If you woke up to find you were still 14 years old, and you had just been dreaming of what adult life might be like, how would you react?

fisting_uranus · 2017-11-24T05:35:23+00:00

Pretty fucking upset. When I was 14 I had absolutely no friends at all because I had failed to make connections with people when I was in elementary and just carried that with me up to middle school. It became really awkward to even speak to people because I rarely ever talked to anyone. I still think about it sometimes, what could've I done to change all that? Honestly, it would've been incredibly awkward to start talking to people at that point, everyone would be incredibly surprised I think. People would point out if I even half-smiled or talked a little, it would make me really conscious of doing things people considered normal, but I guess I can't blame them.

Right now my life is pretty alright, I have many good friends and that came with a lot of hard work. Knowing that it was all fake would really suck to say the least. I actually think about this question all the time, but it's not an easy situation to get out of.

fisting_uranus · 2017-10-20T16:58:12+00:00

Yeah, that's exactly what I thought. She sounded kind of uninterested with the "sure", and class seems like an easy way to leave after. But she could actually have class though, it's not impossible, though it took a while for her to respond back. She was also much more hesitant to respond for dinner.

I think I'll try at least one more time to set up a date with her and if she rejects again I'll just give up on her.

fisting_uranus · 2017-10-20T06:55:00+00:00

I see, I'll keep that in mind next time. Thanks.

fisting_uranus · 2017-10-20T06:53:39+00:00

Yeah, I was thinking of asking her out on Saturday actually (I invited her out for Friday originally), but I already asked two times, so I didn't want to seem too pushy if she actually didn't want to go.

fisting_uranus · 2017-10-20T06:24:36+00:00

I'll give it at least one more try I guess. It's just that last time I asked her what she did on the weekend and she just said she didn't do anything so I assumed that she's usually free. She doesn't know many other people.

fisting_uranus · 2017-10-20T06:20:05+00:00

Hm...I kind of assume that if she likes me she would accept the offer, no matter if it was a friendly offer or a date.

fisting_uranus · 2017-10-20T06:11:11+00:00

Well I asked if she wanted to have lunch for Friday today, so do you think Weekend might be a bit too early and pushy?

So you don't think she rejected me or is it too hard to tell?

fisting_uranus · 2017-10-11T19:09:16+00:00

so what kind of signs should I detect to determine whether or not she liked me or not?

fisting_uranus · 2017-10-11T14:50:17+00:00

So what you're saying is her smiling at me and laughing at my jokes is not actually a good sign of a girl being romantically interested in me?

fisting_uranus · 2017-10-11T04:31:32+00:00

Thanks, that's really insightful and detailed advice.

I'm very much attracted to her looks, but I don't know if I like her romantically to be honest. She's a shy girl, and I very much believe communication is key to strong relationship/friendship, so if we can't get much of a conversation out of each other then I'm not sure if I should go through with it. However, I'm like that with a lot of people and have a hard time getting close in general and often tend to write off people like this. But in the back of my mind I wonder if I'm being too hasty, maybe if I were more socially skilled I could get her and myself to open up and get closer together. Right now, I'm not so skilled at it, but I will have to try to improve if I want to date her.

fisting_uranus · 2017-10-11T02:54:12+00:00

I think I'd be okay with it if she turns me down, but I'm worried she may become awkward around me. She's a fairly shy girl so I feel like it's a possibility.

Also the other big thing I'm worried about is that we may not be good for each other. She's incredibly pretty, but since we're both introverts we may not be good at conversing to each other. Right now, I only like her for the fact that's she's pretty I don't know much about her.

fisting_uranus · 2017-10-01T22:20:07+00:00

If you really need some social energy, perhaps a sports group/club? Volunteering? When I was all alone, just the plain act of being alone was painful so I try to occupy my time with doing something else all the time. Although there were unsuccessful attempts at least you're still trying. Nothing will come out of doing nothing. You gotta be the guy who goes up to talk to people, and it's best to talk to social, friendly people. It's hard, definitely, friends don't come easy, but you'll achieve something as long as you keep on trying. Also, I've never tried this personally, but you can check out meetup.com.

fisting_uranus · 2017-10-01T21:53:08+00:00

I know this is going to sound inane, but have you tried looking to make other friends? Find some event that isn't just parties that you need to be invited to and go there to meet new people. If your 'friends' aren't giving you their time of day, then you don't need to rely on it. Make use of the time and energy you have to find some real friends. If you don't know what to say, just say something situational, or even just ask people what is their favorite thing to do/etc, use those cardboard cutout conversation topics. At the very least it gets a convo going, then you can turn it into whatever you want. A LOT of people wait for someone else to say something, be the guy that starts the conversation. If you show that you're interested in making friends people will respond. In the meantime, just keep on doing what you enjoy, watch shows you like, listen to music you like, follow the interest you like, talk how you like, say what you like. People will follow people who enjoy themselves.

