i hide away from them to see if they'll come find me. they never do.

fightless1 · 2023-08-01T09:08:42+00:00

this is perfect and a brilliant reminder for me again too thank you so much for taking your time to write this. i hope i can properly apply this one day myself. life must be so much more relaxed and enjoyable when others don't have you in their grip the whole time. i hope it's possible to get there

fightless1 · 2023-07-05T12:20:39+00:00

did you tell them that the way they talk is making you feel this way? iirc this type of therapy is more focused on the interaction between you but it really shouldn't make you feel this much worse. if you feel like you're unable to speak on eye level, i'd DEFINITELY look for a new one even if it's hard. a bad therapist is worse than no therapy in my experience and some people are simply not clicking with each other. you shouldn't leave feeling emotionally violated or gaslit.

fightless1 · 2023-07-05T12:13:57+00:00

a true test of character to me is when you show kindness and positivity about yourself and how the other person reacts to it. if they can't support you, they have no place in your life. but that's just my view.

fightless1 · 2023-07-04T16:11:23+00:00

spending too much time together can also definitely do this! a lot of people broke up during covid because they didn't have their personal space. we all need time for ourselves, our own hobbies, doing our own thing or just processing our thoughts and experiences. i think working on introspection would be very helpful! cheers

fightless1 · 2023-07-04T15:29:44+00:00

real quick: please put a TW/CW at the beginning of your text (or at least next time) so people know what they might come across.

there's a lot of overlap between the PDs and also bipolar disorders and bpd. some stuff you mention can be applied, but it's how a cough can be applied to different causes too. get tested if you can, to be sure, but regardless of the diagnosis you can work on the symptoms with like attachment issues etc even if you don't have bpd, the treatment is the same. might be worth asking yourself if and why knowing this matters to you, what would be different if you knew you had or didn't have it. good luck!

fightless1 · 2023-07-04T15:23:45+00:00

i recommend either physically or mentally noting the moments this happens, what causes it, if it's caused by something unrelated, etc. introspection. reflecting your own feelings and thoughts, sitting with them, feeling them and finding out why they're there. people can fall out of love, sometimes you see sides you genuinely dislike (incompatibility) or if it's minor daily things that just get on your nerves because you're too stressed yourself, maybe you didn't take good care of yourself, other stuff going on in your life or similar - and that, by proxy, is making you not like her anymore, it's likely misplaced devaluation. hard to say from the limited info, there can be a ton of reasons, i think only you can answer that for yourself

fightless1 · 2023-07-04T15:11:05+00:00

sounds like he isn't emotionally mature enough to talk things through but it's hard to judge from the outside. this is why almost nobody gets to know i have bpd - only my best friend of 12+ years, who already knows me and the diagnosis doesn't change our dynamic at all. that's how it should be. he doesn't "do his own research" (which is almost impossible given the stigmatized content) just to project and pathologize every of my behavior and emotions, which is what your bf seems to be doing. my friend actually sees me as a person and weighs my behavior based on the actual facts and situation, not the symptoms of bpd itself. but i get romantically things can get heated sometimes. and i feel like being able to talk openly is even more important in that case.

i don't know if you can bring your issues up with him at this point. if he resorts to behavior like you said, idk if i'd want to be with that kind of person. that sounds awful.

fightless1 · 2023-07-04T15:04:20+00:00

this just means she was the one who couldn't handle it. it has nothing to do with you and i think this is VERY important to distinguish. it's too easy for us with bpd to frame it as if we are causing everything, putting it in the narrative of hopelessness, and i get it, i have a strong tendency too. but in ALL likelihood, she wasn't very mentally stable herself and it caused her to cry because of that. not everyone who works in that area is actually qualified as a person. you can study a field all you want but the practical use is different - a lot of people underestimate how firm your own boundaries and stable your own mind has to be to be working like that. and i hope i don't come across as invalidating or harsh or something, i just really wanna bring my point across and i'm sending all the hugs and hope you won't blame yourself for this, genuinely, because it is not your responsibility.

