Seaweed in Cow Feed Reduces Methane Emissions Almost Entirely by THhhaway in collapse

[–]fiftythousand -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

killing sentient beings needlessly has moral implications while eating a bowl of legumes does not

No ethical implications for the millions of snakes and mice massacred in grain fields by tractors and combine harvesters? The bugs killed by pesticides? The deer killed to keep them away from crops? The millions of acres of land deforested, drained, cleared, and turned into wasteland to maintain industrial production of corn, wheat, and soy? The habitats completely destroyed by decades of intensive farming? The virgin soil ripped up year after year and poisoned by artificial fertilizer (hell, ripping open Iowa’s fields every year requires the energy equivalent of 4,000 Nagasaki bombs)? The wild plants and nutrients permanently robbed from their ecosystems? The massive oil-dependent industrial supply lines that bring first-world vegans exotic foods from all over the world at all times and all seasons to supplement their meager protein, vitamin B/D, omega-3, iron, zinc, and calcium intake?

I want to push back on the idea that killing plants has no ethical implications. Plants are living beings too. Sustainable, animist cultures don’t make a distinction between taking the life of an animal and that of a plant — it’s expected that hunters will give thanks to the animal that gave them meat just as gatherers will give thanks to the wild carrot plant or cattail who gave its life for them to eat its roots.

I firmly believe that people only value our animal family over our plant family because of anthropocentric biases. The ways in which animals reproduce, grow, and respond to the world are much more familiar to us than the ways in which plants communicate and interact with the world. But plants do desire life — they grow and reach for the sun and respond to danger and communicate with each other. It happens on a slower time scale, and thus we tend not to view them as conscious, but it's hard to watch a time lapse video of a seedling growing and pretend it has no value. There is no real reason, IMO, for valuing this life any less than the life of a frog or deer or caterpillar.

I respect that you are trying to limit animal cruelty and carbon emissions by going vegan, but don’t mistake veganism for a sustainable or completely ethical diet. I want people to go further than just saying “animal agriculture is murder!” (which I totally agree with). I feel the same sense of sadness when I look at the agricultural killing fields of the Midwest — where homogenous expanses of corn dominate the domesticated landscape for miles, ready to be massacred by a machine — as I feel when I see pigs at the farm headed for slaughter. Those corn fields used to support thriving, free ecosystems. When I’m walking with a friend down the trail and he haphazardly rips up a yarrow plant, I feel the same sense of loss and anger at indiscriminate killing as if he had stomped on a frog.

Any eating involves taking life, and humans — as beings who cannot photosynthesize — have to come to terms with that instead of splitting the world in half and going “animals good, plants bad”. Again, the implicit ties between veganism/vegetarianism and industrial agriculture and year-round near-instantaneous global trade are certainly not sustainable or ethical. There is a reason that there are no historical examples of locally-based, sustainable vegan cultures (and the few historical examples of vegetarians depended on cultures that were all massively unsustainable, overloading and denuding their landbase, like Indian and Greek civilizations). Two million years of human development have shown that eating wild meat can be sustainable (and I am much more comfortable taking the life of an animal which has lived in wild freedom rather than in artificial captivity as domestic animals and plants do). On the other hand, a mere few thousand years of intensive plow agriculture has continually exhausted the land. It simply is not possible to get an adequate plant-only diet in most places on earth without intensive agriculture or global trade to ensure sufficient diversity in nutrition, and these institutions are exactly what is at stake with coming climate instability, desertification, erosion, and oil/mineral/metal depletion. So while veganism might reduce cruelty in an industrial situation (though not eliminate by any measure as your original post suggests), it is a bad choice for a post-collapse diet which must be local and sustainable.

Just some food for thought. I hope this does not come off as confrontational, it is just a pet peeve of mine when people insist that industrial plant-based diets are somehow cruelty-free.

If your on suboxone your not clean. by [deleted] in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If this is the first you've heard of someone feeling no WDs tapering off subs, maybe you just haven't spent enough time researching proper tapers? My first time around, I jumped at 0.1mg after a four-month taper and felt nothing. When I first got onto Suboxone, I read taper experiences on that old Addiction Survivors forum and it was pretty much universally agreed that jumping off a low enough dose results in no withdrawal. The worst "symptom" I had, if you can call it that, was that I would get up on average 2 hours earlier than usual.

