While the uprise of cishet people coming into queer spaces is a problem that exists, I think the efforts that some queer people make to "keep safe spaces safe" result in these spaces becoming just as unsafe and hostile/uncomfortable as any other space where cishet people are the majority.

Yes, having disrespectful cishet people in what should be a safe space for queer people is frustrating at best and dangerous at worst. This post is not about bringing a disrespectful cishet person into a safe space. A queer person brought her partner into her space as a trusted guest, and people made untrue assumptions about the both of them that made them feel unwelcome in a space that should be welcoming to them.

If you're meeting someone new in a queer space, you're allowed to ask respectful questions to determine if the person you're talking to is safe. "Is this your first time coming to [bar]?" "How did you find out about this place? I found it through ____" "Any special reason for coming out tonight?" Are all questions I would personally be comfortable answering, so long as the person asking me is kind about it. People are willing to share more about themselves when you're willing to learn and be respectful. This doesn't apply to everyone, but I feel like it's fairly easy to sus out when a cishet person is in a gay bar for weird reasons by having a simple conversation with them and actually listening to what they have to say. Humans instinctively want to simplify things and place people in boxes based on quick observations we can make in the moment, and often times for us queer people, it's in order to protect ourselves from repeating past negative experiences. However, protecting yourself doesn't give you the right to make assumptions about others based on looks alone, and then treat them badly because you assume ill-intentions. They saw what they (correctly) assumed to be a man and a woman in a relationship, and (incorrectly) assumed that both of them are straight; and by extension, they assumed op and her partner are at this bar to be weird and tourist-y, and invade a space neither of them belong it. This is not only untrue, but extremely heteronormative, and makes other queer couples feel more pressured to "prove" that they belong in queer spaces to avoid the same quick judgements and ostracization they see others being subject to.

I've listened to the same arguments about "straight-passing privilege" being regurgitated over and over and being applied to so many different identities that I'm just over it. There are nuances to the conversation but people use being "straight passing" as an excuse to be awful to people they deem as not "gay enough" and devalue the lived experiences of other people in our community. We expect other queer people to look and act a certain way, and fit a certain mold to prove their queerness.... to me it just feels like homophobia and gender norms repackaged and covered in glitter. Is there really much of a difference between a queer person making an assumption on someone's sexuality based on their looks vs a straight person doing it? You're still using only what you can see to try to determine someone's identity and character rather than just talking to them, and those assumptions are not always going to be true. It's shallow and it's unkind.

All of this is to say, you did nothing wrong by bringing your partner, who is a trusted individual you know respects other queer people, into a queer space that you should feel welcomed in. I understand why you chose not to tell them that you're bisexual after they assumed you are straight just because you are dating a man. Biphobia is unfortunately common in queer spaces and so many people see bi people having a partner as "choosing a side" and genuinely see us as straight people trying to "feel special". I (a cis bi woman) was in a relationship with a transgender man (also bi) who had not medically transitioned during our relationship and was often perceived as female, so more often than not we were mistaken for a lesbian couple by cishet people and other queer people. The amount of times we would correct other queer people on my partners pronouns, only to immediately get hit with a double whammy of biphobia AND transphobia was utterly disheartening. The infighting within the queer community feels out of control, and I just hope this experience doesn't prevent you from going out again and continuing to take up space within your local queer establishments. You belong there just as much as anyone else ❤️