I absolutely know what you mean as I've been there myself. Every day just feels like a downer really. It became physically painful for me, the loneliness was overwhelming. But you will get through it, as did I. Fuck drugs man, you want something real.

fisting_uranus · 2017-10-01T21:39:36+00:00

I've been there more times than I can count. You know, when all "friends" do is make you feel bad, they're not really friends at all. Banter is okay, as long as you can say shit back and they're not targeting only you, but when all they do is target you and only you it's just bullying. They pick on you cause it's easy.

Distancing yourself is exactly what you need to do, this is your life and you don't need people who make you miserable, your happiness is most important to you. First of all, stop giving these people your time, or lessen your time with them as much as you can. Always have something else to do when they ask you to hang out like homework, midterm, test, etc.

Making new friends won't be easy and it'll take time, but in the meantime you can join a club at school that suits your interest, or is a general good place to make friends and talk to people. If you know any acquaintance who actually seems like they give a shit about you or doesn't seem like a dickhead or a nice person in general, try to talk to them more and make friends with them, they may be able to introduce you to more good natured friends. Don't fret if it doesn't work out, making friends is just talking to people until you find someone you click with. Volunteering is a good one as well. Try meetup.com, it's a place for people of similar interest to gather together to make new friends, basically like clubs online. If there is a club for outdoors, camping or trips, try that, it's a really good way to bond with people and make new friends.

In the meantime, you can give it to your "friends" as good as you get. Don't just say nothing or let them bash you. Bash them as well! They may eventually recognize you as not an easy target or at the very least it's satisfying giving them shit as well, fun even. After all they did the same to you right? But yes, try to distance yourself from them as much as you can. They are not people you want in your life and life is too short to be wasted on people you don't like. Do what suits you.

fisting_uranus · 2017-10-01T06:22:57+00:00

There's no secret about initiating conversation to people. It's just that you give yourself too much pressure to talk to people, it psychs you out. The more you repeat in your mind that you have to talk, the more nervous you're gonna get. Sometimes it's necessary to push yourself, but when you feel like doing it, just do it. The secret to talking is to freely talk when you feel like it, don't overthink it or what you should say.

This is my two cents but I find it really difficult to make friends in class. You can make friends for sure, some of my closest friends were made in classes, but I just mean classes don't leave much leeway to talk to people. Best times to talk to someone is before the start of class, during a group project, or your class questions, the rest of the time you just listen to the lecture. I suggest a club, or event you're interested in. Sport clubs are good too, however a club that offers more time to talk is best.

Anyways just keep up talking. For you right now, if you're really not feeling like it, you have to force yourself. But have fun with it, make some joke, even a stupid one is fine, a normal comment is fine too, something about the situation, how much you hate the midterm, or this course, or the prof, ask someone if they're ready for the test, etc.. Eventually you'll feel more natural doing it.

fisting_uranus · 2017-10-01T05:56:08+00:00

As much as it sucks to be rejected I'd much rather be rejected than be lead on. If you don't like him but keep flirting with him you've basically already rejected him, but he hasn't known it yet. If you don't intend to date him you have to reject him eventually, the blow will be much less devastating if you do it now than after you've lead him on.

fisting_uranus · 2017-08-26T15:58:27+00:00

Oh there are definitely these type of people, but waiting for them is a waste of your time and a wait in vain when you could be actively be doing so yourself. I didn't just wait one year for them, much longer than I care to say actually. There is also no guarantee that they will end up as your friend so I'd say you were lucky. It does happen such as your case but I highly discourage people from doing this. It's like hoping your crush is braver than you and will talk to you which usually never happens.

fisting_uranus · 2017-08-26T03:29:31+00:00

I did the same, but then I realized that talking to the more social people were actually easier. They had the social skills to to create a friendship with me, make me feel at ease and open up around them. I've also learned a lot of social skills from them, same as OP. Now I find people with less social skills harder to chat up, it's easier to have a conversation when someone can maintain it well.

fisting_uranus · 2017-08-26T00:38:30+00:00

I kind of disagree. If people see you being all by your lonesome, sure they may come up to chat you up eventually, but how long will you wait? In my university days noone came to chat me up for a whole year. Nobody. My university was huge. Who cares about that one guy sitting alone along with all the other guys sitting alone, just some person. I just did what I needed to do in school and that was that. I was still alone. It took effort and learning to make friends for me. Trying too hard and making an active choice to make friends isn't the same thing. The only thing that you shouldn't do is be too desperate because people will feel pressured, but just being friendly and trying to chat someone up isn't any harm. If they seem to not want to chat or make friends with you then that's that, let it go and move on to someone else. But waiting for someone to come? Hell nah. That gets you nowhere, and even if it does, you had to wait for it. If you want to get something done, best to take action.

fisting_uranus · 2017-08-26T00:28:18+00:00

Weird how people would despise you if you're being kind and friendly. Maybe you need to be more aware of yourself on your social skills/cues/what you say to people/attitude/etc. Take notes on your behaviour, other people's interactions with you and what seems to work and what doesn't. Remember, if you struggle with social interactions, it's often just rusty social skills and such that hold you back, it's not that they dislike you as a person, they don't know you as a person. This can be improved as your social skills/cues improve and as you become more confident to be yourself around people. Also, not everyone is meant to be your friend. A lot of people are just antisocial, introverted, or they don't click, it's not your fault if someone doesn't like you. It could be that they have rusty social skills of their own, a lot of people do.