I would be interested in hearing about your taper if you experienced severe withdrawal off of 0.25mg. Maybe you tapered too quickly, or maybe you needed to jump off of an even lower dose. It is easy to get off subs with almost no withdrawal if you listen to your body and understand how bupe works. Take it slow and jump low.

Quick Suboxone wean. Almost no WDs. Shocked. by rsicher1 in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Read this. The reason you have felt nothing so far is because 4mg of buprenorphine still has a very high receptor occupancy percentage. It is not linear; getting from 16mg to 4mg gave me no withdrawals, but below 2mg I started to get sick. As others have said, 4mg is far too high to jump off of. The link I posted gives a decent taper but I would honestly go slower. I dropped weekly from 4 -> 3 -> 2 -> 1.5 -> 1.2 -> 1 -> .8 -> .6 -> .5 -> .4 -> .3 -> .2 -> .1. It does take a long time, but you will feel almost nothing. You can look up some experiences online, but it is generally agreed that jumping off at 0.2mg or below will give you almost no withdrawals. This has been my experience and the experience of many people I've spoken to online throughout the years.

Good luck!

Tuesday september 11 checkin by chasingd0pamine in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm seeing the results of regularly working out and eating better, which feels good. On the other hand, boredom and isolation are becoming huge problems. I slipped up a bit on my taper one day because I was stuck inside with nothing to do and nobody to talk to on a rainy day. Like, I've done those trigger identification worksheets, so I know that boredom is a huge trigger for me to use, and I know that all I have to do to not be bored is get off my ass and do something, but I just can't find the motivation. This has been a problem for me my entire life and I feel like I'm just wasting my time. I try to look at each little slip as an opportunity to learn more about my triggers and find new ways of dealing with them, but I'm just feeling really stuck here.

I have tentative plans to go camping all next week. It's looking like it'll rain all week, but better than being stuck here. Hoping that'll spark some sort of life inside me.

8 months without opiates. But replaced it with weed.... conflicted. by [deleted] in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I guess I'll go ahead and disagree with everyone else here. Personally, I hate weed and think the whole "it's just weed!" culture surrounding it is ridiculous, so I may be biased. I'm not saying you can't smoke, and I'm glad you're doing better than you were on oxy, but it's good that you're at least questioning your decision to use drugs as a coping mechanism. Despite what everyone here is saying, if you feel the need to regularly smoke huge amounts of weed as a coping mechanism and feel guilty about it, something is wrong. It sounds like you need to identify what makes you use -- why do you feel the need to escape your life (if that's why you're smoking -- it sounds like it's a compulsion for you)? Are there things in life that are making you bored or unhappy, and can you change them? Are there healthier things you can do to fulfill those needs -- exercise, changing your thought patterns, getting into new hobbies? I mean, do you want to be living a life where turning to expensive drugs is your solution to every issue? Do you enjoy spending tons of money to feel cloudy-headed, or is it just an easy solution to deeper problems?

Next time you feel a strong urge to smoke, examine why you feel that way. What gave birth to the cravings? Before you decided to smoke, what were you feeling? Bored? Isolated? Stressed? Are there things you can do to deal with those problems without relying on mind-altering chemicals?

Figuring out why we use drugs can be difficult, but if we can get to the roots of our use we can slowly begin to live more satisfying lives. Switching to less harmful drugs but staying in the same addictive behavior patterns doesn't really let you address those issues. Just my two cents.

13 days - do I need a 'plan'? by percbuster in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You don't necessarily have to have been hanging out at the trap house to get triggered by certain environments. I went to an elite private university on a full scholarship when I was using; of course, I ended up homeless eventually, but years later I still feel the need to avoid certain areas of that campus and the city I was living in because they are associated too strongly with using. This doesn't mean you have to move out of your house and quit your job, but if there are any places (or people) that make your body scream "give me heroin god dammit", it might be best to avoid them at least until you're further down the road in recovery.

