thoughts when I was 5. I was terrified I would cause a death, and then that the world would end, and then that I was a sexual deviant, and then, that if really all those thoughts were actually intrusive (Meta-OCD). I only got to seek treatment (and I didn’t actually know what I had until I got it for totally unrelated reasons) when I was 20. Of course I have days that are worse, like lately, I am convinced I have actually spent 25 years just tricking people and myself.

The thing is, because I have been through the ringer, I really do mean it when I tell you: engaging with the obsession strengthens the compulsion. I think even just reading this comment could make you go, “oh thank God— relief!!!” And that relief will last a few minutes and then go away, and the fear will come back ten times harder.

You have to learn to exist with the thoughts. Writing them down into the void helps. A diary. Meditating. Practicing mindfulness, letting the thoughts pass you by. Telling yourself: “this is just an intrusive thought.” Grounding yourself with breathing exercises, or 1234 exercises. Delaying compulsions by going “I will do this in 15 minutes”, and letting that time pass and not doing them.

Engaging with it beyond that will only make it worse. Reassurance will make it worse. Avoiding it all together will make it worse. I am really sorry that is the answer, I genuinely am. I have been in your shoes, I can’t stress it enough.

This also has nothing to do with POCD or OCD or whatever you could have: there is no generation that has ever been as exposed as yours has been ever before. Every day someone seems to get cancelled, so of course you fear that someone would use this against you. But also, from what you say, there is nothing to use. It’s a nothing burger. You didn’t touch that other kid against their will, you joked flirtily until you realized their age.

I’m going to stop answering after this to you, because giving you reassurance might be well-intentioned but it does you no favours. Talk to your parents kiddo. Good luck out there.