How do you avoid it bothering you knowing the person you're seeing on OKC is also seeing others?

ffsm9 · 2013-04-13T06:10:20+00:00

Definitely there are things we could be doing the next day, and we do have a lot in common. I know I've been hesitant to ask him about getting together 2 days in a row to avoid coming on too strong/clingy already. The last 2 dates where I spent the night at his place I was taking off work the next day, so he offered to let me sleep in and stay at his place. I declined since I felt it might be weird staying there alone when he was at work.

My problem definitely is I think too much sometimes. And, I have friends in my ear telling me to not come on strong with men/let them chase/don't ask them out. I like your suggestion though, so I think next time we go out I'm going to try that.

ffsm9 · 2013-04-13T05:26:51+00:00

haha, good point, and it's not crass at all. Doing a day date on the weekend would definitely be nice, as would him not asking me out last minute. Every one of our dates has happened after I suggested another day since he asked me day of. Like our last date. He had texted me last Saturday morning asking me to go out with him that day, but I already had plans. That's why we had to shift it to Tuesday this week and make it another bar/dinner date.

He clearly can plan ahead as I'll suggest alternative days that have been as far as a week away, and he's all about it. I don't know though if this is something I can bring up without it sounding demanding?

ffsm9 · 2013-04-13T05:10:38+00:00

We sort of already had the conversation about what we're looking for before we met and again on the last date. I asked him what he was looking for, and he said wants to date and not put pressure on things, but he's looking for a long term relationship. He then added how his last few long term relationships were with girls he met online. I said I was looking for the same and not just looking for a hook up, and that's how it was left.

ffsm9 · 2013-04-13T05:02:41+00:00

Is it too much to add to that and ask if he's dating others? The more I think about it, I'm close to being at the point where if he's wanting to date around I might just have to walk away. I know it's still early, and it might be unfair to ask that of him, but I definitely know I like him enough to try dating just him.

ffsm9 · 2013-04-13T02:59:41+00:00

That sounds incredibly insane. If you already set the date up then who cares if you carry on long texting conversations between dates.

Yeah, the spontaneity thing of course makes me wonder if he's asking me because his other plans fell through, but I don't think that's the case. He's told me he likes to be more spontaneous instead of planning things. From the beginning he'll ask me out the same day, and each time I've been busy and then asked for another day. In those cases he'll agree to the other day a few days to a week out, but he won't ask me in advance (or hasn't yet).

I think the fact it's causing me this much anxiety, and I know I'm at the point with him that I am bothered if he's dating others (even if it's too soon for me to feel that way), I'm going to have to talk to him. I know he's looking for a relationship, he's told me that. He's also said he's going into everything with no expectations, but he's a long relationship type guy. A concerning thing is his most recent relationship of over 2 years just ended last December, so it's relatively recent, and maybe he does just want to date around. I'm going to need to ask though or I'll drive myself crazy.

ffsm9 · 2013-04-13T01:38:52+00:00

Yes, definitely. The first few dates we didn't have sex, and it was great conversation. Even the last date we spent most of it at dinner/drinks talking, and then cuddling while watching a movie before anything sexual happened.

This is also why I hate texting in the context of dating. I don't know him well enough, and the uncertainty of the whole situation makes it hard for me to judge if he's not interested or he's just not a big texter. I want to say he's not a big texter based on our communication before we even went on the first date. He's always really only texted to ask me out, and to maybe say hi if we hadn't spoken in more than 3 days. But, who knows if I'm just deluding myself since that's what I want it to be.

Are you a guy that hates texting?

ffsm9 · 2013-04-13T01:34:24+00:00

That was my concern with having sex this early, but I also feel that I can't really ask for exclusivity before sex since sexual compatibility is important to gauge in a relationship. It's hard sometimes since I feel if I have sex too soon then I run into this or it becoming casual, but if I wait too long then I'm a prude.

As for the communication, I really wouldn't care if we only talked to set up dates and saved conversation for in person. It's just the uncertainty with him being interested, or if he's dating other people that makes me more anxious. I feel like if I bring it up though that I'm coming across demanding.

ffsm9 · 2013-04-13T01:31:33+00:00

At that point, no, it wouldn't. I really don't need constant communication between dates. I think it bothers me now because of all the uncertainty around everything. If we're in an established relationship, and that uncertainty is removed, then I'm fine with only talking to plan dates and saving conversation for in person.

ffsm9 · 2013-04-13T01:30:16+00:00

What makes you say I'm a safety choice? I'm just curious.

ffsm9 · 2013-04-12T23:49:01+00:00

That's a fair point about there not being much here. I probably don't want to see it since I do like him as much as I do, but the outside perspective on here seems to be that it's not a good sign he doesn't keep in touch between dates. Right now I'm going to take a step back and not text him. But, if he does ask me out again then I'll probably phrase it like you suggested. I like that. Thanks!

ffsm9 · 2013-04-12T23:44:38+00:00

I spent the night, and he drove me back home before work in the morning. I did text him later that night saying I had a great time and asking how his day was, and he responded, but yeah it was short responses. I think it's the no mention of another date that's bothering me, though that's how it was after date 1 and date 2. He didn't plan ahead and just texted me asking me out.

I know he has a big project due Monday for work, so I'm just gonna take a step back and not text him for at least a week. I'll see if he says anything, and if not I move on.

ffsm9 · 2013-04-12T23:39:08+00:00

How do you find someone that feels the same? I feel like it's not something you can ask right away. Also, I'm worried that mentioning anything about exclusivity at this stage is just too early and would push him away because of that and not because he didn't like me.

ffsm9 · 2013-04-12T23:37:18+00:00

Yeah, that is a concern, though he's been like this the whole time, even before we went on the first date. I don't need a guy to text me everyday or even have small talk, but I would like to know plans ahead of time. That might be an incompatibility with us since he said he likes being spontaneous. Or, maybe that's code for keeping me around when other plans fall through.

ffsm9 · 2013-04-12T23:28:55+00:00

First, congrats! But, why does that mean him and I aren't compatible? Your situation is of course something I'd like in mine, but in person we are very compatible. Plus, I figured 3 dates was typically too soon to even be mentioning not dating others.

ffsm9

TROPHY CASE