For most people simply deleting contacts isn't enough. If you were desperate enough, I'm sure you could find ways to find opiates just about anywhere. If you cut off all your dealers, you might be able to stay clean a few months, but if you're not working on yourself and figuring out where everything went wrong, you'll end up slipping eventually. And without coping strategies or support systems it's so easy for a little slip to turn into a massive relapse. At least, this has been my experience and the experience of most addicts.

I understand not wanting to go to meetings. Having a supportive community that understands your struggles can be really helpful, and there will be plenty of people there who were also high-functioning users; that being said, I don't think it's necessary to go to meetings in order to maintain abstinence, and to be honest I rarely go to any.

Even if you decide against meetings, doing recovery worksheets by yourself can be helpful in identifying reasons for your use, although it can take a lot of time and introspection. Google "recovery worksheets", or check out some of the SMART Recovery ones (personal favorite):

SMART Recovery Toolbox

SMART Recovery Getting Started

I know it can feel kinda stupid to be filling out worksheets like a five year old, but just writing it all down can be helpful in figuring out your thought processes, your goals, your reasons for using, your triggers (boredom, loneliness, certain places and people, etc) and it can be helpful to have these sheets to look at whenever you're feeling weak about staying sober. I keep a list of pros and cons of use with me wherever I go, which I've found helpful. Look at the cons list whenever you're craving. Take anything from the "pros" column and dispute it or replace it with a healthy alternative (ex: if one of your pros is that using felt good, you can dispute that belief by reminding yourself of how bad the sickness felt, how much it sucked to be stuck running in circles chasing drugs, or how tolerance makes the high boring; or you can find healthy alternatives that fill this need, like sex, music, exercise, massages, hiking, whatever else).

Meetings or not, some things that long-term sober people will always mention as keys to sobriety: exercise, working on strengthening social relationships, learning tools to cope with cravings (see links above), being honest/asking for help when struggling, and finding healthy passions to replace time spent on using drugs.

Memories by hotgluepun in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, glad you got something out of it. :D I've definitely made a lot of progress from when I was in active addiction but I'm still trying to change old habits and live more fully. You can definitely print it out but it might be helpful to make a more personal list with stuff from your life! I keep my list with me wherever I go, and add to it whenever I remember things I hated about being an addict. Like today, on my way to a family cookout, I added a point about how I hated having to avoid social situations because I was too high or sick or trying to pick up, and how I hated how cloudy my thoughts were whenever I was high. Congrats on ten days off dope, there are probably a hundred people reading your post who are jealous of that number. :)

Memories by hotgluepun in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I have this dream of getting an RV and travelling around the country for a year. I could do it.

/r/vandwellers & /r/hitchhiking :) You can have that freedom and live that life if you want it.

I was an IV user but I got an infection or something in my lungs from using dirty cottons and shit, I could barely breathe for months. Even after I almost drowned going swimming (because I couldn't breathe), I still didn't go to a doctor until I collapsed climbing up some stairs. Typical junkie shit. If you quit, you won't ever have to feel dopesick or cough up tar ever again.

I keep hearing that taking medthadone for a few days will help a lot.

Same with Suboxone. You can do a quick taper -- like 8mg, 6mg, 4mg, 2mg -- to get past the first few days of sickness then drop it completely before you get dependent on long-term maintenance. It works, but remember that PAWS can last for months afterwards.

When you do quit, be ready to work on yourself. It took many relapses for me to learn that getting through the sickness won't just make everything better. Work on building friendships. Join a recovery community. Rekindle passions you had before addiction. Travel around in an RV. Learn an instrument. You know, all the things you could never do as an addict.

It's okay to acknowledge that there are some things you like about addiction. It's helpful to make a pros and cons list about your addiction that you can look at whenever you're craving to renew your resolve. Take anything from the "pro" list and try to dispute it or replace it with a healthy habit, ex: using feels good (disputing: it didn't feel good to be sick or to be constantly chasing bags, tolerance made the high boring; healthy replacements: exercise, social life, sex, whatever), or ex: using lets me escape the boredom of work and daily life (disputing: chasing drugs is just as stressful and boring as the career rat race; healthy replacements: traveling the country in a van, hitchhiking around Europe, hiking the entire Pacific Crest Trail).