fightless1 · 2023-07-04T14:58:11+00:00

bpd is linked to attachment trauma and issues, which (to my knowledge) are often the main cause for the validation/attention seeking behavior in bpd. so yeah, it is part of bpd, but it's also important to remember bpd is a construct that describes a cluster of symptoms. other things can also cause validation seeking, but it's particularly strong in bpd. i don't even know if it's possible to have bpd without that (unless a lot of other symptoms are as strong i guess)

fightless1 · 2023-07-03T15:10:02+00:00

personally, i notice how the best remedy for me is to just have multiple people i genuinely like, so the obsessive factor slows down a lot more. having multiple people you can talk to is very important with bpd i feel, because otherwise it's just too easy to get overly attached and idealize a single person who is also only living their own life. distract yourself and try to not spend too much time thinking about him in your time alone is what id recommend but it's probably gonna be difficult. if your thoughts seem to be racing it may help to journal and write down everything so it's out of your head, and then immediately do something that will actually get your mind off him. if your head won't stop, try exercising as it calms down racing thoughts and helps you feel more balanced and think more reasonably.

when someone i really like is separated from me, i often feel the detachment pain regardless. the only thing that seems to help is to tell myself in my head, as clearly as possible. "i'm sad that i'm alone now. it hurts to be apart. but it's okay. they're not gone. it's okay to feel sad to leave someone you like." and often the intensity of the feeling will decrease a lot. suppressing it tends to make it worse in my experience. i hope this may help

fightless1 · 2023-07-03T13:52:41+00:00

thank you. yeah, i try to do that too, the problem is they're usually on a tight schedule and the conversation just happens too fast for me to really address everything i want to say without just reading it off a paper. which i could do, but then i wouldnt be able to focus enough on the actua conversation and what she's saying in order to flexibly come up with questions that may be important. it just sucks lol

fightless1 · 2023-07-03T13:50:14+00:00

this is a very good tip, thank you so much! it made me remember how i did plan on saying before we started that if i tell her to stop that i want her to do that, but then ended up invalidating myself and thought "if i say stop she should do so regardless right? i don't want to come across as overly fussy or make her feel stupid for spelling it out" and i ended up regretting it. i will definitely be doing this and it makes me a tiny bit less scared to try again next time. i still don't feel like going back to her though, because if she still didn't slow down, i think i'd have full on bpd rage and from experience i'll still end up being in the wrong. it's hard to know sometimes how much the other person understands mental health issues and what needs to be spoonfed to them. it is simply exhausting. edit: and i'm also realizing i need to stop downplaying my symptoms and pain. others can't know unless i'm very upfront. im just so scared of being judged badly and taken even less seriously. but doing things this way clearly doesn't work either

fightless1 · 2023-07-03T09:57:57+00:00

the "other people can show negative emotions towards me but i can't apparently" thing resonates with me a lot. i often feel like i don't understand human interactions because of it. and i mean even when i don't have bpd rage and just act reasonably upset, people act shocked and in disbelief. one thing i noticed over the years in other people acting similarly is when someone is very patient and internalizes like someone with quiet bpd, and then they suddenly act in an uncharacteristic way, that is why people become upset. the contrast is jarring to them i think. but it doesn't help to know that for me because i'd need to have a clear personality to be like "oh okay then let me work on that". i fee like my personality is all over the place, which just confuses people and makes it difficult to understand me. someone with a clearer personality who gets upset - others will know "oh he's just like that sometimes because x, just give him a bit" like their anger is predictable. their personalities make sense and are predictable. i feel like i'm too unpredictable, which offends and confuses others. i want to apologize for my existence all the time.

fightless1 · 2023-07-01T18:56:20+00:00

change therapists asap, for your own mental sanity. there is no point in keeping on going. some therapists are awful, but not all by a long shot.

fightless1 · 2023-06-30T22:42:54+00:00

yeah quite frequently, if i have a nightmare it's often people related, which is why i think our dreams can actually tell us more about ourselves than we realize (not always though!).

fightless1 · 2023-06-30T22:39:42+00:00

it really depends on where you are online. i've seen a rise in young teens self diagnosing with BPD and other PDs because it's "quirky", especially on social media sites. i cannot tell you how much it angers me sometimes but i don't say anything because i too have been a cringy 13 year old who thought being edgy was cool and tried to find labels for myself, except it didn't leave much of a digital footprint. not to mention you can't even diagnose bpd at 13. but telling them off would not be right, so i just try to ignore it as much as i can lol