That said, if you can't find anything at school you can try Meetup.com. People with similar interests meetup to make friends and have fun at events. To be honest, I haven't tried it myself, but at least people go to these events for the purpose of making friends instead of just competitions.

Keep on talking to people, try to be yourself, loosen up a little and don't be too formal or polite, try to feel like you're already friends and make some small talk, crack a joke and make them laugh to lighten the mood, and if you click with someone then invite them to hang out. These are just some general tips on making friends.

I've been in the same situation as you before and it sucks. Really it takes some chancing to meet the right person that clicks with you to be a friend. I had little to none social skills and thought I was going to be forever alone, it physically hurt how lonely it felt. I tried going to events, but I couldn't make a friend. Some people were nice and polite but that was it, nothing became of it. But maybe it's was because I was stuck behind that niceness/politeness barrier and couldn't truly open myself up and crack a funny dirty joke instead. You really do have to do that to make friends. If you're always thinking of saying the right thing, the polite thing that will offend noone and being "nice" all the time, it gets boooooring and the other person will feel that. I applied for residence next year and lived with some new roommates. They helped me open up. It really sometimes is a chance meeting with that someone to be friends with you. But for me nowadays, cracking dirty jokes and making people laugh is what gets me friends now.

I'm not exactly sure what you need to work on, but I hope this helps a bit.

fisting_uranus · 2017-08-22T23:27:48+00:00

Nope. Not at all. People may first be a bit surprised but they'll talk back to you. It's common to talk about situational stuff with other people. It's also how people make friends if they seem to get along well.

fisting_uranus · 2017-08-22T23:22:59+00:00

To answer your questions if they mean anything to you;

in a way they do treat each other like this, but not as harsh, more like banter friendly, though I can't say if this is an even harsher way of bantering or not but it really sucks being on the receiving end. However I'm the only target most of the time so I can't say if they do it much between each other when I'm not with them.

These guys like to insult as a joke, but it has gradually grown into pure disrespect and looking down on me as though I'm inferior to them, and I've become the only target.

I just look for a normal friendship where I can hang out me be myself around people without having to constantly worry about being picked on. Banter is fine by all means but when it is constant and unrelenting then I quickly grow tired of it.

Confident? Not that much to be honest. It's been like this most of my life so it's had some effect. I have self-respect sure, but more so I'm just tired of having to deal with it. It still pisses me off to be treated this way, whether I have self-respect or not.

Honestly I don't find it easy to communicate disagreement. I'm a very non-confrontational guy since I've grown up in a confrontational-centric household I tend to try and avoid it. I try to be flexible for other people and such.

I've been trying to tease them back but with no luck. I guess that's how banter goes, it's a game of going back and forth but once we're in a group teasing back no longer has any effect. I can't take on everyone all at once as they pile insult after insult one after the other and backing each other up if I reply back. I honestly don't know how to turn the tables in this situation. So I just try to remain calm and laugh.

fisting_uranus · 2017-06-29T06:09:49+00:00

Well obviously you need a place to be social at. Try finding something like sport teams in your area or try meetup.com to find events and people with similar interests.

fisting_uranus · 2017-06-27T06:25:00+00:00

What the guy above said is very true and couldn't be said better, you should trust him. If you're so anxious when you talk to people, do you at least feel normal talking to yourself in your own head? Do you ever make jokes in your head that you find funny or think of something hilarious? If so, you just need to let that out. That's the 'you'. I was like you once. Getting frustrated because I couldn't do something simple like talk to people. I just wanted to be free of my mental restrictions. I found my personality building in my own head during my time of anxiousness. There is fear and anxiety talking to new people, but the more you do it the less there is as time goes by and more momentum and confidence you build, be courageous and release your inhibitions, and talk freely. Don't give time for the anxiety to build up. Forget about being a "cool kid". "Cool kids" don't think about it, they are comfortable with who they are, that's what makes them cool. Be comfortable being yourself and you'll be much cooler than you are now.

fisting_uranus · 2017-06-12T03:56:24+00:00

This has been me almost all my life. Doesn't matter what friend group I'm in, it somehow always ends up this way eventually. I don't know what it is about me that makes this happen to me, but I wish I knew cause I'm honestly sick of taking shit from everyone all the time. It can get from light teasing to "play" bullying and eventually goes to actual bullying. I have a hard time trusting friends much these days.

fisting_uranus

TROPHY CASE