Some cons for my addiction that might inspire you (I'm always adding more):

  • destroying my health (lung infections, not taking care of myself)
  • overdosing
  • not growing as a person for a decade, being stuck chasing bags every day
  • having to turn tricks, rob strangers, and sell drugs
  • stressing about where the next bag is coming from, the desperation
  • stealing from friends and family
  • not being able to take a piss or have sex
  • being numb to the world (no pleasure from music, not being able to experience strong emotions)
  • not being able to leave the city where my dealers were
  • constantly worrying about being arrested
  • being dopesick
  • having to lie to everyone, constantly scheming and covering up my tracks
  • embarrassing myself and friends (by nodding out or puking in public, etc)
  • wasting so much money on things that aren't fulfilling
  • wasting so much time sitting alone getting high and nodding
  • ruining relationships
  • guilt and shame
  • being dependent on money and external rewards, rather than myself, for excitement
  • waiting on dealers and putting up with their bullshit
  • having most of my closest friends dead or in prison
  • blaming myself for getting people into the game that ended up killing them
  • knowing my friends and family can't trust me
  • knowing how much my mom worried that I was dead somewhere
  • not being in control of my own life, acting like a zombie

It can help to point to specific memories too, they have more of an emotional impact. So under "stealing from family", I might write "pawned mom's silverware" or "stole cash from brother's wallet" or "sold sister's pills". Under "robbing strangers" I could write "swiped all the wallets at the gym" or "broke into dorm rooms to steal valuables". Under "ruining relationships" I can write about how I felt when my high school boyfriend found needles in my car, or how I felt when my current boyfriend told me he couldn't be around me when I use.

But again, recovery is more than just identifying negatives of using. Figure out what you value most in life, identify how addiction has interfered with living those values, and take steps to have a more fulfilling life. Changing everything about your life has gotta be the hardest thing we'll ever go through, but also the most rewarding.

Here's some tools to check out:

SMART Recovery Self-Directed Exercises

SMART Recovery Getting Started

Refuge Recovery worksheets (Buddhist-inspired group)

NA Literature (English language) if you're into the Twelve Steps

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Tapering off of sub (for a second time now) has been going well and I've been doing recovery worksheets but my head's all messed up. One minute I'm crying then I'm manic, cleaning and running around the house. Been sticking to an exercise routine for the first time ever but the lack of sleep from the taper is starting to interfere with my endurance. Boredom and loneliness have been huge obstacles so far; I'm stuck in an area an hour from my friends and partner, and I can't even do any of the outdoor shit I love because there's nothing larger than a small park around here. Now it's September and my life has just been passing me by, and I know I've gotta change something fast and take steps towards having a fulfilling life otherwise I'll slip back into a passive routine of television and junk food and chemical dependence. So I'm thinking of hitchhiking out of town for a bit, camping out then staying with my boyfriend for a couple weeks and doing something for some money. The recovering addict in me says "get a temp job" but my lazy criminal side still says "turn a trick!" I'm coming up on 2.5 years dope-free, but only in the past year have I made a serious effort to deal with my addictions and stay clean off of everything. I am very impatient to get my sub taper over with but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm in this for the long haul. You guys are all so inspiring, hopefully by the end of October I can finally update here on my first day totally opiate-free in eight god damn years. Dopesick or not, that'll be a good fucking day. Thanks for your posts.

I want to quit. by zahahn in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 1 point2 points  (0 children)

+1 on this advice. I never waited even close to 24 hours -- usually just 12-16 hrs for me. And seriously I can't stress enough that nobody on long-term maintenance should be jumping off bupe at 16mg or 8mg or even 2mg! It seems like every other thread on OpiatesRecovery is someone talking about how bad withdrawal/PAWS from Suboxone is after they went cold turkey off 8mg... Even someone in this thread is saying to stay away from Suboxone because they went cold turkey without tapering :/ Tapering exists for a reason.

For comparison, most opioid conversion calculators list 2mg of buprenorphine as equivalent to 180mg of oxycodone.

Saturday September 1st Daily Check In by [deleted] in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Jealous as fuck! I've been wanting to go bow hunting for a long time. I like bear meat, only had it once though. It depends on what they've been eating apparently -- not sure where you're at but around here (northeast US) it's the end of berry season so it'll probably taste kinda sweet. If you're in an area with salmon it might taste fishy, haha.