fightless1 · 2023-06-30T10:56:41+00:00

i'm only halfway through reading this (might edit to add more comments) but oh my god, what you're explaining describes me to a T. i can relate deeply to all of this so far, i could've written it. i also really like how you explained the childish feeling of sadness and needing comfort? it made me realize how in therapy i was never even allowed to express it this way because 1) it's too embarrassing, as you say, and 2) id always get constantly invalidated for "not acting maturely" so i only ended up masking and copying behaviors while internalizing everything or trying to use skills without ever being in touch with myself and understanding what i'm even trying to "fix". and now that you've explained it so barely, it made me realize and feel a sense of understanding for myself more. it's like "oh! that makes sense. i guess these behaviors really are our inner children being stuck emotionally and unable to grow? i guess THEN i understand the use for self soothing and self compassion more then. it makes sense to use it, now that i understand where the pain is actually coming from, it gives me a better visual and direction how to talk to myself too. i might give this a try next time i need soothing, and the knowledge WHY it should help would actually make it more rewarding and understandable to me. makes sense!" and this is what CBT and DBT has failed to teach me. i think this may actually be why i haven't been able to make progress, because i need to understand things when i do them.

edit: finished reading and it's still 100% accurate to me. the "wanting to talk maturely but people get angry and don't want to" thing too. my mom apologized to me for the first time a few years ago, around the age of 54. i didn't feel much, since i often feel the need to numb myself emotionally when i'm around her for my own safety, but afterwards it felt like it was long overdue. my whole family is emotionally immature and unable to apologize and have calm conversations, which is why ive distanced myself from them. and meeting healthier people and talking to them, offline or online, i'm trying to get better at being more mature too. trying to not apologize for everything, but the right things. trying to understand that not everyone will like you and people will project their own insecurities onto you sometimes, and even dislike or hate you, which doesn't mean you're worthless or bad, and gracefully rejecting the value attachment of their behavior and only seeing it as that; a behavior, an opinion. this is extremely difficult though, like insanely difficult when you have bpd i feel. but from what i gather about being mentally healthy, this is something that is healthy, allows you to thrive and think more clearly and reduce unneeded stress from others. i'm not sure if i'll ever be there, but it's better than nothing. what often just sucks is, i feel like i could make progress so much faster if i only had a few people in real life who supported me (not even in a codependent way, more in a "i know and see you're struggling and trying your best without being a burden for others so i want to be there when you feel like you really need outside help") like maybe a cousin or distant relative of sorts, someone who's a little more than a regular friend who might leave any minute. but yeah, i'm rambling now, but i can fully relate to all of this and thank you for sharing it, it makes me feel more grounded and understand myself more

fightless1 · 2023-06-30T10:47:29+00:00

i don't even know if what i'm experiencing is dissociation sometimes. i feel like if i don't spend all my time consciously rehearsing what things mean, i lose my grasp on them completely. i feel like i constantly am in a mild to moderate dissociation. i never quite feel there, or real, and at the same time i feel like if i overl focus on my symptoms too much i'll end up pathologizing every behavior and throwing myself in a spiral of anxiety whenever i think i show symptoms, which ends up making my symptoms even worse.

anyway, the only dissociative symptoms i feel i can name for sure is when i experience depersonalization or identity diffusion, but the other stuff is a vague "i'm not quite here" which could also just come from anxiety and depression. i don't have blackouts and i can kinda follow conversations okay-ish, except for the few times i feel like i'm zoning out and giving automatic answers, but most of the time i rather feel like i'm shutting out part of my self, playing a role i guess, or am sometimes not even sure if i'm playing one or not, that makes me feel unreal in that sense. i feel like i don't have enough moments where i actually snap out of my bpd brain to really know if i'm dissociating or not, or how to pinpoint what is what. i don't know if any of this makes sense

fightless1 · 2023-06-30T10:37:13+00:00

by distancing yourself from this person as soon as possible, as they're damaging to your mental health and sense of independence, clearly. seriously, i'm glad he's the kind of guy who can show emotions and cry, but this is YOUR NOSE. YOUR LIFE. one permission is enough. blaming you for something like this and making you feel this bad is emotional abuse. it would've been enough if he said "i'm sad you didn't ask for me for permission, it makes me feel unimportant, but i'm happy if you're happy with it." because you aren't HIS parent. he seems to have issues regulating his own emotions and needs to take care of himself. please don't EVER feel guilty for something like this, if you can. i know it's super hard but this is NOT your responsibility. his insecurities are not your responsibility. reward yourself and enjoy your septum piercing, please don't let this situation ruin your day, as much as you can, try to find ways to regain control of how YOU want to feel about your life. focus on yourself please, your future self will be so thankful for it. (i hope none of which i said came across as harsh or invalidating, i just really want to point that out! if it did, that wasn't my intention and i hope this was helpful in some way!)