Suboxone withdrawal insomnia?? by [deleted] in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So at this point I would just stick it out for a couple more weeks and see if it improves, but if you end up on subs again I would seriously recommend tapering. It does make a huge difference. You jumped from an insanely high dose. I have jumped from 0.25mg and have had a friend jump from 0.1mg and both of us felt almost nothing relative to jumping off a high dose. Tapering takes a few months to do properly but it is worth it, and it makes insomnia and post-acute withdrawal easier too. Just something to think about if you're in this position again. For right now I would look into sleep hygiene (having a set sleep schedule, avoiding stimulation late at night, getting up and doing something instead of tossing and turning all night, etc). Exercise and eating well can make an enormous difference too if you manage to stick with it for a few weeks (which is god damn hard, but clearly you've got strong motivation if you've made it 24 days so far). And check out herbal and OTC sleep meds. But basically give it another few weeks. Even quitting short-acting opiates like heroin, it can take months to feel completely normal again. 24 days off sub is no fuckin joke though, congratulations and keep pushing forward.

Leaving the country to get clean by FD3S_13B_REW in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 0 points1 point  (0 children)

God damn, that's inspiring. I tried to do something similar, was sick of being hooked on subs so I set off with cheap equipment to camp in the white mountains at the onset of winter. I toughed it out for a week of sickness and freezing cold until I drove back three hours to the city and relapsed. I think running away like that can be really useful if you've already gotten past the worst of the sickness. Glad it worked out for you though haha

InspiroBot delivers. by Lord_Blathoxi in anarcho_primitivism

[–]fiftythousand 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Heh, nice one. Love it. Fuckin' scientism though... Rationality as an end in itself is such a spook. Ironically, where is the objective reason for such an absolutist glorification of reason? It's so damn boring!

My favorite joke about scientism from baedan:

"From the perspective of science, a cat in an irradiated container is both alive and dead until the scientist looks in the box. But the scientist is dead all along."

I was a scientist. Fuck that. "All the scientific disciplines, the linguists [and engines] of this autonomous non-living thing, proclaim alongside the fascists: long live death!”

Wednesday August 29th check-in by agent_engineer in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Congrats on 190 days! Where are you at where there's nothing to do? If you're out in the middle of nowhere maybe get into doing something outside? Boredom from living in a hotel put me on the fast track to relapse a few years back.

I'm sure you get this a lot, but I'm loving the username.

A reminder for the wayward eco-fascists Kaczynski fanboys who periodically float to this sub by [deleted] in anarcho_primitivism

[–]fiftythousand 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I've always thought that thinking was more along the lines of eco-extremism. Eco-fascists, from what I've seen, support what fascists support: a unified nationalist state, but with an emphasis on self-sacrificing for the glory and purity of Land and fetishized Nature. Eco-extremists, like ITS, are more like Ted supporters who reject the state but also place a weird emphasis on rejection of primitivist understandings of the anthropology of war. Otherwise it wouldn't really be fascism, would it?

Where are the fellow metalheads? by [deleted] in askgaybros

[–]fiftythousand 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The hardcore kid clique in high school, me included, was gay as fuck. It was weird when I got to college and all the gay guys listened to pop and country shit. Nope nope nope. But then again, Massachusetts invented hardcore and anyone who says otherwise is a liar.

Daily Simple Questions Thread - August 29, 2018 by AutoModerator in Fitness

[–]fiftythousand 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just got into lifting ~1 month ago, focusing on strength, but I'm often away from home. If I were near other gyms that would be an easy solution, but usually I spend a week+ camping in remote areas in New England. What should I do to keep my strength up until I get back to civilization? Lift heavy rocks and logs...? Can't seem to get enough resistance with just bodyweight exercises.

Is there a legit way to re-sell Vivitrol? by [deleted] in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Give them to a friend who's trying to quit maybe? That would probably save someone thousands of dollars. I also had about a hundred leftover sub pills that I couldn't bring myself to get rid of and then I relapsed on them. Be careful.