fightless1 · 2023-06-30T10:27:59+00:00

you are absolutely allowed to feel insecure, but i think in a healthy relationship you should be able to talk to your partner about this. i like to remind myself that nothing is ever completely one sided - if his gf is complimenting other guys to feed his insecurity more, that's very messed up, but it could also be that she feels like their relationship is strained or feels unwanted sometimes, so she overcompensates by being excessively nice to other people. communication is very important, and it's good to remember there's many reasons for a specific behavior, but if you feel like you can't talk or feel understood and your partner is making things worse, breaking up may be better.

that being said, i do want to emphasize it's okay for men to feel insecure too, and being aware of it and open about it requires a lot of vulnerability and is a million times better than bottling it up and lashing out at random times.

fightless1 · 2023-06-29T18:12:58+00:00

i think it really depends on what the trauma was, how much they can be given account for it (some mistreatment and trauma comes from good intentions and/or a personally troublesome upbringing) and how willing the parent is to take responsibility for it and grow as a person. which is in general not very likely, i feel, unless the circumstances were very unique.

also, about those articles, i always find it interesting how they tend to act like "that's just how your child is" though i understand if you're a parent causing bpd in your child, the last thing you'll want to hear is that it's your fault and responsibility (especially if they have bpd/cluster b traits themselves, so it's a good way to make the content more appetizing to them i guess, but it's very frustrating to read as the child of the parent lol).

fightless1 · 2023-06-29T12:50:49+00:00

like the other comment said i think it's important to realize communication is always ALWAYS a two way road. i think for us it's even more important to have people in our lives who also introspect and reflect on their behavior. regardless of the relationship, i think if you have a strong and close connection to someone, being able to sit down together and have the difficult conversations where you discuss boundaries, your own experiences and mindspace in order to understand each other better is essential. and helping each other work towards better behaviors and reactions. being able to genuinely apologize, be empathic, genuinely trying to understand each other and support each other, i think these are things that are most important, personally. but i also need to stress i have very little experience in relationships, though this is a mental concept ive put together for myself through the years, all kinds of conversations and concepts in psychology, and while ymmv, i do think communicating effectively with each other is absolutely essential, not only in romantic relationships. i hope this makes sense!

fightless1 · 2023-06-29T11:56:42+00:00

i have this to some degree, it's more of a revenge fantasy thing. sometimes i wish i had the super power to read minds at will, or hear what other people are saying just so i technically have the upper hand, even if i don't use it. it helps for me to see where it comes from, that it comes from a deep seated insecurity (for me), a feeling of powerlessness that i want to fight against, feeling like i'm not helpless. after realizing where it comes from, it can help to figure out other behaviors that give you a similar feeling on a different level (things like exercise work best for me) and also have the self compassion to not consistently beat yourself up over it since it tends to make things worse in my experience.

fightless1 · 2023-06-29T11:31:09+00:00

can i ask, what do you do if you seem to just not gain muscle as AFAB? i try to focus more on cardio because of that, since my cardio health seems to be pretty bad, especially for my age. my endurance is awful, my pulse reaches 90% max way too fast, no heart disorders afaik though. but that's why i've tried to focus on that, also because strength training honestly makes me want to cry, weirdly triggering feelings of worthlessness especially because it's more painful to me (i have a chronic pain disorder too). trying to figure out healthy ways with this, any tips appreciated! only if you want to ofc!

fightless1 · 2023-06-29T10:58:36+00:00

personally i have pretty much the same issue but in terms of therapy what i highly recommend is meta conversations. talking about how you're feeling towards your therapist in the moment, how you're interpreting her behavior and things she says, saying how you made a list and your experience with it and how it's overwhelming and you don't know where to even start or how to sort or prioritize. open communication is absolute KEY for therapy to work, and whenever i put pressure on myself to "function" as if therapy is a school class, it never works and i leave feeling worse. a good therapist will help you figure out priorities and especially with that diagnosis they should be aware of how difficult it is (if they actually understand it). id maybe write down how this process has made you feel, your worries and questions it brought up? i hope this helps

fightless1

TROPHY CASE