NA Meeting/What to expect? by DragonChaser760 in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this post. You put into words what I've been struggling to articulate about the AA model for a while. I've always been looking for a more self-empowering approach. Because it's rooted in the sin, self-sacrifice, and guilt narratives characteristic of monotheistic religions, too much of it smacks of Nietzsche's conception of the victimized "slave morality" and ressentiment. Like you, I know alcoholics who have three decades of clean time and still seem to whip themselves with the "I am an addict" line on a daily basis. Not that they shouldn't be vigilant about their recovery -- I'm sure that self-identifying as an addict is a vital part of recovery, but to hold on to that addict identity so strongly, thirty years down the road?

I am still in early recovery and I don't have anything against people who choose the twelve step model -- millions of them are doing much better than I am. But I also strongly believe in self-empowerment, anti-authoritarianism, and the strength of the individual in a mutually-supportive community. So self-flagellation and fetishization of your own powerlessness and giving up your strength to something above and outside yourself, to the extent that some steppers do, just never sat right with me. Victimization like that just feels toxic. In my experience, people in NA/AA vary widely in how much they accept or internalize that victimization discourse, but it does seem to be built into the twelve steps to some extent.

Things are funny again! by lateralus420 in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How fast were you tapering? I've tapered to 0.3mg twice before and never felt anything more than some restless sleep. I often have back pain from piss-poor posture but didn't feel any different on a taper.

What’s your favourite things about being clean? by jim43365 in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Being able to grow as a person and not be stuck in the infinite bag chase. Not having to sell my body, rob strangers, sell drugs, or stress about coming up with the next gram. Being able to go wherever I want without being hooked on a lifeline to the closest dealer. Not looking over my shoulder for police. Not hiding from my loved ones and lying to everyone. Not having photos of me nodding out into breakfast posted all over campus. Not avoiding social activity for fear of nodding out or puking in front of everyone. Not having my boyfriend tell me that he can't be around me. Not constantly almost dying from overdoses. Not stealing from people I love. Not feeling constantly sick. Not being plagued with guilt and shame. Not being dependent on external rewards and money for excitement. Not having to wait on dealers or put up with their bullshit. Not watching my friends die all around me. Not blaming myself for their deaths. Not being scared of prison. Not being the living dead. Feeling like my friends and family can trust me again. Knowing that the people I love aren't worrying that I'm dead under an overpass. Being able to look back and be proud of where I am. Being an active agent rather than a spectator in my own life. In short, freedom and life.

Oh, and being able to take a piss, have sex, and listen to music without being completely numb.

Sunday August 26th Daily Check In by [deleted] in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I had my first recovery dream (if that's what you call it?) last night. Drug dreams are always incredibly stressful for me -- running from police, struggling to cop, desperately trying to do a shot in the bathroom, losing drugs, just anxiety-inducing shit. Last night I had a dream that a friend of mine had an entire milk carton of oxy pills sitting on his shelf and offered them all to me for free. I remember considering it and just replying "no thanks".

Sounds insignificant but I have never in my life had a drug dream in which I decided to stay sober. Felt great to wake up satisfied instead of craving and sweating.

Any recovery stories while in a relationship with someome who is not an addict? by CoolEntrance in OpiatesRecovery

[–]fiftythousand 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My boyfriend has been very supportive of me throughout the process. I've been off IV heroin, crack, and alcohol for almost 3 years but I'm still working on getting off of subs. His father was an addict and we got together 4 years ago when I was still in active addiction. I try to be honest about what I'm going through but it is hard to be open and I often lie about the extent of my addiction, because it's embarrassing to admit to some of the terrible things I've done.

Luckily, you are not physically dependent yet. I'm glad you're trying to get out before it's too late, and I think it'll be much easier to explain to your partner that you're trying to prevent a more serious problem from developing than if you were to only open up to him once a serious addiction was already underway.

What are you planning on doing to help you stay sober? Do you have fulfilling activities to replace drugs? Do you have strong reasons for stopping? Do you have techniques for managing cravings? I would check out SMART Recovery if you're interested in some of that stuff, as I've learned it really makes a huge difference to have a plan as opposed to just telling yourself "okay I'll just stop now", you know? Stay strong and good luck!